Finishing With a Turd Squeaker
What a spectacular way to finish a craptacular season. The Minnesota Vikings, eliminated from playoff contention in week two this year, faced the Detroit Lions, a team who somehow became more disappointing than the Vikings this year, even, in the last game ever to be played at the "storied" Metrodome. It was going to be an inter-division slug fest, with at least one team's playoff hopes on the line, making it interesting to watch. Instead, it turned into a pre-season jerk-fest, as Adrian Peterson sat, Toby Gerhart sat, Calvin Johnson sat, and holy crap … What an awful – yet amazingly fitting – game to end the Metrodome era on. A one point win, stifled offenses, weak ass defense, and the Vikings taking a knee at the end of regulation to the disappointment of their fans.
Sound about right? It is. That's your 2013 – and forever, always – Minnesota Vikings.
Mushroom Stamp of Approval
It's pretty clear at this point that there are very few people on this team worth giving a shit about, even if some of those guys are mediocre football players. They aren't fun, interesting, or bad ass, in any shape or form. EXCEPT for Cordarrelle Patterson, rookie wide receiver who set the team record in return yards in his rookie year, and also became the first player since Hall of Fame player Ollie Matson who recorded 3+ rushing touchdowns, 3+ receiving touchdowns, and 2+ kick return touchdowns in their first NFL season. And honestly, that stat doesn't even give Patterson credit, because he pretty much had to do this with only half an NFL season, since Christian Ponder was starting for at least half the year, and Frazier wasn't starting Patterson for half the year either. So Patterson set a bunch of god damn records and looked like a stud, by being held back by idiot coaches and only playing half a year. Uh, yeah, I'd say that's pretty good.
Frazier Already Gone?
Transitioning from rookie sensation Cordarrelle Patterson to moron coaches is perfect, too. Reports surfaced Sunday that the Wilf's were prepared to let Frazier go as early as Monday (today!), because they were ready to go in a different direction. By the time you're reading this, Frazier may already have his walking papers, and the Vikings may already be scrambling for their next head coach. Personally, I'm not 100% sold that Frazier needs to be fired, and apparently neither are several Vikings players. I think you can make an argument either way. I mean, on one hand, Frazier – ever since he became the head coach – has always wanted to win now, at the detriment of the team at times. He played Donovan McNabb for pretty much half a year, until the team was dead in the water, and then did the same thing by withholding Cordarrelle Patterson, and the other rookies this year. He's also been fairly terrible at clock management, coaching staff hires (Alan Williams? Are you shitting me?), and managing volatile personalities (Percy Harvin?). On the other hand, I like that he's not a loud-mouth, abrasive asshole on the sidelines like the Harbaugh's are, and the fact that his teams have played hard for him late in the year for two years when the team's have sucked says a lot. He also has a pretty decent December record, but when having a winning and losing season.
It's a tough call. My impression is Frazier will get fired and Rick Spielman will stick around, which is my least favorite option. I think you fire both or neither. Spielman doesn't give me much confidence either, and a conversation about him will be a different story, but it's clear the Vikings are ready to move on to a franchise coach to bring in their new stadium, and that guy won't be Frazier. As is, god speed, Big Leslie. You were the coolest cucumber since Denny Green.
We won another game, and dropped further in draft rankings. It seems like it was months ago already when we were being tantalized by the potential of a number one draft pick. As is, we are now locked into the number eight draft pick. It's just outrageous. Were ANY of these wins worth it? Do you really feel like you stuck it to the Steelers, Redskins, Bears, Eagles, and Lions? You really feel great about any of these? That the season was worth it because of that? I don't. Maybe if we beat the Packers instead of actually tied them, or took the Cowboys or Seahawks behind the wood shed. I hate those teams. The rest of these losers? Whatever. And because of it, we're now stuck behind quarterback hungry teams like the Texans, Jaguars, Browns, Raiders, Bucs … Oh my god, we're not going to find our franchise quarterback now. HOPE EVERYONE IS HAPPY. WE'RE GOING TO END UP WITH JADEVEON CLOWNEY WHO HAS ONLY HAD ONE SPORTSCENTER TOP 10 TACKLE IN HIS CAREER AND PEOPLE CREAMED THEIR PANTS BECAUSE OF IT. LOOKING FORWARD TO DRAFTING YOU, ERASMUS CLOWNEY. This team is so frustrating.
Nipples and Notes
What other bullshit was put to rest with this merciful seppuku? Let's dig in:
– Does Matt Asiata have a future with this team? Will he be Peterson's main back up next year? There's nothing particularly sexy about him at running back. I've rarely seen a run from him that made me drop trou and smile. But he somehow had over 100 yards this game despite falling down behind the line of scrimmage every time I watched him. I still think we need a better scat back to compliment Peterson, so maybe we'll grab someone in the draft. But Asiata will likely play a bigger roll next year.
– Shaun Prater had a terrible, awful, no-good, very bad day. His lining up offsides on the Lions field goal attempt and then getting toasted on a long pass a little later was about as ugly of a sequence as we saw from anyone this year, aside from AJ Jefferson.
– All of the reminiscing and soliloquy spouted from former Vikings players and franchise reps during the "Last game at the Metrodome" was such a load of shit. Stop acting like the Dome was some Roman Colosseum. The Vikings had like three good teams during the whole time they played there. It wasn't that great of times, OK?
– Think that was the last game we see a lot of players as Vikings? Kevin Williams, Jared Allen, Everson Griffen, Chris Cook, Jerome Simpson … Probably more. I'll miss KWill the most. HOPE YOU RETURN BIG GUY!
– Cordarrelle Patterson caught the last touchdown scored in the Metrodome. Remember that. Good bit of trivia.
– Fans were stealing cup holders and chairs and all sorts of other shit from the Metrodome after the game. In theory, I get it. You want to take something from there to remember the facility by, for some disturbed reason. On the other hand, honestly, what are you ever going to do with a Metrodome cup holder, you f*cking idiot.
– Can we leave Ragnar at the Dome? That is the worst team mascot ever. I hate that guy.
Lions versus Vikes?
No one wants to watch this crap.
Let's just flip a coin.
We made it, everyone! The long national nightmare is over! Now we start preparing for the drat, and build on hope instead of objective terribleness. Looking forward to it.