jared allen tight santa pants 001

Chris Cook, Jared Allen to Test Free Agency, Matt Cassel to Houston?

Mike Zimmer Rick Spielman

Oh my goodness, I feel flushed in my lady parts. In the last 24 hours, there has been just a flurry of NFL roster activity, almost enough to remind you that we're not in the deepest circle of hell where baseball is a conversation topic and it's still snowy outside but there isn't any football on the television. Instead, numerous roster cuts, free agent signing speculation, and other sorts of roster moves have made for an interesting early March. I guess for people who pay attention to this stuff instead of just dream of shirtless quarterbacks, this probably isn't news. Starting March 8th, teams can enter into negotiations with free agents, who can then sign new contracts on March 11th. So, free agency is pretty much upon us.

And if that's the case, what are all the rumors then? Who is being released, who are the Vikings going to sign, and what rumors are just too stupid to care about? We have a wrap up for you here:

Chris Cook

Chris Cook Likely to Test Free Agency

Everybody praise Purple Jesus! The woman beating and receiver beaten cornerback Chris Cook is likely on his way out! Recent tweets from him have indicated that, while he's talked to new head coach Mike Zimmer, Cook seems to think the Vikings will let him test free agency. It may be the case we would still sign him back on a one year, asshole deal like we did when we first got Jerome Simpson, but that seems suspect. The sooner this weirdo is gone, the better.

Jared Allen

Jared Allen Probably Done Roping Sisters in Minnesota

The sooner THIS weirdo is gone is probably NOT for the better, although it WILL alleviate some concerns about legal filing against me from "PR professionals." Notice the quotes? It's because Denise White sucks are her job. All indications are that the Vikings will let veteran defensive end and calf roping, sister finger banging specialist Jared Allen test free agency. It's more likely the team would NOT be able to get him to re-sign with them, as Allen wants to play for a team that has a chance to win. Soooo … Probably not the Vikings? Either way Allen, so long and thanks for all the calf roping.

Matt Cassel Wife

Matt Cassel Likes Warmer Climates

Remember when Matt Cassel opted out of his contract a month or so ago? At the time I kind of figured it was just a formality for him, and that he and his wife were just looking to get more money from the team. They may still be, but rumors indicate that while he has continued to talk with the Vikings, it's more likely he ends up with Houston. Which seems weird. They already have Matt Schaub (or did he get cut yet?) and project in Case Keenum, and probably some other third guy. AND you want Cassel? What's wrong with Rosenfels at this point, Houston?! Anyway, we'll see. That may leave the Vikings with ONLY Christian Ponder and weirdo rookie on the team to start 2014. Hurray!

Letroy Guion

Letroy Guion is Actually Being Discussed

Oh, right, he's been on the team for like four years. I think it's safe to say he never lived up to his fullest potential, but at the very least has been serviceable. With the team's defensive line almost turning over completely, keeping Guion for continuity sake would be worthwhile, but rumor says that the coaches only agree if it would be at the right price. That's probably not incorrect, as you could probably find 10 Guions on the streets of Florida eating cheese burgers for an eighth of the price. The team is apparently trying to restructure his contract, and if he doesn't agree to do so, he's probably gone. So long, French-sounding last name guy.

Michael Vick Vikings

Michael Vick Could MAYBE Join the Vikings

It sounds like Michael Vick is going to be job-less heading into 2014. The Eagles made a VERY clear statement this week, saying Vick will not be involved with the team in ANY capacity (Jeeze, gut the guy some slack, not even as water boy?!), so he'd be available to hit free agency, too. Do I smell a second coming of Randall Cunningham?! Oh God, I hope so. Imagine a halfway healthy, mobile Vick in the backfield with Adrian Peterson and Cordarrelle Patterson, and then go clean up your belly, because you just made an improper mess. I mean, former Eagles quarterbacks have always worked out for us, right?!

Matt Asiata Vikings

Matt Asiata is Your New Toby Gerhart

The White Rhino Toby Gerhart is most definitely not coming back to the team. Which is great news, in and of itself. But then the question is raised, who becomes the number two running back behind Terminator robot Adrian Peterson? Well, at least for the next year, there's a good chance it will be Matt Asiata. The-Guy-Who-Has-a-Last-Name-that-Sounds-Like-an-Ass-Joke was re-signed to a one year contract this week and is penciled in as the number two guy. So … We're drafting a running back, apparently.

Jerome Simpson

Jerome Simpson Ain't Done Selling Weed Here Yet

Thought you'd be rid of him? Oh Hell no, not when there is advocating for medicinal marijuana to be done in the state of Minnesota. If the Vikings can't have an advocate punter, then they'll have a high, advocating wide receiver. Simpson has a former history with new coach Mike Zimmer through their time with the Bengals, so if Zimmer didn't want to strangle him back then, there's a chance he sticks with the team in 2014. That would also mean we probably don't draft a receiver, with Simpson and potentially Greg Childs coming back from the knee factory finally. I call this move "Indifference."

All this and more, as the Vikings continue to find ways to be mediocre in their future! It's their destiny.


About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.