christian ponder vikings bears 2013

PJD’s Game Two Recap: Vikings Gonna Vike

Vikings Bears Header

Has There Ever Been a More "Vikings Game" Vikings Game?

OK, so we all just suffered through a stupid Vikings game on Sunday afternoon. The Vikings lost to the Bears 31-30, and it was pretty embarrassing. But ask yourself WHY it was embarrassing. I mean, we all knew the Vikings were going to lose the game, right? Did ANYONE legitimately pick them to win going in to it? No, of course not. So losing to Chicago wasn't the problem. That was the cosmic world setting things right. We didn't disrupt the balance of the universe by winning this week, so you'll probably find a $20 bill on the ground this week as reward. Just take it and roll with it.

No, we were suppose to lose, so that's fine. This game was embarrassing because it was lost in a fashion that only the Vikings can do. After a half of craptastic football in which the offense looked as attractive as the Miss American contestant from Wisconsin, Vikings QB Christian Ponder came out in the second half and actually looked the part of an NFL rookie QB in his first game. Forget the fact that he's not actually a rookie, but you get me. Everything was finally starting to come up MINNESOTA, with strong and unexpected QB play, a return of amazing Adrian Peterson, a stingy defense that was getting three and outs, and then … Vikings football! Giving the opposing team just enough so that we can snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

All things considered, it's nice to know that some things never change.

Chris Cook Martellus Bennet

Mushroom Stamp of Disapproval

Boy, who do you blame for this one? There were so many break downs across the entire team that it's hard to pin it all on one dude. For no other reason than because he was the defender in on the last play of the game where the Bears scored to take the lead, we're giving it to Chris Cook. On the other hand, Cook had several nice plays as well, including some Winfield-esque tackles where he pretty much shivved a guy in the guts. But I also can't get over him Chris Brown-ing people, and so am admittedly not a huge fan of his, but whatever. Sorry, Chris, you get the poop honor this week.

Chad Greenway Jay Cutler

The SHIT List

Every week during a recap we're going to take a look at the IT List (a list of awesome people who did awesome things during a win) or the SHIT List (a list of shitty people who did shitty things during a loss). You know which route we're going today, so here's your weekly SHIT List:

Matt Kalil: Played better as the game went on, but he continues to get beat up this year. False starts don't work to endear you to people, either.

Vikings Special Teams: Why the hell are you still kicking to Devin Hester? I'd rather you just kick the ball out of bounds on kickoffs and start them at the 35. It'd be better than that romantic necking you called return coverage.

Chad Greenway: He's been having some good plays and some bad plays, and this was a bad game for him. He got juked, dodged, and was found out of position more often than a straight guy at an orgy. You're paid too much for that, Chad.


And these are the types of games I hate for the Ponder lovers trying to make their case. To a degree, sure, they'll have an argument. After Ponder through his pick-six (Don't forget that happened!), something seemed to click with him and he started playing competently. He looked sharp on his throws when he needed to, and likewise showed nice touch to fit the pass into tight corners. He also was more willing to go to his wide open check down right in front of him for three yards instead of an incomplete, which was a huge reason why the offense found a rhythm and moved in the second half. He stood in the pocket strong as well, stayed looses, bounced around, read his receivers, and took off when he had to. I was totally all fine with that, and think it was pretty good. If he played like that all the time, I'd have pretty little concern.

But that's the problem. The dude played like this for a HALF. He's been playing like he did when we were skewering him for dinner most of his career. And this is his third season. He doesn't get a pass because he played one DECENT half. And he still didn't do great in that half! That's the dumbest part. I've been seeing his deep post pass that he "threaded in there" to Greg Jennings (which should have been a helmet-to-helmet call by the way), and how AMAZING it was, but – Jesus Christ – if he would have looked 20 degrees to the right, he had a receiver breaking off his defender and slanting towards the end zone where no safety was in sight. Could have been an easy touch down, extra points, and we never get into this bullshit 4th quarter come back. On his pick-six too, he had Rudolph 10 yards deeper with NO ONE around him. But why throw to our good player? Same thing with about four minutes left in the game. He blows another pass to Rudolph (should have dropped it down over his shoulder, easy TD) and the Vikings settle for a field goal, allowing the Bears to remain within striking distance. It's infuriating, and with him on the short end of his rookie contract now, there is still no reason for him to be this inconsistent, incompetent, and ineffective. So many I's!

Point being: Don't let a Ponder-pologist push you around this week. He's still not off the hook, and he won't be until he puts up games better than his second half for several games in a row.

Vikings linebackers are bad

Nipples and Notes

Here are some other things about this game we'd probably like to forget:

– Harrison Smith, NFFFF, feels good man. On this defense currently, I like him, Xavier Rhodes (only because the jury is out and he had a nice play), and Everson Griffen because he seems crazy. That's about it, actually.

– After the game, Peterson talked about being "a little hesitant" during the game, and god dammit, what is this franchise doing to him? The best player ever is feeling down on himself because he didn't run for 200 yards this game and lost because players around him suck? STOP HURTING BABY PURPLE JESUS!

– Apparently when you get the ball in Greg Jennings and Cordarrelle Patterson's hands, they do impressive things. Who knew?

– John Carlson! Get off my team! You don't field a ball with 10 seconds left, a bunch of time outs, and run around like a squirrel! Take a knee and run a play, idiot! God dammit, you are awful.

– Nice work Letroy Guion. That was a big time turn over.

– Speaking of defensive tackles, I don't want any arm chair cheerleader telling me they know that Kevin Williams isn't a good player any more. I hate all of your stupid faces, so shut up.

– So, the lack of linebacker talent is a serious issue. Marvin Mitchell was getting tons of burn out there, that's how bad it's gotten. I was wrong about Desmond Bishop. He looked bad out there. And Erin Henderson ain't getting it done either. It's going to be a season long nightmare of tears, bros. I mean, more than usual.

Vikings fans tears

Oh and Two Haiku

Who we play this week?
Those cry babies the Vikings?
Best get out the tarp!

So, the good news is that we face Cleveland next week, in our first home game of the year. If we lose that one, I think it's safe to say we can blow this ship up and start looking at Timberwolves basketball, or start talking NFL Draft 2014. If we win, we've staved off infection for one more week, but are probably just treading water still. Pretty exciting stuff, huh?! Return to PJD all week for more positivity! *guns face*


About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.

purple jesus colts 2012

PJD’s Game Two Recap: Vikings Gonna Vike

Vikings Gonna Vike: Let's get the bad news out of the way first – The Vikings lost in a total heartbreaker on Sunday afternoon, when they fell 20-23 to the Colts. Not to say that this loss was wholly unpredictable. I mean, we all saw it coming. I was expecting a loss before we even started the game, and even more so, when they were driving for the game tying touchdown, you just KNEW that this was setting up to be an all time great in heart breaks from the Purple. All the ingredients were there to make this a game you'd like to burn in a pile of ex-girlfriend photos. But that'd be a waste because, despite the loss, there were actually some redeeming qualities from this game. I know, it sounds like a preposterous statement, but hear me out as we cross that point. 

When it's all said and done though, if you ever wanted to watch a Vikings game where the Vikes were gonna Viking it up and play like the Vikings you know and love, Sunday was that day, and they didn't disappoint. Depending on how you look at it, I guess. I mean, they lost, so that was a total ball stomper, but they lost PREDICTABLY. So at least there's that. Whatever. Silver lining. Onto the recap.


Vikings Colts Defense

Mushroom Stamp of Disapproval: No bones about it, we officially know who to blame for this loss. Amazingly, Ponder played fine (more on that in a second), Percy was out of his mind, the special teams was solid, the coaching had it's bumps but those were even arguable … I didn't even see Ragnar on the screen. Really, this game was an all around solid game. Except, for that fucking, defense. Our defense, despite all of it's upgrades, may still be one of the worst, smelliest, offensive, disgusting, depressing, instances of a defense that I have ever seen. It's like Kevin Cosgrove is coaching them. It's like our entire coaching staff isn't made up from guys that played defense back in the day, or are from a defensive coaching branch, or have a specialty in defense. And beyond that, it's like we don't have players that know how to scrap that shit for brains coaching plan and just stop the other team from doing good things with the ball. I won't say that I was sitting on the couch with my hands down my pants being lazy all Sunday afternoon and that I'm mad because I saw a defensive player take a play off, because I don't actually think I did. I think they were trying out there, but that may be the worst part. That's the best we can do against an offensive line that had like 4 guys sitting out? A missed safety, no interceptions against a guy who threw three last week, and 40 easy yards in 20 seconds? You're all fired. Everyone. I hate everyone on defense but Antoine Winfield. He's honestly it, and even he's pushing his luck, but only because he's old. The whole defensive squad gets STAMPED.

Christian Ponder Colts 2012

But About Shirtless Ponder: I hate to say this, because I'm sure he'll revert back to form soon, but … He's played … well? … over these first two games. Really! In two games now (against shitty defensives, mind you) he's got 500 yards, 2 touchdowns, zero interceptions, an average completion percentage of about 70%, and …. a 1-1 record, which is all that really matters. And one of those touchdowns probably shouldn't count off of that tip ball. But I do think he's done alright. It's probably the appropriate amount of progression that we need to see from him in this second year, where technically he hasn't even played a full season of NFL games in his career. AND! Look at the garbage he has at wide receiver. Outside of Percy and the emerging Kyle Rudolph, the guy has nothing. His options are bleaker than a straight guy at the Saloon on a Saturday night. But he's still getting some things done, and I think that will only get better when our third favorite pot head , Jerome Simpson, gets back in the line up. He at least LOOKS like he can play wide receiver. And, I think we can all agree that while Ponder was a reach as far as draft picks go, but it could be a lot worse. I mean, look at the Jaguars. They benched Gabbertt yesterday. Amazing. What an asshole. At least our QB looks a lot better with his shirt off.

Percy Harvin Colts 2012

Take All of My Money (And Give it to Percy): This isn't even a debate anymore. If Percy doesn't have a contract extension for 13 years with an option for ownership in the franchise by week 6 of this year, I'll burn every Viking ship I see to the ground. When the guy is single handily able to accumulate more yardage than the rest of your entire offense, AND he's doing it by primarily catching bubble screen passes?! Yeah, you give him every dime you have in your bank account and pray to the Lord Purple Jesus that he doesn't flip you the bird and walk as a free agent. Just imagine how horrible this team would be without him, and I'm even talking about if we had a 100% Purple Jesus. Worse than starting Bobby Wade? Would Aromoshadu see more time? I don't know and I don't care. I never want to have to answer these questions. Give the man what he wants, god dammit. Don't screw this up like the Timberwolves did with Kevin Love.

Leslie Frazier Colts 2012

The Shit List: This was apparently the week when the team decided to start pissing me off something fierce and get me really upset with some of the football players, as players, not as human beings. As such, I'll continue to keep a week to week running tally of who it is from the organization that is moved to my shit list either through craptacular play or because they pissed me off for various reasons. After week two, that list includes (in no particular order):

Everson Griffen (Roughing the kicker call, JESUS!)
Jared Allen (Crap roughing the passer call, but come on man)
Charlie Johnson (Great game to show the Colts they're really missing out!)
Alan Williams (Are you seriously a coach?)
Leslie Frazier (This still all comes back to you, COACH)
Paul Allen (Because)
Ragnar (I hate your face)

I guess I could probably put the whole defense down too, but I think the problems are so much more systemic than just "the defense" that it would seem like a moot point. We're screwed, dudes.

Colts Team 2012 Vikings

You Lost, So Haiku:

The first guy who says
"We just need a little Luck"
Goes plays for the Vikes!

Sad day, friends. Disappointing loss, truly, because we probably could have and should have had that one. Regardless, we're still tied for the lead in the NFC North (everyone is 1-1!) and for the second best record in the NFL! The bad news is that the 49ers come to town this week and holy mother of God, they have been destroying everything they've touched so far this year. Who knew gold miners were so vicious. We'll see if we can recapture some 49er magic, but I doubt it.

Enjoy the week.


About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.