Thus Begins Ponder's Story
The Minnesota Vikings 2013 starts this weekend. And if you think this season is about anything other than Christian Ponder, you would be wrong. Everything that happens to this team will be on Ponder's shoulders this season, no excuses. Stalled offense? Ponder's fault. Missed kick? Ponder's fault, duh. Defense gives up 200 yards on the ground? All Ponder. Touchdown pass from Ponder to Rudolph? All Peterson's success, of course!
More seriously, it's not that every good or bad thing will be because of Ponder somehow, but that this team lives or dies with Ponder. And if not Ponder, well, Cassel I guess, but he's not really the answer either. He just may be more predictable, which can be OK. But let's do this mind game. Remove Ponder from this team and add – I don't know – someone even more middling like Jay Cutler. How much better does this team look? Are they being talked about as Super Bowl contenders by the major media instead of a 7-9 season? You know they are. The offense is stacked (outside of quarterback) and the defense is flat out better on paper than last year. But no one trusts Ponder. Nor should they. He has not shown any reason for us TO trust him yet.
Maybe that all changes on Sunday. Maybe he goes Culpepper vs. the Cowboys and tosses for five touchdowns, and Adrian Peterson gets some anime eyes because he's so impressed with him. I don't know. Either way, we start finding out what Ponder's story is all about this weekend.
Once again, thanks to The Other Guy from Rube Chat for a game day preview graphic!
I Think the Lions Might Be Awful
Or not, because holy crap, I think the Lions may be awful. What is that coaching staff even doing? The Lions have awful linebackers and defensive backfield players, and so they spend two of their first four picks in the draft this year on defensive ends. They have dropped more money into the defense line than a horn dog drops at the Lamplighter, but the results have somehow been worse for the Lions. Their defensive line is good, I guess, but the rest of their defense is bad. Real bad. And I think it's going to show. Their offense will keep them in games, sure, because who doesn't love Calvin Johnson, but he's essentially Barry Sanders at wide out. It's going to get ugly.
Unleash the Noobs!
I'm nervous for this game because who the hell knows what's going to happen, but what I'm really excited for is seeing all the new guys we have get their first NFL game experience. Cordarrelle is going to be awesome out there, returning kickoffs and catching footballs and doing cool football stuff. Rhodes is going to be pretty physical and will get to go up against people like Nate Burleson, or whoever the Lions other receivers are, and he's going to demolish them. It sounds like Sharrif Floyd is ready to go as well, and with Kevin Williams still sidelined, we'll definitely need his huge butt in the middle of our defense. On top of that, other new-team bros like Greg Jennings and the late round picks should make this interesting. And do we get Zach Line starting at fullback? MORE WHITE GUYS, LESSSS GOOOO!!!!
Meme of the Week
More 60s Spider-Man, because shut your mouth. I was really trying to think of some way to tie this back to the Vikings and Lions game, but I really couldn't. I just saw this and laughed out loud because it was so aggressively and offensive. I guess the best thing I can come up with is that since Spider-Man is so pushy in this meme that this is what the Vikings will do to the Lions this week? Just slap them around a little bit, treat them like our play thing, make them dance for us? I don't know. Just laugh with me.
Scotch of the Week
That's it, summer time is over. Get your light and fruity and sweet beers and scotches out of here. We drink heavy, dark, peaty stuff from now on. So, for this week, we're going to start you off a little easy, while still getting a little frisky, and recommend Kilchoman's Inaugural 3 Year Old Release. The Kilchoman distillery is somehow related to the Bruichladdich family, although I haven't been able to figure out how exactly yet. Regardless, this Inaugural release sounds pretty good. While it definitely will have that peaty, island nose, you're also going to get a little but of hot smoked salmon, and/or scallop shells. So basically, it smells like your girlfriend after she gets out of the ocean. It definitely tastes better though, with the smoky feel on your tongue, melting into a bit of sweetness as it finishes, thanks to the sherry casks. So you get a nice mix to start of the peat and sweet this season. We should name a tandem on the team that. PEAT and SWEET! SMOKY and SUGAR! The smoky one should obviously be Jerome Simpson.
Shirtless Viking of the Week
Uh … I don't really have any new Shirtless Vikings to share this week. I don't know what is going on with this tea. Do they think NOT taking their shirts off is going to be what gets them wins? Because it won't. That's not how this works. You need to take it off, you dirty whores. Oh, that's how I tie in the Spider-Man meme. Anyway, since we were talking about the rookies earlier, enjoy this picture of CB Xavier Rhodes. SO HAWT.
Early Season Predictions
OK, so despite all crapery that has been going on with the Vikings before this season, where are we going to find this team? How are they going to perform in this game? How many shirts will come off to help them play better? Because if that answer is ZERO, well, I can tell you you're going to have a bad time.
I don't know why I feel like this team is more competent than they have shown thus far in the preseason, but I do. I feel like this is a pretty salty defense that has shifted their focus on turn overs, and may surprise a lot of people. The offense looks fantastic on paper, as mentioned, at every position pretty much except for the quarterback. And maybe the offensive line. That scares me as well. But outside of those two things, the team looks pretty good. Good enough to beat the Lions? Probably. In the first game of the season, on the road? Ehhh … I don't know. I really don't. I'm going to play dumb and say that the Vikings win, like like 24-20 or something, but what do I know. I include pictures of shirtless men in my game previews, so clearly I'm an expert.
Hey, let's have some fun, huh? First game of the season, first Sunday of NFL football, first PJD game thread will be then as well. Let's jump in and enjoy ourselves before the Ponder bomb explodes and we're frustrated with the doves that he throws from his powerful right arm. Fun times! See you Sunday.