peterson haiku packers 2013


Christian ponder Forgot Football

The Vikings Suck

The Vikings suck. The Minnesota Vikings are a terrible football team. The Vikings play bad football. The Minnesota Vikings have a collection of bad coaches. The Vikings are terrible on offense. The Vikings don't have a quarterback who can play the game. The Minnesota Vikings may be the worst team in the history of the NFL. The Vikes defense is likely the worst in the league. Christian Ponder is a bad quarterback. Matt Cassel is a bad quarterback. Josh Freeman is a bad quarterback. Leslie Frazier is a bad quarterback, probably, but also a bad coach, definitely. Bill Musgrave is a joke of an offensive coordinator. Alan Williams should be jobless. The Metrodome is an awful stadium. The Vikings have never won a Super Bowl. The Vikings look dumb in their all purple uniforms. The Vikes offensive line sucks. The Vikings defensive line is overrated. The Minnesota Vikings have a terrible defensive backfield.

And now everyone in the country knows that after having to watch this amateur night at the 22nd Street Station nationally for two weeks in a row, since the Packers put up the most points they ever have managed in the Metrodome in its final season, beating the Vikings 44-31 in a game that should never have seen 31 points from the Vikings.

The Vikings suck, this season sucks, our franchise is a joke, and it's going to be a long rebuilding process.

Leslie Frazier Mushroom Stamp

Mushroom Stamp of Disapproval

It doesn't matter who gets it at this point. I'd give it to the entire defense if that was allowable (I guess it would be, I made this award system up), but I like pointing out one single person. And with the defense, I can't call out one individual that boned it up, because everyone everywhere sucked on it. EVERYONE. There wasn't one defensive player I liked. Even Jared Allen said Sunday night: "I've never played on a defense this bad in my life." YUP. And when that happens, when you have a defensive-minded head coach, you clean house. Sorry. Everyone is fire already, including like 75% of the players, they just don't know it yet.

Cordarrelle Patterson Packers

Nipples and Notes

I'm not wasting my time going over this poop-on-a-stick with a fine tooth comb and a long post, but here are some general notes you can throw a bunch of middle fingers at:

– Always a good idea to start the game off with a kick return. I think the last time the Vikings did that of which I can remember, Percy Harvin housed it, then got put on IR and traded. So, don't leave us, Cordarrelle!

– Aaron Rodgers is a god damn magician. Two passes he threw last night defied explanation. The first to Nelson for a touchdown over a piece of shit Josh Robinson (which was actually "fine" coverage, but also a magic trick of a throw, so what're you going to do), and the other to across the back of a flailing Chad Greenway to Nelson. Both of those were amazing and make me weep internally, wishing I had a QB on MY team who could do illusions, Michael.

– So, we think Jared Allen gets traded this week? He probably should.

– Kyle Rudolph makes some bonkers catches with crap quarterback play. He'd be awesome in a good offense. Poor guy.

– Is it Alan Williams who is responsible to teach our players how to wrap up and tackle? I've never seen so many broken tackles in my life. Maybe if they taped their game checks to the opposing team's players, our guys would take it more seriously.

– When Erin Henderson is being called your best defensive player, you got some serious issues.

– Toby Gerhart trucking his way over Greg Jennings into the endzone was like a microcosm of this franchise over the past five years.

– Speaking of Jennings, he apparently had a close kiss and finger bang session with Aaron Rodgers after the game where Jennings was in Rodgers ear for like 15 minutes. Then, Jennings slipped out of the locker room after the game before talking with reporters, which apparently is a faux pas in the industry. First, I don't give two shits if he didn't give reporters a canned quote about needing to work to improve his game, playing against his old team, etc., etc. I don't want to hear those platitudes anyway, so if he dips out on you without saying anything, who gives a shit, reporter. Shut up. But secondly, that's pretty telling from a guy that is usually nice and approachable. Clearly he regrets his decision and will probably retire, stay out of football for a year, and then go back to being a Packer. It's his only choice.

– I hope Peterson and Blair Walsh survive the coming roster overhaul. But that's about it.

Haiku for Losers

"The power of Christ
Compels the Vikings to score!
… But only this once."

Need a reason to keep watching this weekly pimp slapping? Well, it's only going to get worse, and that means more entertaining. Stick around. This team's implosion is only just starting.


About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.