johnny manziel vikings

2014 Who Ya Gonna Draft? – Johnny Manziel

The 2014 NFL Draft is fast approaching, so I guess I better actually do something draft related. Today, we look into Vikings draft prospect Johnny Manziel, QB and horse dong owner from Texas A&M. For reference, we’ll continue to bring you some hot sexy draft prospect news in the days leading up to the Vikings 2014 draft selections on May 8, 2014. We’ll be basing the priority of our previews on the draft priority board we created over the last month, which can be found here. Essentially it goes: linebackers, quarterback, cornerback, ALL THE DEFENSE, garbage bodies. Enjoy!


Bro, you don’t know Johnny Football? He’s that dude, bro! He’s Brett Favre reincarnate! He’s the J-Man from Down South! He’ll sign footballs, cash checks, bang chicks, and then throw a tight spiral like he’s targeting your butthole from 70 yards out. He doesn’t care. He’s a bad boy! He probably spikes his hair with gel and wears leather underpants. SO HAWT!

I have no idea what the consensus is on Johnny Manziel this year. He’s a talented athlete, maybe he’s a football player, maybe he’s even a quarterback. Maybe he can’t throw out of the pocket, and he’s just the most talented Arena League quarterback you’ve ever seen. I do know I don’t generally like people who have unwarranted “H’s” in their name though, but I do love any outrageous, asshole personalities that can come to my football team to make them more entertaining. And, if we’ve learned anything since the Leslie Frazier and Rick Spielman era, it’s that they sure knew how to make a football team unwatchable and impossible to cheer for. Let’s get a little spice back in the purple and draft this stupid son of a bitch.

johnny manziel shirtless


Dude, is Johnny Manziel shirtless? It’s harder to find pictures of him with his shirt ON, than with it off. Yeah, he’ll Shirtless Johnny Manziel will fit right in.


Alright, enough nonsense. Why do even the most boring people in the world at CBS Sports think Mr. Football is worth a top 10 draft pick? Let’s check in on what he does well first:

Ranks among the more dynamic college football players in recent history. Remarkable maneuverability. Excellent agility and burst, as well as straight-line speed, but what makes Manziel so difficult to contain is his vision. Seems to possess eyes in the back of his head, showing incredible spatial awareness of those around him. Actually more accurate on the move than he is standing flat-footed in the pocket and made significant improvement as a traditional pocket passer in 2013. Improved velocity and placement on intermediate and deep routes in his second season as the starter. Highly competitive performer, who despite his hype as a party-goer, is respected for his work ethic and commitment to the team. Despite ordinary size, possesses large hands that Texas A&M coach Kevin Sumlin has compared to another undersized quarterback – Drew Brees. “Having those big hands not only helps tote the ball in traffic, but he can basically go all through his motion and still pull the ball back,” George Whitfield, a private quarterbacks coach who helps train Manziel, told’s Bruce Feldman in 2013. Whitfield also has worked with several elite NFL quarterbacks, including Ben Roethlisberger, Cam Newton and Andrew Luck. All three have size 14 shoes. The 6-foot Manziel wears 15s. Proven production and ability to produce in big moments.

Oh great, so you’re basically telling me Manziel has a huge dick, too? I know who the ladies are going to be hoping we draft. But why would you not draft him?

Tendency to fall off his throws, even when standing flat-footed with no pressure. In falling away rather than stepping into his throws, passes lack consistency accuracy. Willing to throw passes late and over the middle, and relies on his wideouts to make plays in jump-ball situations. Possesses enough arm strength to make every NFL throw but does not own a howitzer and projects best in a timing-based offense that utilizes rather than limits his creativity. String of off-field issues brings maturity level and ability to handle the rigors of being the “face” of an NFL franchise into serious question.

CBS Sports then goes on to compare him to Jeff Garcia, which is just the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Basically, yeah, if you want a stallion, draft this smooth chested sex toy.

manziel samantha ponder


With pictures like that, doesn’t it already SEEM like Manziel is making his move to the Vikings? He’s already stolen Ponder’s wife, why not his job next?

I’m just going to go ahead and assume Manziel doesn’t last until pick eight with the Vikings. That would mean perpetual idiots in Cleveland would have to think that they don’t need talent OR star power like Johnny Football, and they decide to take an offensive tackle, or something stupid. I mean, they are the Browns, so maybe it happens, but it’s WAY too stupid to happen. Point being, he’d have to drop past Cleveland, the Bucs, Rams, Jags, Oakland, and pretty much every other team with a quarterback boner that wants to trade with Atlanta to secure Manziel’s girlfriend’s boobs on game day. That’s pretty much every team in the NFL.

Now, the Vikings – Specifically coach Mike Zimmer – has already down played their interest in Manziel, since his Pro Day. Smoke screen or legitimate disinterest? If it’s the latter, I’m going to break something. I want to cheer for this asshole so bad, I can’t even describe it. I would welcome all the ridiculousness, even if it meant we weren’t REALLY that good for the next four to five years. It’d all be worth it.

So? You want Johnny Manziel on the team?


About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.