Blow the Place Up
Seriously, call it a day. Forfeit the rest of the season (or at least the final game of the season at home against the Lions), and call it the end of the era, because I don't know if the Vikings will ever be able to that win in the Metrodome. In a season that was already lost, the Vikings decided to sit Adrian Peterson, Toby Gerhart, Chris Cook, and Xavier Rhodes, their former starter Christian Ponder, and probably had a bunch of other scrubs playing too, and decided that they wanted to beat a division leader by butt bumping 48 points on them? The most points the Vikings have scored in 15 years? What the hell is going on? They couldn't do that garbage in a serious game even if they tried. And because of that, the unlikelihood of this JV team pulling things together and face-punching a win, I implore then to just consider this as their last game of the year. Call it a day, go home, and start planning for next season. Stop screwing up draft position, head into next year with a positive note, and blow the hell out of the Dome.
Wouldn't that be perfect? Because there's no way they top Sunday. And please, Vikings, don't prove me wrong. We still need to draft a franchise quarterback, OK?
Mushroom Stamp of Approval
I don't think it's quite true, but this had to at least FEEL like a career day for Matty Cass. 26/35, 382 yards, two touchdowns (one interception), 116.6 QB rating, 3 carries, 19 yards, and a rushing touchdown, all while playing behind our weak ass offensive line and handing the ball off to a guy who averaged 1.7 yards per carry on Sunday … Pretty safe to say Cassel was the "King of the Castle" (nailed it) on Sunday, without question. Think Ponder makes most of those throws? Of course not. Think Joe Webb does? McLeod Bethel-Thompson? Josh Freeman, for God's sake? Matt Cassel isn't even a good quarterback. he's FINE. That's how bad our quarterback situation has been in our franchise history. And yet, here we are, fist pumping to Matt Cassel deep throws. God, we need a quarterback. But still, thanks Matt. Your wife must be proud!
Cordarrelle Be All Like
How good did Cordarrelle Patterson look on Sunday? His mere presence gave the Vikings advantageous field position all game long. He's like a cooler Devin Hester! His end around was the best, too. I really, really, really, really, really wanted to see him throw it on that play, but when he got bottled up on the right side, peeled back to the left, and still got a first down? GET OUT. YOU'RE SO COOL. Would I still rather have Percy Harvin? Tough question. The answer is no longer if I'd take Percy OVER Cordarrelle, it's more like, I just wish we had them both (along with every other awesome player in the NFL), but that's not realistic.
And speaking of Cordarrelle, the rest of our receivers actually looked competent when they had an average quarterback throwing to them. Jennings with 163 yards? Jarius Wright with a career high of 95? Who the what is Chase Ford? COOL. I'll take it. Thanks again, Matt Cassel.
Let's talk about the serious stuff here though. On Sunday, the Vikings got their 4th win of the season. COOL. What does that do for them? Well, nothing in 2013. Really. Absolutely nothing. We have four wins now. Everyone feel pretty good about that? When it's next summer and we're reflecting about 2013, are you going to be saying "Oh, that was a fun season because we beat the Eagles once and Chicago in overtime. I will hold onto those memories for the rest of my life!" No, you will say "2013 sucked. We sucked, we got our ass kicked, everything was awful." So I hope you're all happy. Here's what the real situation is, though. With our 4th win of the year, we have gone from picking THIRD in the 2014 NFL draft to picking EIGHTH. We dropped five places. Worth it? Feel pretty good about everything? Because I don't. I stopped giving a shit about this season MONTHS ago, already looking forward to the draft. And now this. We have the Bucs, the Browns, the Raiders, the Jags, and the Texans all in front of us, all of whom would likely snag our franchise quarterback. EVERYTHING SUCKS, WE CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT. OK, I'm done.
Nipples and Notes
What else happened in this points-splosion? Let's find out!
– People wanna be talking about Matt Asiata like he was a great keep on the roster, maybe a potential dude to back up Peterson after Gerhart leaves, and whatever else. Let's slow your tits on that one. He scored 3 TDs on 30 carries, but averaged 1.7 yards per carry. Good for him in his first real NFL game, proud of that guy, like him better than Ponder already, but let's not go overboard here. Not exactly the main man I want backing up Peterson, OK?
– Did Jerome Simpson die on a play? Pretty sure he did. After he caught his one pass over the middle for 19 yards, he got blasted harder than a freshman mixer. He tried to get up and do his little first down signal, but I'm pretty sure he threw up in his helmet first and almost fell over. Major props to him still, though. He got the signal off!
– Watching Greg Jennings play with a half way decent quarterback is a revelation. His deep ball was outstanding, by all parties, and I applauded admirably.
– So Shaun Prater is a thing, and he had an interception. I don't know where we go from here, honestly.
– And speaking of the defensive backfield, I'm surprised they didn't go face-down ass-up as quickly as I thought they would. There were no major melt downs, no complete implosions, just minor leaks that were shored up, or likely stomped out because Cassel kept the offense moving. I would guess it was largely because the defensive front played better too, though, so that helps out a lot.
– Harrison Smith and his penchant for going shirtless, and tight ass, were back on the field. He didn't actually look that good – a bit slow and out of synch, which is to be expected after being out for so long – but it's not like that really matters when you're Harrison Smith, so shut up.
Haiku For You
"Skol, Vikes! Play good ball!
If not, will you vouch for me?
My leash is this short."
And you know what? This game wasn't even the biggest news from the Vikings the entire day. Between reports of Leslie Frazier and Christian Ponder getting the boot after the season, when the Metrodome is shutting down, that Rick Spielman WILL likely be returning (wat?), Culpepper getting his roll on in the Metrodome again, the Vikings reaching out to Bill O'Brien to be their next head coach … There was WAY cooler stuff going on Sunday. We'll recap that throughout the week, before we dive into next week's game against a flaccid Bengals team, where we'll likely drop further down the draft rankings with another improbable win. DAMMIT!