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Onion Report: Adrian Peterson’s Boyfriend Can Take a Hint, OK?

Adrian Peterson Smiling

On the heels of the recent quote from Minnesota Vikings star running back Adrian Peterson, in which he said he's "not with" gay marriage, the bastion of factual news reporting, The Onion, was finally able to track down a quote from Peterson's boyfriend. And what does he think about the running back's stance against gay marriage?

"I can take a hint."

An amazing exclusive, as I doubt anyone actually had any IDEA that Adrian Peterson even HAD a boyfriend, The Onion was able to track down this man, Scott Oakes, and hear his opinion on the matter. The Onion blurb reads as follows:

Responding to Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson publicly asserting his firm opposition to gay marriage, the reigning MVP’s longtime boyfriend Scott Oakes told reporters Tuesday that he “can take a hint” and now understands that the athlete isn’t interested in marrying him. “All right, Adrian, I get the message loud and clear,” said Oakes, noting that Peterson’s stated position that gay marriage is “not something [he believes] in” perfectly explained why his lover had yet to pop the question at any point in their three-year relationship. “He can’t see himself being with me in the long term? That’s fine, but if that’s how he feels, he should have had the guts to tell me directly rather than letting it slip out in some radio interview. I’m not with that.” Oakes added that, with Peterson now out of the picture, he was considering trying to patch things up with his former flame, Miami Dolphins wide receiver Mike Wallace.

Well, we all know Mike Wallace will welcome Mr. Oakes back with open legs arms.

Regardless, this news is quite shocking when you consider the following items:

– Adrian Peterson has frequently been seen with a STUNNING girlfriend named Ashley Brown. Thoughts of him having a boyfriend were never even considered.

– Uh, as the son of God and everything, yeah … He's got some explaining to do.

– Scott Oakes? Of all the gay guys a star running back would potentially hook up with he'd land for the one called "Scott Oakes"? May as well just hold hands with Mark McGrath.

– I think we all know why Chris Kluwe left the Vikings now. He was frustrated by Peterson's continual rebuffs against him when he knew he was with dirtbag Oakes. I'd leave too! Not that there'd be anything wrong with that.

– If any NFC North player was going to be outed as being gay, I mean come on, Aaron Rodgers?! How was he not first?!

The Onion always tells the truth, because they're such a reliable source of information, so we should all take this as probably 100% factual. And if you do, I also don't have any hope for you or your offspring.

Just kidding everyone. To each his own, so says our Lord, Purple Jesus. Amen.


About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.