Thursday is upon us, and Vikings training camp is near. Today, players start driving down to Mankato, Minnesota, for another training camp to start a season. It’s the best time of the year; everyone is 0-0 in their record, no one has been proven a bust of a player, and the coaches are the smartest people alive right now because they haven’t yet had to manage player personalities, game clocks, or adjusting to opposing teams game plans. We’re all winners right now!
And while I may be pretty excited for us to shoot baseball in the face and finally get back to America’s real sport, I know someone who is even MORE excited for football to return … And that’s Minnesota Vikings mascot VIKTOR the VIKING. He’s been busy all week packing his bags for the trip, and is looking forward to getting to Mankato just as much as the players. In fact, he might be looking forward to it MORE than the players, if you consider what type of items he’s packed in his bags.
We sat down with VIKTOR the VIKING late Wednesday night to review his final bag arrangement, and were … surprised … by some of the items we found in his bag. Check out this exclusive list:
- Cracked leather cowboy saddle and a battle axe
- Jumper cables with a car battery and nipple rings
- Low hanging ceiling fans and a flying trapeze
- Crotchless panties and garter belts
- Doggy bones and 37 jars of pickle juice
- STD test results and Saran Wrap
- A post of Helen Keller and glycerine-based pleasure lubricant
- Steel forged handcuffs and a deed to a house
- A DSR camera and a zoom lens
- A old broken record player and sensual vinyl records
- Old WWF WrestleMania VHS recordings and a memory foam mattress
- Refurbished metal detector and a C-String
- Old moldy cigarettes and a January 2012 copy of Glamour magazine
- AstroMaster telescope and a HAM Radio
- A Hot Cops uniform and an air horn
- Single pair of blood red high heel shoes and a Walther PPK
- Metal coat hooks and bondage gear
- Four notebooks filled with fetish dreams and red fox fur bath robes
- Undeveloped negative photos of Dawn Mitchell and a BluRay copy of American Beauty
Chances are he probably hid some coke in the bag too, or maybe he didn’t even pack it and keeps it on his body at all times. In fact, that’s probably why his head is so big. VIKTOR the VIKING is hiding coke it there. Definitely.
Either way, sounds like training camp is going to be AWESOME. Let’s do this.