Welcome to another edition of "Acting Cordial," where we preview the upcoming Minnesota Vikings game with some ass hats from the opposing team. Since this week is HATE HATE HATE Week, we get served up a heaping platter of suck because we end up talking to football fans from Wisconsin. OH GOD, MY EYES. I'd tell you that we just emailed questions and answers back and forth to each other, but none of you would believe there is internet access (or that there SHOULD be internet access) in the hate state of Wisconsin, and you'd be right. This dick nose wrote this answers in and mailed them to me. In crayon. HAHA, TYPICAL PACKER FAN!!
Anyway, read on to see what we had to say in our conversation with Total Packers. We also answered a bunch of questions over on their site, so stop by there soon to check those out, too. Until then, try to contain your excitement before you jump into the comments and call this sausage lover out on his buffoonery.
Purple Jesus Diaries: It's the annual trek west for your testicle chins from cheese land! How excited are you to come to the BIG CITY and pay exorbitant amount of taxes on food and lodging to help pay for a new stadium you manatees will undoubtedly take over once per year when it's built? Glad we're sticking around with the new stadium?
Total Packers: Yeah, the new Hormel Chili Dome is going to be awesome. I see they're already cutting back on features. You know, if you guys could actually afford tickets to watch your beloved team, then you wouldn't have this problem. And yeah, I'm glad you're sticking around. We need somewhere to direct our hatred. It surely wasn't going to be at the Los Angeles Vikings.
PJD: How many receivers does Aaron Rodgers have available to toss his balls too, and how many receivers does Rodgers have available to actually play football with this weekend? And why is one of them always white? Are you racists? You are, right? It's the only explanation for everything.
TP: Probably just Jordy Nelson, Jarrett Boykin and Myles White. James Jones doesn't sound like he's playing this week. If only we still had Greg Jennings. He could totally be our No. 4 receiver on Sunday. Maybe. And white receivers? It's a Green Bay tradition! You must remember the awesome flowing mullet of Jeff Query, the drunken antics of Max McGee and the all-time greaty-ness of Don Hutson. White receivers are fucking awesome!
PJD: When you look at the Vikings secondary (I doubt you have, because why would you pay us any attention if you were a good football team?), how enchanted are you? Is it like a Christmas-come-early situation? Do you think Rodgers will throw for MORE or LESS than 375 yards, with 250 of them targeted against our "DB" Josh Robinson? Make sure you start him in fantasy football!
TP: You're right. Without Harrison Smith I like nothing about your secondary. I see your starting cornerbacks have combined for two career interceptions. Impressive. Still, Rodgers won't throw for more than 375. Too many injuries at receiver and tight end and the Packers are much more balanced with Eddie Lacy.
PJD: Pretend that the Packers have a weakness on the team that the Vikings could exploit. HAHAHAHAHAHA!! I know, I know … But, bear with me. Assuming this was a real thing, what would that weakness be, and how would the Vikings handle it? Does your offensive line suck this year, by chance? Hopefully?
TP: It's right tackle Don Barclay. The Packers line is solid in the run game, but they give up too many sacks. Barclay is the leading culprit. I'd line one of those long-haired rednecks you have up across from Barclay and let him go nuts. One of those asshats will wind up with three sacks. The secondary is also prone to giving up the big play, but… Christian Ponder. So I'm not too worried about that this week. Man, Christian Ponder was an awesome draft pick. First-round talent for sure!
PJD: What Vikings player currently on the roster is your least favorite? The one you think is a cheating, stupid asshole, that you kind of wish gets injured every time you play them. Which player do you begrudgingly appreciate? If you say anyone but Adrian Peterson, I'll nuke your state.
TP: I have to pick just one? I can't. It's a three-way tie between Greg Jennings, Jared Allen and Brian Robinson. Between the three of them, they lead the league in verbal vomit and stupid-looking haircuts. And yeah, Adrian Peterson for the latter. He's pretty good. It's a shame he plays for the Vikings.
PJD: I do enjoy a nice Leinenkugel on occasion. Sam Adam's is better, however. Also, why does Leinenkugel sound like a German word for "Small Vagina Workouts"?
TP: You're thinking of Kegel exercises, which makes me thirsty for a Summer Shandy. (Ed. Note – I knew what I wrote, moron. That was the joke.)
PJD: I don't know, want to make a prediction on this game? I saw an early line that said the Packers were only favored by 6, which is just outrageous. I would have bet my house on that number. How comfortable are you in saying they'll have a 21 point win?
TP: I'm not comfortable at all. We've got four big-time players out — James Jones, Randall Cobb, Jermichael Finley and Clay Matthews. The Packers M.O. is to play three strong quarters and then fade in the fourth. Although, I think just about any Packers' lead is safe with Christian Ponder at the helm. Still, it's a division game and I imagine someone over there must have a shred of pride left. Right?
Packers 27, Vikings 17
God dammit, this doofus makes me so mad. Let's ream him – and any and all things from Wisconsin – in the comments. I WISH WE HAD A QUARTERBACK AND A DEFENSE SO WE COULD BEAT THESE GOONS, MOTHER EFF.
Thanks, I guess, to Total Packers.