As the 2014 season inches nearer and nearer, Purple Jesus Diaries is going to take a look at the NFC North division to preview the upcoming year. How stiff is the competition? Where do the Vikings rank? How much do I hate every other team? We’ll take a stab at all of that here, relying heavily on ESPN The Magazine’s NFL preview rankings, which we learn are utter shit. We already checked out the Packers and the Bears, so now we move on to the Lions and the Vikings.
2013: 7-9, 3rd in NFC North
Biggest Team Douche: It seems like a real obvious choice here to pick Matthew Stafford, and I was CERTAINLY inclined to do so, but I choose Reggie Bush instead. For some reason I think that guy is just an asshole. He cheated in college, too, and never actually won the Heisman. Never forget that.
ESPN The Mag Prediction: 7-9, 39.1% chance of making the playoffs
ESPN The Mag Quote:
“Will Win 9 If balance on I and a legit No. 2 (Golden Tate) mean ewer Stafford INTs (17.3 per season since ’11). Will Win 6 If CB Darius Slay doesn’t improve and the DBs are a weak point again.”
PJD’s Take: What’s been the biggest issue with the Lions since before you remember your testicles dropping? Their shoddy defensive backfield? That is correct. And so what do the Lions do year after year? Draft highly rated cornerbacks to try and shore up the defense? Sign free agent cornerbacks to try and make the team better? How about waiting until the late fourth round to draft a 5’9″ cornerback that may or may not make your roster? This is why the Lions suck, and always will suck. You have a fat rap artist at quarterback, a robot at wide receiver, and a couple of asshole tight ends. And your new head coach got fired because he couldn’t coach a Colts team sans-Peyton Manning to anything better than a 2-14 record. Holy crap. Good luck, nerds. You’re bottom dwellers this year.
2013: 5-10-1, 4th in NFC North
Biggest Team Douche: Blair Walsh. Yeah, I said it. Him stabbing Kluwe in the back in support of Mike Priefer was a real bull shit move. He also flew too close to the sun his rookie year and now thinks he’s invulnerable. Well, you better learn to find your touch outside real quick, shorty, or shit is going to hit the fan.
ESPN The Mag Prediction: 4-12, 11.9% chance of making the playoffs
ESPN The Mag Quote:
“Will Win 8 If coach Mike Zimmer works his magic with the DBs and Teddy keeps it simple if named the starter. Will Win 5 If Bridgewater’s accuracy is spotty and the D struggles to improve at the second and third levels.”
PJD’s Take: OK. More than anyone else that has a stupid blog about a stupid football team, I love-hate the Vikings more than anyone. I actively cheered for them to lose more games last year so they could get into position to draft Bridgewater. “Well, that showed you, didn’t it, stupid PJD!” It sure did, arm chair fat ass! But if you’re going to lose, lose big man. If you’re going to win? Let’s win big. And that’s what I think a Mike Zimmer team can do.
I’ve been trying to hide my boner all preseason long, and I just can’t anymore. This team looks good. Teddy looks legit, and Zimmer is working magic tricks (“Illusions, Michael!”) with our shit defense. A 4-12 record? No way, assholes. Hey, we got a tough schedule, but we’re not that bad. I think we can go 2-2 heading into a week 5 game against the Packers. Steal that one (on a short Thursday night game week, too!), and all bets are off. Always assume a split with the Lions and the Bears, and we’re already at 5. Beat the Bills, Bucs, R-Words, and Jets, and we’re a 9-7 team fighting for a wild card spot. Why not?
I think we fight pretty solidly for this division this year. The Lions look awful, the Bears look terrible, and the Packers are vulnerable. The Vikings have Mike Zimmer’s thumb, and that’s all that matters.
Now let’s play some games.