adrian peterson panthers 2013

PJD’s Game 5 Recap: The Walking Dead, NFL Version

Bad vikings defense

NFL Version of The Walking Dead

On Sunday night, the television show "The Walking Dead" returned for their fourth season. And while the show isn't really THAT good (characterization kind of sucks, some pretty slow pacing, underachieves, etc.), if you're even a quasi-fan of the show and happen to be a Minnesota Vikings fan, it was EASILY the most exciting thing that happened to you on Sunday. Because HOLY CRAP was that football game your favorite team played against the Carolina Panthers absolutely brutal. It was a de-pantsing inside of a jaw punch wrapped in a sexual assault locked inside of a spiraling world of depression and alcoholism. Also known as a fairly standard season for the Minnesota Vikings. Whatever.

In case you were self respecting and decided not to watch the weekly NFL clown show, you missed a real exciting ass kicking that the Vikings endured from the Panthers, as Carolina pretty much tied the purple down and unbuckled their pants, smiling, on their way to a 35-10 win. It sucked, and it pretty much capped the season for the Vikings. It also probably got a bunch of people fired today that we won't hear about for several weeks, so that's exciting.

But why stop the losing fun now? Let's hear more about how awful everything is in this week's recap.

Chris Cook Mushroom Stamp

Mushroom Stamp of Disapproval

So who do we want to blame the MOST for this loss? Let me back up. There are plenty of people who we COULD blame for such an ugly performance in front of the fans. Stick a fork in the coach, maybe? Blame the atrocious defensive backfield for their poor play? Maybe find a way to point the finger at Christian Ponder again? Those are all potential Stamp recipients, but I'm more inclined to give the blame to someone in the defensive backfield. Thus far, I've been under whelmed by Chris Cook every single week. Or, at least, every single week he's been healthy. With Antoine Winfield gone, he was supposed to be "The Guy" for the Vikings at cornerback, or really, at the defensive backfield level for the team. And he's been anything but that. He's been … Fine … Maybe, at best, and that's just not good enough. So, he gets stamped today. But, if it's any consolation Chris, this could have been anyone this week. So don't take it too hard.

Pink socks

The SHIT List

We're bringing back "The SHIT List" as a review tactic during every loss during the season. Of course, if it's miraculously a win somehow, it turns into "The IT List", but of course we won't have to worry about that too much. Essentially, these are people, players, or things on or related to the team that I've pretty much had enough with at this point. These lucky people share the burden of each any every loss going forward. How good for you!

Bill Musgrave: You've ruined Donovan McNabb, Christian Ponder, Joe Webb, and Matt Cassel. I call that a pattern, and you should probably be unemployed.

Alan Williams: Same goes for you. How do you have a job? How come no one else is blaming you as much as they should? The Vikings defense has gotten WORLDS worse since you've taken over duties of "defensive coordinator", and the fact that you get off free of scrutiny makes me sick.

The Metrodome: Last season at the Dome? Great! Leave this shitty staff with it.


Pink Socks: What the hell, man. Gross. "But it's for cancer!" Then ask the NFL how much money they're giving to cancer research versus keeping themselves.

Zygi wilf fire everyone

Everyone Just Got Fired

I pretty much named every single coach on the team in the Shit List, or at the very least, all of them that matter. With this game, and more of the same going forward, it's going to be pretty hard not to send every single one of these losers packing by the end of the year. With them, of course, will go Leslie Frazier, who was not extended on his contract this last off season anyway, and who ain't coaching too hot right now, is he? I kind of am disappointed by that, because I don't actually think Frazier is a huge piece of crap like many of the other coaches on the team. People will talk about how he's not fiery enough, how he needs to yell at his players to be a good coach, and that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. I think he's actually played the role of a head coach pretty well during his tenure, and manages his players pretty good. We also know he's a damn good defensive coordinator when given the chance, too. I don't think he's a great talent scout, but that's not really his job either. Regardless, yeah, he's gone at the end of the year, too. SO many people are getting fired at the end of this year. It's going to be awesome.

Someone Probably Wants to Trade Peterson

Now that the season is pretty much over too, people are going to talk rebuilding strategy to the greatest degree. And many people are going to talk about it like a bunch of idiots. Already, the rhetoric of wanting to trade Adrian Peterson for some huge haul of draft picks is beginning, and honestly it's just the dumbest thing I've heard. So you have a player that is possibly the best at his position in the entire history of the position, and you want to trade him because you have one poor year of football? That seems smart. Because nothing will get a team kick started again like bringing in a rookie QB with a bad, young defense, and no running game support. That sounds like a recipe for success, for sure. Because letting some other pricey, possibly overrated veterans on the team walk this offseason and upgrading the defense and possibly having Cassel or Freeman hold down the fort while you bring along a rookie QB sounds like a much worse idea. God, I hate you people sometimes.

Jared Allen Panthers

Nipples and Notes

Here's some other crap that happened this weekend that doesn't matter because our team sucks donkeys:

– Pretty sure the Matt Cassel show is over, yes?

– People who have been harping for Desmond Bishop to start at linebacker this year finally got their wish, and it was pretty uneventful. I was wondering why he wasn't getting any burn early in the year, but there were a couple of games where he got some playing time this regular season, and it was an ugly performance, and then I was like, "Oh, maybe Coach Frazier knows more than me." Go figure, huh?

– Jared Allen is done. Or at the very least, done with this team. We should probably trade him.

– There were some really stupid calls this game. The one against Sharrif Floyd for putting a palm on the helmet of Cam Newton during a sack was stupid. He didn't actually even get his face mask. I know there are rules about hits to the head of the quarterback, but Jesus man, Cam Newton is a piece of shit anyway, so why not just let teams hit him?

– Seriously. Cam Newton may have a worse first down signal than Jerome Simpson, and that's saying something.

– Adrian Peterson got 10 carries all game. That seems like a pretty solid game plan, Musgrave.

– The team ended up looking like M.A.S.H. by the end of everything. Xavier Rhodes had a tweak of some kind, Harrison Smith had an ankle problem, even VIKTOR was probably on fluids because of withdrawals. It was bad, man.

– Keep in mind, the coaching staff had TWO WEEKS to prepare for this game, and this is the turd they delivered. Probably a fireable offense.

Christian Ponder Panthers

Hands Flipping Haiku

Man, maybe I'm high,
But you're a great quarterback,
My white Josh Freeman.

OK, well that was fun. The season, I mean, not the game. I assume that with a 1-4 record not even the dumbest of Vikings fans are holding onto hope anymore, right? So we can all move on and admit our team sucks and start looking to 2014? Great. I enjoy writing about the offseason more, anyway.


About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.