chris cook vikings

How Chris Cook (Probably) Spent Championship Sunday

12:00 AM – 3:00 AM: Chris Cook helps shut down the Seville, throwing ones at the strippers thinking he's living the dream, strippers rolling their eyes because an NFL player is throwing ones? They yawn and provide one final dance, reluctantly.

3:00 AM – 3:30 AM: Cook drives home from The Seville, after numerous drinks, not saying he was a drunk driver or anything, but saying he didn't get arrested by the cops, and that he then likely parked his car on his front lawn instead of in the drive way.

3:30 AM – 9:00 AM: Chris Cook drifts off into sleep, dreaming of Sunday's game where he can watch his favorite player shine in the spot light – Richard Sherman.

9:00 AM – 9:05 AM: Chris Cook awakens to a wet dream. Smiles.

Richard Sherman Fathead

9:06 AM – 9:07 AM: Cook looks to his ceiling and sees his Richard Sherman fat head above his bed.

9:05 AM – 10:00 AM: Rise and Grind time. Cook gets out of bed, puts on his Blitz slippers and eats breakfast; an overflowing bowl of Cookie Crisp. Showers, put on Nike gear, goes for morning work out.

10:00 AM – 12:00 PM: Leg day. Squats, jazzercise, pirouettes, interpretive dance. Chris closes his eyes, imagines his favorite NFL player, and jumps as high as he can. Returns to Earth without holding Cook's hand.

12:00 PM – 1:00 PM: Lunch. Tenderized chicken sandwich with a beaten egg on top.

1:00 PM – 2:00 PM: Stop at local sporting goods store, buy as much green and blue products as said store has.

2:00 PM – 5:30 PM: Watching Patriots vs. Broncos football game at home. Continually amazed at how the cornerbacks cover the opposing wide receivers, defend passes, tackle people. Looks for a note pad to take notes, but finds all paper in house covered in Cheeto stains.

5:30 PM – 9:00 PM: Turns 49ers vs. Seahawks game on full blast. Prepares enormous meal of Richard Sherman's favorite dishes: Gravlax, salmon benedicts, fish sandwiches, anything else Cook can think of that would come from Seattle, without actually knowing if Richard Sherman likes the city's food.

9:00 PM – 9:10 PM: Cook excited and yelling loudly as Sherman tips final pass attempt to Michael Crabtree in the endzone, then receives an interview from Erin Andrews:

9:10 PM – 9:45 PM: Cook weeps openly, re-watching interview for 35 straight minutes, crying louder and louder every time he sees it.

9:45 PM – 10:00 PM: Cries further while sitting on the toiler with a bath robe wrapped around his shoulders. Whispers, "It's so beautiful."

10:00 PM – 12:00 AM: In a daze, watches 49ers vs. Seahawks game again on DVR until the sweet embrace of sleep takes him. Finally at Midnight, Chris Cook falls into a deep slumber with visions of Richard Sherman in his head, whispering "I love you, Richard, so much …"

PS: This was satire. I don't think Chris Cook actually did this yesterday, but who knows.


About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.