On Wednesday, the NFL released details about the 2014 football schedule. Of course, the details they released weren’t really that specific, and they were only about the preseason. BUT! That limited information about football is still better than NO information about football, so we’ll take it. We’ll also break down the details for you.
GAME ONE – Oakland Raiders @ Minnesota Vikings
When: Some random time between August 7 – August 9
Of Note: It’s the Vikings first game at their new (temporary) home, TCF Bank Stadium! Surely, the Vikings will come out and make a STATEMENT, just destroying the Raiders in Mike Zimmer’s first game in purple on the sidelines, as well. Of course, the first “TCF Bank Vikings Experience” will go off without a hitch, as well, as every single fan in attendance won’t complain about the concessions, seating arrangements, or product on the field. Possibly best day in history of Minnesota??!
GAME TWO – Arizona Cardinals @ Minnesota Vikings
When: Also randomly between August 14 – August 16.
Of Note: Dude, the Vikings are going to CRUSH the Cardinals, no questions asked. And it’ll be done thanks to the rookie QB’s arm we’ll draft, behind his inevitable first start when both Ponder and Cassel will be hurt by now! We’ll also already be 1-0 on the pre-season, and we’ll have clearly established dominance at TCF Bank. People don’t win at the Bank, yo! We’ll have that place “on lock down”! Get it! *SWISH!* Think Larry Fitzgerald Jr. will just meet his team up here? He spends the entire summer in Minnesota anyway.
GAME THREE – Minnesota Vikings @ Kansas City Chiefs
When: Very specifically between August 21 – August 23.
Of Note: Clearly, we told the NFL “We don’t want to travel much this pre-season, bros, Zimmer won’t put up with that garbage. You let us play every team at TCF Bank or give us minimal travel” and Zimmer scares puss-boy Roger Goodell so much that he obviously acquiesced. You know who else is going to acquiesce? Andy Reid and his Chiefs squad, after they see a revamped Vikings team swinging their big Vikings dicks in some Kansas City BBQ sauces. Try it, it’s special!
GAME FOUR – Minnesota Vikings @ Tennessee Titans
When: Estimates say sometime between August 28 – August 29.
Of Note: In what may be the final conversation in the “Christian Ponder vs. Jake Locker” debate, late in the fourth quarter, the Vikings will totally destroy a crappy Titans team, because shut up AFC, you suck. We’ll finish up the pre-season with a 4-0 record, probably, and won’t have even broken a sweat. And Zimmer still won’t be happy because THESE GAMES DON’T MEAN ANYTHING, CHRIST.
But seriously, not a loss on the schedule.