Monkeys Herding Vikings
Heading into halftime, the Vikings were *only* down 28-7 to the 10-5 Bengals. They had a chance! Maybe we can come back! It'll be sweet! We will make half time adjustments! We got them right where we want them! But then The Bengals scored four more unanswered touchdowns and it was pretty obvious that this was a total anal fisting by Cincinnati. However, if the TV cameras would have stuck around during halftime (who knows, maybe they did, I barely watched this cry for help), we all would have known how ugly this game would have been then. Because the most entertaining thing that happened the entire day was monkey's in Bengals jerseys riding the backs of dogs and herding sheep.
Yeah. That happened. And so did one more dagger into the hearts of Vikings fans everywhere, as this franchise continues to sink deeper into their quick sand muck as they ask you to keep spending money on a lost season. THANKS GUYS!
Mushroom Stamp of Disapproval
Take a dig through the play by play yesterday and you see one name continuing to float to the top … "C. Cook." And it's not because of good references, either. Check: As the first quarter was close to ending, Andy Dalton – a red headed monstrosity – throws a 29-yard pitch and catch over the bloated ego of Chris Cook. Easy stuff. Next, keep your eyes peeled as Dalton throws deep specifically to pick on Cook to something named Sanu, and then watch as Cook forgets how to football, flails around, doing basically everything in his power to hurt Sanu and himself in a fruitless effort to get injured AGAIN so he can collect a pay check without working. Then, yadda yadda ya, more Cook getting scorched, and we cap it off with a one-handed face punch from Green to Cook for another touchdown, and Jesus Christ Chris Cook, you can not get off my team fast enough. So what's the good news out of all of this? Chris Cook is in the final year of his rookie contract! And we probably won't have to bring him back! HURRAY!
Good Lord, NFC North
As bad as the Minnesota Vikings are this year, we are pretty much all in agreement that if we would have started Cassel all season long, and cut Cook instead of Winfield, we probably would have won this division, right? I mean, assuming Rodgers still gets hurt, and the Packers are idiots for not starting him two weeks ago, and the Lions kept on Lioning like normal, and the Bears cried through the final year of Jay Cutler too … We totally could have been a playoff team at 8-8. Shit, maybe even at 7-8-1. That may be how the Packers make the playoffs if they beat the Bears next weekend. Can you imagine? We totally could have beat Chicago week 2, Cleveland week 3, Dallas week 9, and …. Well … Hmmm … There's still the problem with that defense … Alright, listen, we still suck either way, but my god, the NFC North is awful. We should have no problem drafting strong again and coming back and kicking some ass next year because of this garbage division. Thanks for sucking, everyone.
The GOOD news here is that we pretty much know that we can't draft any lower than spot number nine. The bad news, and everything else associated with that, is that it's draft spot number f*cking nine (we're currently eighth), when we were facing draft spot number TWO just a few weeks ago. How did we fall so far from grace? Well, we beat Philly, which really screwed us. If we wouldn't have beat the Eagles, we'd be sitting in the number three draft spot, FIVE spots better! So, I ask you … Were ANY of these FOUR wins this season worth it? Are you going to look back fondly on any of the games this year and be happy that we dropped five draft spots? Because the franchise QB that was within our grasps is TOTALLY worth one win in a year that sucked, right? "But franchise quarterbacks are found in any round! Look at Tom Brady again herp derp! Russel Wilson in the third round! Jamarcus Russel sure panned out, moran!" I swear to god, if you idiots make that argument one more time in this day and age of advanced stats, I'm going to come bury you. Enjoy your ninth pick.
Nipples and Notes
UGH. What other crap happened in this game?
– Cordarrelle Patterson continues to be amaze balls. He was pretty much the ONLY form of offense for the Vikings this game. Shit, he pretty much WAS the Vikings this game, between his offensive game and his return game. He led the team in rushing, led the team in pass targets (Only had 8 yards … But the threat was there!), and had 143 yards in kick return. He put the team in GREAT field position several times, which the team then decided to piss away. But boy, he keeps looking better and better. I can't wait until we get a coach who knows how to use him.
– I know Adrian Peterson was all pissy about wanting to play again this season after being shut down last game, but, man, please, it ain't worth it. Rest your body, stick a finger to the coaches who rode your coat tails for the last three years, and let's move on to something better. OK? Please?
– The stats say the Greg Jennings had four receptions, but I don't remember seeing him at all. Unless he was getting a pass thrown his way which was subsequently intercepted.
– Joe Banyard was activated? OK.
– Matt Cassel threw for 114 yards and three interceptions. Probably should have just sent Ponder out there and saved Cassel's psyche.
– Shaun Prater was asked to play more than Chris Cook, because Chris Cook sucks. Think about that.
– Watching that interception that landed in Iloka's lap that was suppose to be for Jerome Simpson, all the announcers and twitter people were like "Ohhh! You've never seen a crazy interception / catch!" And I kept thinking to myself? "What are you talking about? That was all too familiar."
Please End This Haiku
"I've got one chance left …
Beat the fading Bengals, and …
Wait, that's the score? Fired."
Alright, we have one final dog humping to get through until this nightmare is over. We'll prep you for it Friday, but otherwise it will be a bit sparse this week, as I imagine most people will be spending time with their family … Or maybe trying to find ways to get AWAY from their family. Either way, we'll have a couple of holiday surprises for you here, so be on the look until. Otherwise, just make it through to this final game and everything will be alright, I promise.