Last Wednesday night, the NFL released the 2014 schedule, and it certainly was full of excitement! What better gift could the NFL give it’s fans in April? I mean, aside from a draft that they moved to weeks later for no justifiable reason, but still. Schedule! Cool! This is so exciting!
Now, instead of guessing which part of the schedule is the hardest for Mike Zimmer’s new team, or wondering if we can make a late season run with what we are determining are paper-welter weights this season, or trying to plan out my fall calendar nine months in advance (“Sorry Honey, my noon-plans are already all spoken for from September 7 until December 28!”), we can look at specific dates and make specific guesses, that will sure to be right!
So, like every other sporting blog out there over the last week, we felt it was our job – NAY, OUR DUTY! – to respectfully, diligently, breathlessly, give you the best analysis, insight, foresight, prognostication, mathematical breakdowns, injury predictions, yardage estimations, starter projections, wild card break downs, individual match ups during individual weeks, so we can accurately predict – IN APRIL – when and if and how the Vikings will be making the playoffs in 2014. We spent ALL WEEKEND going over the numbers, the details, the facts, and are finally … FINALLY! … ready to present to you the hardest data set anyone has every produced on the 2014 NFL schedule … Even with a few surprises!
READY …. ?!
There’s nothing worse than a bunch of assholes running around in April telling people, “Oh, the Vikings have an easy schedule heading into the bye week this year, so they should be able to stabilize themselves after a tough opening set and prepare for a late season playoff push and now, let’s turn to my butthole to fart out some more worthless nonsense that no one will remember in a week from now, let alone nine months from now when the games are actually played. Butthole?”
The fact that ESPN dedicated an entire night to “unveiling” the schedule – which was released on Twitter a half hour earlier anyway – is everything why we must destroy this planet. You pretty sure the Packers are going to be good again this year? You sure Rodgers isn’t just going to retire and deliver Pizza Hutt to close out his days? The Bucs are an easy W now just because they got a new coaching staff, but the VIKINGS and their new coaching staff are TOTALLY going to turn it around?
Shut up people. Just shut up. You’re morons. Stop talking about stupid schedules that we pretty much already knew all about as soon as the season ended. Stop pretending this is the draft we were supposed to have in April. Stop pretending like Noon games all year long doesn’t suck, OK? Let’s just get back to looking at young prospects running around without their shirts on. That’s totally more legit.