fans steal metrodome seats

Vikings Least Douchbaggy, Kind of Sucky in Scientific Graph

Drew Magary has been running through every NFL team prior to the start of the season this week telling everyone how much and why their stupid team sucks over on Deadspin. But it wasn’t until he highlighted the R*dskins this week that we got a bit more insight into where the Vikings fall on the overall team graph of Douchbaggery and Suckatude.

You think this isn’t important to analyze during the first game week of the year? Well, I respectfully disagree. Here we are:

douchey nfl teams graph

As you can see, reader Tom shared with Deadspin a graph he had of all teams plotted on a graph, where a level of “suckatude” was on the x-axis and “douchbaggery” on the y-axis. As teams were plotted, we find some pretty obvious results. Naturally, the Patriots and Steelers are both high in douchbaggery and suckatude. The Packers also reside in that quadrant of “successful teams with douchebag fans.” That much is obvious.

On the other side, you have teams that are low on doucheyness but high on not sucking. Ideally you’d want to be here, but I would argue NO team deserves to be here. Once you start winning, you kind of suck anyway. Here you find the Colts, Texans, and the Falcons, who I guess have all seen some kind of success and aren’t full of awful fans. Mostly. But the Seahawks also pop up here, as do the Chargers, both of whom I would argue have plenty of douchey fans.

In the worst quadrant you find teams that are full of douchers AND they suck. A true circle of Hell. Naturally, the Cowboys, R*dskins, and Raiders are all found here.

And what about the Vikings? We are ranked as the least douchebaggy fans around, but with an ample amount of sucking. I don’t know if that’s a good thing, and I don’t know if I really agree with it. We do suck, don’t get me wrong, but we suck less than the Texans, don’t we? And no way the Lions should be just not quite as sucky as us. And having the least douchebaggy fans? It’s a cute story, but I don’t buy it. Like any team, we have a fairly large collection of idiot fans that are racist, unintelligent, jort wearing losers that I am embarrassed to find they also cheer for a team I like. But … Maybe there is just less of them.

In the end, I guess if you can’t count Super Bowl rings, it’s maybe just easier to count the number of people who don’t suck that cheer for your squad. Moral victories.


About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.