Still Perfectly Winless on the Year
You guys! We did it! We actually did it! We kept the winless streak alive, and really stuck it to Cleveland! I mean, it was a hell of a barn burner, and I honestly didn't know if we were going to pull this off, but we found a way. THE GOOD TEAM ALWAYS FIND A WAY! We overcame adversity and a team trading their star running back and starting a third stringer this week and were able to let them win. Never in a MILLION years would I have thought it were possible, but here we are. WE DID SOMETHING RIGHT! We are OFFICIALLY in this race for top quarterback in the draft, kids. It's going to be a tight race with other 0-3 teams in need of a QB right now, like Jacksonville and Tampa Bay, but I BELIEVE! I think when Paul Allen of KFAN keeps tweeting the hashtag #faith, he must be talking about how you have to have faith that this year – this is the year! – the Vikings will finally figure it out and suck just enough to get pick number one, and the quarterback or defensive end of our choice. I'm so excited! I'm almost crying just thinking about it. We are assured this pick, we have to be. When you lose to teams like the Browns this week (a HUGE loss in the NFL draft tie breaking formula), you just know that we are the team of destiny this year.
#Blow4Bridgewater #Tank4Teddy WE CAN DO THIS! SKOL VIKINGS!
Mushroom Stamp of Disapproval
Oh, by the way, three games into this 2013 it's pretty obvious that this Minnesota Vikings team F*CKING SUCKS. It is awful. maybe worse than the other collection of shit heels who went 3-13 a few years ago, and that's impressive. It's almost UNFATHOMABLE how bad this team is. We're led by a JV quarterback, with a bored offensive line, backed by a defensive line who forgot how to pressure a third string quarterback, linebackers who are slow and consistently out of position, and cornerbacks who will never be as good as Antoine Winfield. Frankly, this entire FRANCHISE should get this week's mushroom stamp, but I'm singling out AJ Jefferson, for a couple of reasons. First, wasn't I asking months ago why this petrified cock bucket was welcomed back to the team? And how shitty do you have to be to get benched for an entire game after TWO SNAPS? Why even have this ass goblin dress for the day, then? Why not just put Joe Webb back there? He may accidentally intercept the pass, at least. Unreal. That's an awful coaching and personnel decision, and the team clearly sucks labia because of it.
I'll Totally Drop "I Told You So"
Yeah, I will. I have had countless Twitter and Facebook battles with the dumbest of Vikings fans who were so dead set on needing to give Ponder until at least like game eight before you could decide whether or not he was the quarterback of the future. I was calling for his perfectly squared jaw line and quaffed hair to ride the pine back in August. I WAS RIGHT, YOU WERE ALL F*CKING WRONG AND STUPID AND PROBABLY UGLY. And now that these moron Vikings fans are finally understanding how awful he is, NOW they want to sit him. Well guess what, jizz hands? It'd be pointless to do that now. No, now is the time you ride that SOB to the end of the season ala Favre 2010. Maybe he gets concussed against the Bears later in the year. Who knows? But what WILL happen is that he'll help us find his replacement by playing like he's ALWAYS played throughout his career, helping us lose, and subsequently securing that top pick in 2014. Thanks, Christian!
I didn't verify this separately because who really gives a shit, but it sounds like Ponder is 12-17 as a starter now. Honestly, that's a lot better than I would have expected, but … Still very bad.
Potential Head Coach Candidates
Alright, now that we know this team is a new cast member of this season's Walking Dead, we get to ask ourselves the fun questions, like who will we draft next year, and who will be the head coach in 2014? Because we all know Leslie Frazier sure as shit won't be back. I mean, if you were a business man, and you had a branch manager that ran the place like Michael Scott but with lower staff moral, would you welcome him back? Well, I would if he were Michael Scott, but anyone else? Fired. In a heart beat. And you know what? I would wait until the end of the year, too. I'd make Frazier sweat it out. But then fire him. So who is the next coach? Here are some candidates:
Bill Cowher: A Super Bowl winning coach with a chin to strike fear into the Packers? I'm all in. He would never settle for our defensive backfield's performance, either, and would not only have sat AJ Jefferson, but probably strangled him. Also, would finally figure out how to use AD properly, too.
David Shaw: A young up-and-coming college coach getting his big shot in the NFL? Why not? His offense would be dynamic, and I bet he couldn't mess around in hiring a smart defensive coordinator not named Alan Williams.
VIKTOR the VIKING: You would NEVER have to worry if the players were psyched up or motivated to play, because VIKTOR would snort coke with each and every one of them before a game started. There might be a lot for suspensions though, but also some random killings, so it would be entertaining.
Chris Kluwe: Smartest Vikings who loved the state gets welcomed back with open arms as he becomes the first player/coach in the modern era, as he both wears the headset and continues with his punting duties. Would be amazing.
Nipples and Notes
So, the game wasn't ALL bad (just kidding), and there are certainly many individual things we need to discuss about this cock up, so let's get to it:
– Marcus Sherels was the best cornerback the Vikings had on the field during the game. Think about that. As much as I use to mock and ridicule that little munchkin, he apparently is the only defensive player (aside from Harrison Smith) with half a brain out there, so he becomes one of my favorite Vikings. Nice work, kid!
– Heading into this season I was pretty concerned that our entire defensive line was going to pretty much turn over this offseason with Jared Allen, Everson Griffen, Brian Robison, Kevin Williams, and other depth guys not signed long term. Now? GOOD. Get off the team and let's start over.
– I simply cannot state how awful Christian Ponder is as a quarterback. The time it takes him to check down to a back (37 seconds?) means the defender who lost him has had time to run to the sidelines and ask his coach who he should be defending, run back to position, and make the tackle for minimum gain. Also, any pass he completes this season is pretty much a receiver bailing his ass out. See, terribly under-thrown deep ball to Cordarrelle Patterson. LOOK, MA, I THREW A LONG PASS!
– OK, you're down four points, four seconds left in the game, you have one final shot to heave it to the endzone. What do you do? Scramble around in the backfield and take a sack of course, and never let a receiver even attempt to jump for the ball. What, you think Greg Lewis is going to come running out there for a catch or something? Why even try, right?
– I think we all owe Percy Harvin an apology, as well. He knew this team sucked, this quarterback was shit, and he got out. Dude is brilliant.
– Nice work by the Browns to factor in that the Vikings coaching staff is filled with a bunch of limp dicks, so leaving a tight end on the far side of the field during a fake field goal attempt to score a touchdown was brilliant. And the fact that the Vikings fell for pretty much every fake in the book just makes me so happy. That's just being dumb, and poorly coached. You can't lie about it at that point.
– I've maybe never been more proud of Vikings fans as I was when they were booing the team relentlessly during the first quarter and throughout the game. These jackalopes deserve your ridicule, and I'm glad you delivered in only the third game of the season, first home game of the year. Nice work, everyone, keep it up!
– If Charlie Johnson is on this team next year, there's going to be a murder case somewhere. I'm just throwing that out there.
– Is Bill Musgrave this bad of a play caller, or does he just know Ponder can't complete any of the passes he has on his play sheet? A real conundrum.
– My favorite part of the game broadcast was when the Metrodome sound crew started IMMEDIATELY playing the Vikings team song as the clock struck zero, and the players ran out on the field. Oh, so now the fans are just going to sing along after getting thrashed at home? Keep up the spirit, old chaps, it's all well and good, pip pip! Morons. What an awful franchise.
I hate to say this,
As a Browns fan? I just feel
Bad for Viking fans.
It's on now, folks, this is a complete shit show. Everything must go at the end of the year, and all we're watching from here on out is the implosion of a once promising future. It's like you're wedding day! Buckle up, and prepare for an awful, soul crushing ride. It's going to be fun.