So, a Tie Happened
I have been trying to think of what my emotions are after the Minnesota Vikings and the Green Bay Packers ended up tying on Sunday afternoon, 26 all.
On one hand, I'm just furious. A tie is just as bad as winning at this point in the year, because draft positioning is largely determined by your loss record, not your win record. Think about a playoff scenario. When a team is 9-6-1, they get to sneak into the playoffs over someone who is 9-7 because they haven't lost as many games. It's stupid, but, whatever. A tie would be totally sweet if we were actually playing for something this season, but we're not. Instead, a tie just tickles our prostate and lets other teams be "worse" than us by a technicality. And when we look at our draft watch today, you'll know why, and just how close the Vikings were to locking up the number one pick in 2014.
HOWEVER …….. Boy, when the Packers tie the Vikings in a season like this? That's when you know those guys suck! And it's laughable, and hilarious, and makes me want to wiggle by crotch area in their faces and call them all a bunch of hooker prostitutes. Stupid Packer fans. Eat a bowl of poop, seriously. Without Aaron Rodgers, a questionably heterosexual quarterback, the jack offs in green are no better than a Christian Ponder-led Vikings team. That's …. awful.
But still. What the hell. I'd still have rather lost at this point, but we didn't win either and … I don't know what's even going on anymore.
Mushroom Stamp of … Indifference?
I don't know how to award this week's Mushroom Stamp. I never created "tie" rules for a scenario like this, and so don't really know how to respond. Do I pick the guy that did nothing? That was exceptionally mediocre? Disappointedly good? What's the take? I ultimately decided to go the route of "Exceptionally Mediocre" since we all need a little pick me up during this season. In that case, former no-name tight end who started playing since Kyle Rudolph went down with injury, Chase Ford, gets the stamp this week. He had one catch for 20 yards, and a career of two receptions for 13 yards. Amazingly non-descript, indifferent, unremarkable, and blase. The perfect Minnesota Viking stamp for 2013! *fart noise*
So here's the real problem, and Imma need to go off for a second. I listened to part of the game on the radio, having to suffer through Paul Allen and Pete Bercich jerking each other off as they thought the Vikings defense would hold heading into the fourth quarter. At some point, the conversation was brought up about what Bercich's take is on the whole "tanking for draft picks" scenario. Bercich essentially scoffed at the idea, with his argument – honestly – being that players don't think about that stuff when they're on the field playing on Sundays, and that no draft pick is a sure fire thing in the NFL, so why try to position for one?
If I may, that is the dumbest shit I have ever heard. No sure fire bet picks in the NFL? So you don't think if we wouldn't have won that crap ass game against the Redskins several years ago and been able to draft RGIII instead of sticking with Ponder that we wouldn't be a better team? You don't think Andrew Luck was an obvious pick? Do you not f*cking realize how franchise-changing a first pick can be in ANY major league sport? What the hell. Bercich used his argument that "Well, Seattle ended up with a Pro Bowl quarterback in the 3rd round in Russell Wilson, and you're going to tell me everyone saw that coming?" YES, OF COURSE, IF YOU WATCHED LIKE 10 MINUTES OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL YOU'D REALIZE WILSON WAS A GOOD F*CKING QUARTERBACK PRETTY F*CKING QUICK. Jesus Christ, picking good football players and avoiding shitty ones isn't that hard.
Bercich also called fans who cheer for losses at any point in the season to secure draft picks as succumbing to a "loser's mentality." That's a load of shit, too. I say any moron Vikings fan that is willing to sign up for 3-4 hours of feeling good about their crappy 2-8-1 football team instead of accepting that loss and looking forward to a decade of dominance with a serious franchise quarterback is a huge f*cking loser themselves, and a selfish asshole. Stop thinking about your 3 hours of game time, and start thinking about your child's FUTURE and their Vikings team winning Super Bowls. But no, now that we have a tie and got dropped even as little as THREE F*CKING SPOTS, we screwed up everything. OH, GREAT, BUT AT LEAST WE GOT TO WATCH 4 HOURS OF FOOTBALL WHERE THE TEAMS TIED, HOW GRAND. Idiots.
Point being, the Vikings just f*cked themselves this weekend, big time. A tie was just as detrimental as a win, honestly, as far as draft rankings go. Because the unthinkable happened on Sunday, as the Jaguars beat the Texans, moving both teams to 2-9, and Tampa Bay beat the Lions, moving them to 3-8. BUT GUESS WHAT? SINCE THE VIKINGS HAVE A TIE ON THEIR RECORD, WE'RE NOT RANKED AS HIGH. You screwed us, Vikings fans, and I blame all of you for cheering this shit team on. Thanks for nothing.
Nipples and Notes
What else could have gone wrong? Let's find out:
– Thanks for showing up big in your return to Lambeau, Greg Jennings! Although I can't blame you. I'd be pretty checked out from this team if I were you, too.
– Toby Gerhart sure helped to get his next contract. Think of how fresh his legs are for his next team! Good for you, fat head!
– That Cordarrelle Patterson missed touchdown pass in the back of the endzone was both exhilarating and terrifying. In any other season, what if he would have caught that and we would have won? Holy shit, that would have been sweet. What a throw a catch. But this season? Would have been devastating. Instead, it was a rollercoaster of emotions of "OH GOD, DON'T CATCH THAT ohthankgodhedidn't." Crazy.
– Ponder was wonderfully mediocre for a wonderfully mediocre display of football today. Why can't that guy be gone already?
– So Audie Cole led the team in tackles? 13 total, 11 solo, 1 sack, 2 tackles for loss, 3 QB hits. Atta boy, always knew he had it in him. AUDIESEL! Think Erin Henderson ever gets his job back? Better question, was Cole actually that good? I wasn't really paying attention.
– I can't believe that AJ Hawk is playing half way decent this year. That guy is such an asshole.
– This game sucked. That is noteworthy.
Uh, Whatever Haiku
"Scott, I got bad news.
The Vikings suck. And you're benched.
That means that you suck."
Well, just great. If the rest of the NFC North keeps their flatulence up for another two weeks, some jerk dick is going to start thinking that the Vikings might have a chance to sneak back into the playoff race, and that will just make me furious. Hopefully it doesn't come to that, as hopefully the Bears punch our dicks next weekend. But … God, who knows at this point. Whatever. You already screwed us Vikings, thanks a bunch.