Happy Thursday! Hope you didn't already eat breakfast, because this will surely make you throw it all right back up.
What you see before you is the final argument against humans being a part of an advanced society. Main evidence revolves around the two … DRESSES … which are simultaneously hideous and frightening. These are examples of team apparel that the dress maker apparently thought people would want to wear to a formal event, in order to represent their team support while identifying themselves as someone of the lowest common denominator at the same time. It's pretty brilliant, actually. It allows members of the functioning part of society to know which beasts they should stay away from.
But today we ask the question: Which one of these two ugly ass dresses is the ugliest? WE DECIDE!
We'll take a look at both dress, offering a Pro's and Con's list to help us decide which one sucks the most. Naturally, our opinion will be different than your opinion when it comes to aesthetic pleasures, but I think we'll both reach the conclusion that either option is appalling. Here we go.
Good: Not a lot. But in it's defense, the dark colors could be attractive, in theory. Let's say you just had this blue dress with orange lining around the bust. No the best color combo for a formal event, but it could maybe be forgiven as "trying something different" or a weird fashion fad. I also think it's a good choice to let the dress speak for itself, and not adorn it with a veil, straps, or other items. Strapless dresses are the best, because it makes dudes think, "Oh man! Boobs are right below that!" And, of course, possible cleavage. Finally, I applaud the subtle use of the Bears logo right in the midsection. It could be worlds worse as far as branding would go, as seen with the Packers dress.
Bad: It's a god damn Chicago bears formal dress. What the hell. Also, I'm pretty sure those are rhinestones around the Chicago Bears logo, which is just awful. The backless part of the dress looks messed up, too. Like it should dip lower, but because it's likely made of cheap fabric and Chicago pizza crusts it ha to cut across the back higher than it was supposed to. Morons. The random furls on the dress aren't doing anything for me either. I know this can be popular on some dresses, but I think it looks like it can't decide if it wants to be a frilly dress or an elegant piece of poop. Instead, it just looks like a fat Bears fan that forgot to iron their dress. So, exactly as it should.
Good: Holy Christ. Umm … The bodice is a nice touch, in how it separates the torso from the rest of the dress. White is a pretty universal color, as well. So that doesn't automatically turn me away from this garment. Ahhh … This dress DOES conveniently come with a veil, which is probably helpful when you're marrying a Packers fan wearing this, as her face is likely hideous and needs to be covered. So there's that.
Bad: EVERYTHING. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE. The "Packers" text across the bust is clearly the best/worst part about this whole thing though. Largely because you know some fat ass Packers lady who would wear this would make it read PPAAACCCCCCCCCCCKKKKEERRRSSS. Gross. Also, the green and gold cuffs on the bottom of the dress?! I GUESS it mimics the stripes on the Packers uniforms, but Jesus Lord, why are you wearing a formal dress that looks like a football uniform? Honestly, what is wrong with you? This would be the ideal dress for someone to wear to give you a reverse boner, or a dried clam if you are a lesbian.
Everyone loses! Both dresses are awful! The dress maker should be a victim of arson! You need to pour acid in your eyes!
I am so sorry.