UPDATE: Breaking news says Donald Driver is actually retiring instead of signing with someone like the Vikings, which just makes the rest of the post even more ridiculous, so … Enjoy that.
Here's a surprise for you. If you were a betting man (say doing some Super Bowl 47 betting, in which case you'd probably choose the wrong team anyway and lose all your money, but still clearly have a gambling problem), and I told you that Green Bay Packer receiver Donald Driver was old, and wrinkly, and no one wanted to pay him to play for their team any more, including the only team he's ever played for in the Packers, would you take that bet that I was telling the truth? Would you then also believe me if I told you that Driver was probably feeling lonely and neglected, so he (or his agent, whatever) decided to try and drive his price up by pretending there was interest in him from another team? A rival team, even? Say …
… Like that the Minnesota Vikings were interested in signing him? Donald Driver? Mr. Wrinkle Balls? Yeah, I don't get it either.
But that's precisely what has happened. Reports came out this week claiming that the Minnesota Vikings had interest in signing Donald Driver to their team, but I have no idea how. That's the most ridiculous statement since Nike told NFL teams they were going to design their jerseys with fabric instead of NOTHING.
Why the hell would the Vikings have any interest in Donald Driver? Any? Tooooooo … Mentor Percy Harvin? What, at like $5 a year? I'll mentor Harvin for pay in food, if that's what you'll really want. I'll tell him to stop smoking shit and whatever else you want me to do. Driver wouldn't do that anyway. He'd probably talk about God, and Brett Favre, and Dancing with the Stars and other stupid shit. You want us to put up with that? I don't think so.
The only Packer that's going to be heading this way any time soon is Greg Jennings. I'm of the mind that the Vikings HAVE to sign a top flight free agent wide receiver this offseason, while also drafting one in the higher rounds. We're not in a position where we can just go the draft route, as Adrian Peterson and other key players are hitting their prime or on the down side of it. Amazingly, we're back into "win now" mode, as stupid as that sounds. So, we need to go the Bears route (can't believe I just wrote that …) – Get ourselves a Brandon Marshall who can make an immediate impact (eg, make Ponder not look like a moron) while also grooming a young stud to take the reigns over someday, like Alshon Jeffery. Or rather, think Roddy White and Julio Jones. My god, if we had Julio Jones …
That's why Jennings makes sense. He's got some injury concerns, sure, but he's already stated he's a huge pussy who actually WANTS to play indoors. No one tell him about the TCF Bank arrangement with the Vikings in 2014 and 2015, though. That may be a deterrent. Jennings could have that immediate impact though. Driver? Sure, maybe if we had Miss Daisy who needed driving around on Nicollet Mall downtown.
Donald Driver? Pfft. Get out. While we're at it, why don't we just sign Sterling Sharpe, James Lofton, Bill Schroeder, Javon Walk …. Oh. Nevermind. Old Packers suck balls.