ad shirtless 2013

Purple Jesus Diaries Masturbatory Preseason Game 3 Preview: Almost Real Football!

Vikings and 49ers game preview

Tease Yourself with a Half of Real Football:

Nothing like getting football blue balled, right? Not only is this upcoming game between the Minnesota Vikings and the San Francisco 49ers ALMOST like real football (at least for 30 minutes, anyway) it's also on "Primetime" Sunday night, so everyone will get to watch! Get to watch for a little bit anyway. I tried watching some primetime football on Sunday night and even Monday night last week, and I made it about – oh – maybe 7 minutes? It was awful. Will our game be any better? Well, after last week's debacle, I may venture that even with the starters expected to play into the second half that the chances of an entertaining game for Vikings fans will be pretty slim. But hey, if you're a 49ers fan? Should be a blast! Can't wait for that.

Return of Adrian Peterson

Purple Jesus Returns:

And so it was that on the 3rd game of the preseason, Purple Jesus rolled back the stone from the offseason and made his first appearance on the football field. And the heavens rejoiced. His smile cured the offensive ailments of the Minnesota Vikings, and his touch brought life back to Christian Ponder's arm. Now, Ponder can throw it 10 yards deep instead of just five! All is right with the world. Except for when he gets tackled hard by some jerk Roman traitor playing for the 49ers and I gasp in horror hoping against hope that the Son of God is not injured again. It's going to be a tense night of television, I tell ya. How can Breaking Bad compete with that?!

Ponder hates defenses

So Who'll Make the Ponder Excuses Now?

So, here's the big test, too. After I accepted the fate of Christian Ponder's low ceiling thanks to last week's too-familiar performance, I heard from many Vikings fans on the blog and social media who continued to come to Ponder's defense. The excuses to give him more time to show his value ranged far and wide. From "He didn't have the MVP in the line up, of course he didn't look great!" to "I'm not a Ponder fan (nice, better preface that, idiots!), but it's just a preseason game, remember the Lions going 4-0 in the preseason then 0-16 in the regular season? It means nothing!", Vikings fans really showed their low IQs this week continuing to make excuses for a quarterback that has 27 regular season games under his belt. You don't think we've figured him out yet? You think he has this vast reservoir of talent he's just waiting to tap until Adrian Peterson is back in the line up? Welp, alright, we'll see I guess! Peterson is back in the line up Sunday night, so I expect a stellar Ponder performance, as I was told would happen from the intelligent Vikings fan community out there. If it doesn't materialize, I demand a refund on his draft pick, though.

Spider Man meme

Meme of the Week:

I expect a lot of blinder homer Vikings fans to be slavering at the mouth after I just called them idiots, so I specifically chose this 60's Spider Man meme for them. Let it be known that just because you're a fan of a team, it doesn't mean that you have to blindly support every single player on that team. I'm not a big Ponder fan. I agree he still needs this year (maybe half the year) to show everyone he can do this job, I have just used a fascinating new technique called "deductive reasoning" to tell myself that it probably won't happen. So I'm not going to ignorantly offer him sunshine compliments like he's a child. We're all adults here. Prove your value already, or get out. Prove me wrong, that's all I ask. I mean, I'm not hoping the guy gets hit by a car or anything. I'm not even hoping he throws an interception and loses the starting job. I just want him to do better, even if I don't think it will happen. And realizing that disappointment is why the world is so sad.

Arran Single Malt

Scotch of the Week:

Has anyone been to Scotland on a scotch tasting trip before? I keep getting asked about it by family members working to come up with get rich quick schemes that would pay for it. This blog isn't helping in that regard, so I figure I could cast a wider net and see what others' experiences have been in traveling there or other tips to offer. My tip for you today is to check out the Arran Single Malt 10 year. It apparently offers a "mid-palate sweetness" which is the key in the experience. It should be lighter still, with a nose of orange, lemon, and banana (like a fruit basket!), but then light and sweet on the tongue like kisses from a butterfly angel. Finishes with more of that dried banana taste, however, the overarching theme in the nose through finish is going to be a sweet maltiness, with grain, cereal, and touches of vanilla oak. SPLENDID.

Shirtless Viking of the Week:

In honor of the return of our Lord and Savior, Purple Jesus, here's more of him showing the devil reasons why he should be afraid. Will this same tactic work on the 49ers defense? DOUBTFUL! Since he has to play with a jersey on. I bet they're still scared, though.

Peterson and 49ers

Half of a Real Prediction:

Oh, we'll get our shit smeared, for sure. The 49ers were in the Super Bowl last year, John Harbaugh is a total poop head, but also a fantastic football coach, and our team is just not on that level. Not right now. Maybe we can get there. But I doubt we do with Ponder at quarterback. It's a big night for him though. I mean, sure, even if we don't win this "meaningless" "preseason" "football" "game" he still needs to show that he can go toe to toe with a legit NFL defense. Sure, sure, he played great last year when we beat them during the regular season. The dude went 21-35 for 198 yards and 2 touchdowns. That's a damn good game for Ponder. But that's kind of the problem. That might be his ceiling, and you just have to ask yourself, is that good enough for a playoff run? I don't think so, but I would love to be wrong.

Either way, whatever, watch some football on a Sunday, even if it's crappy preseason action. Keep an eye out for Marvin Mitchell and Bobby Felder, both training camp guys who are pushing for legit playing time this year. And will Mike Mauti continue to impress while Gerhart disappoints? That's what I'll really be watching. Oh, and any shirtless cameos. We'll have a game thread up for Sunday night. See you then.


About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.