Over the last three years of Minnesota Vikings "football" (I use parentheses, because there is no way I will believe that was actually the football we all know and love), one of the most infuriating things was how inept our offense has been. Sure, much of this falls on the Spaghetti Monster noodle arm of quarterback Christian Ponder, but at least an equal chunk of it fell on the coaching staff who were too stupid to know how to use the talent on your roster in meaningful ways, ways that used their minimal strengths and hid their glaring weaknesses.
The biggest guilty party involved in all of this was of course Offensive Coordinator Bill Musgrave, who tried to go all 12th grade history test on everyone and write his plays out on an index card. Naturally, you can only fit about 10 worthwhile bits of information on one of those things (unless you write illegibly so they can't even be read), and so it hamstrung the offense while Musgrave was here pretty bad. So bad that he didn't know how to use some of our most dynamic players, Adrian Peterson and Percy Harvin included. And then he got Cordarrelle Patterson …
Well, no worries, because Musgrave is gone, Norv Turner's Neck Vagina is present, and he's already installed 10 plays into his offense to run specifically for Cordarrelle. I mean, you can do things like that??! Shocking! What's even more shocking is that we got our hands on just what those 10 plays are:
A deep post play that simply let's Cordarrelle use his speed and size to get between the corner and the safety.
To no one's surprise, Cordarrelle can catch and run. RUN PLAY 1 AGAIN UNTIL IT STOPS WORKING, IDIOTS.
Have Cordarrelle run a short inside slant. Catch about seven yards in, then let him use his amazing open field moves to break tackles and take the ball to the endzone.
Hey look at that, Patterson is a big, strong, receiver who is shifty in space. MAKE HIM DO MORE GOOD STUFF, DUMBY.
Move Cordarrelle into the slot, then at snap fade him to the sidelines for a wide receiver screen. Have Jennings and Rudolph spread wide as well and block, allowing Patterson to break more tackles and bust a long gain.
OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE EASIEST PLAY CALLING EVER, JUST GIVE THE BALL TO CORDARRELLE AND HE DOES AMAZING STUFF, WHAT IDIOT COULDN'T FIGURE THIS OUT??!
Move Patterson into the slot again, except this time have him run behind the quarterback. If it's Christian Ponder, don't even pretend it's going to be a fake, just give the ball to Patterson every time. Have receivers and tight ends guard on the outside, guard pull to guard a defender, and pick up the easiest eight yard gain minimum you could ever hope to have in your life.
LOOK AT HOW UNSTOPPABLE THIS IS WHY WOULD YOU EVEN CALL ANYTHING DIFFERENT? FOOTBALLING IS SO EASY!
Line Cordarrelle up in the backfield to the left of the quarterback in the pistol, Peterson behind in the deep set, and Asiata to the right. Fake sweep right to Peterson, toss left to Patterson, and boom, you have a first down.
GOD DAMMIT IT MUSGRAVE YOU'VE ALREADY WASTED AN ENTIRE YEAR OF THIS YOUNG MAN'S LIFE, I WIPE MY ASS WITH YOUR PLAY CARD, BUT IT'S CLEARLY NOT ENOUGH.
Damn Norv, you are a genius.