death bears

Want to Stop Chicago Killings? Put a Bears Game On.

I’ll be honest here. I’m not quite sure how to interpret this recent Yahoo! Sports headline:

“Chicago crime goes down during Bears games”

OK. So, at face value, when the Chicago Bears play football games, there is less crime in the city of Chicago. That’s fairly significant, since – referencing a 2013 study – Chicago had the 4th highest “Violent Crime Rate” in the country. “Well what does that even mean?” It means you have a 1 in 9 chance of becoming a victim of a violent crime in Chicago. Murder! Rape! Catfishing! It’s awful!

So what can we do to stop it? Maybe do some community education? Crack down with law enforcement? Call in a super hero? Apparently not. You just put the Bears game on!

stupid bears fan

And honestly, I don’t know what that means. Does it mean that Chicago is such a hell hole of a city that you should never visit? I mean, a 1 in 9 chance of getting shanked or whatever seems PRETTTTY high. I don’t even think I have that high of a chance of cutting my own finger making dinner than I would never coming home from Chicago. And what the hell? The only thing that’s going to stop these people from murdering each other is to watch millionaires murder each other on a football field? What kind of lunatics are you?! Just stop killing one another! It’s not that hard. Chicago is so twisted, so ugly, so full of awful, awful people, that the only reason they will stop killing you is for 16 days out of the year, for a three hour window, where you are safe to watch the streets. That’s messed up, man. Totally messed up.

On the other hand …

Does Chicago potentially have the greatest fans in all of the NFL?! I mean, the only thing that stops these guys from fist-punching each other’s faces off is their own football team! That’s amazing! It’s like the Chicago Bears could break down the walls of racism AND murder capital of the world. Think Jackie Robinson ever could do that? Doubt it. The Chicago Bears AND their fans might just be that amazing.

But probably not. Chicago is still awful, their fans are murder-sex deviants, and the Bears can still eat testicles. So there’s that.

However, for the record, there are THREE separate neighborhoods in Detroit which have higher crime rates than all of Chicago, sooo …. Get better Lions, or it sounds like you’re all going to die.


About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.