vikings ravens

Masturbatory Game 13 Preview: The Team That Should Have Been

FINALLY Your Minnesota Vikings

You know, it feels like it BARELY took 13 games to get to this point, but this weekend it feels like we're finally getting to see the 2013 Vikings that were supposed to be. We will have a half-way competent quarterback starting in Matt Cassel, Audie Cole playing solid up the middle at middle linebacker, no AJ Jefferson on the team … It's like a whole new squad of not-assholes out there, and it's ALMOST exciting, if we wouldn't have already pissed this season down our inner, milky thighs. Alas … We got a lot of urine pooling around our feet right now.

Either way, you know when the Vikings go on the road, play outdoors, in cold weather, on real grass, that it's like an automatic loss anyway, so no need to get too excited here, folks, move along, move along, it's just Vikings football.

Vikings Ravens 2005

My Ravens Game Memory

The last time I think the Vikings played against the Ravens in Baltimore was all the way back in 2005. I remember that game because it was Christmas Day, and I was drinking heavily by a fireplace that was causing me to sweat profusely because I was also wearing a heavy sweater. If you recall, we also sucked big early that season, starting 2-5 before we turned it on and won six games in a row, which led everyone to think we were some hot shit that was going to take the league by storm, because we had Brad Johnson filling in for a dead Daunte Culpepper career. Then, the Steelers game on a Sunday night prime time game, waxes our ass in military fashion, and then we were sent to Baltimore to get further exposed, and then Mike Tice got fired. So there was that. It was pretty exciting. I just remember being flabbergasted, drunk, and super sweaty, and I hated every moment of that game. Stupid Ravens.

Texans Jaguars 2013

Don't Mess This Up, Vikings

Oh, did you happen to take a look at the game that happened in the NFL last night? It was between the Texans and the Jaguars, two teams that somehow suck worse than the Vikings. Well, correction. Two teams that DID suck worse than the Vikings. Now only the Texans are worse between those two, as the Jaguars won and got to four wins on the season, and SON OF A BITCH WHY ARE WE WINNING MEANINGLESS GAMES?! Listen, it's fantastic that the Jags won. They really need to have more notches in the win column than we do at the end of the season, because they are going to be a huge competitor for quarterback. Other bad teams like the Falcons, and Texans, I'm less sure. Texans could take Clowney and pair with JJ Watt, Falcons could go defense, and BOOM! We have first pick of quarterback. IF WE DON'T WIN MORE GAMES. Like this weekend. On paper, we should totally lose this game, ipso facto, in reality, we should also probably lose this game. Just do the right thing, dammit.

50 shades of doge

Meme of the Week

This doesn't relate to anything, and is a bit of a departure from our weekly Spider Man meme, but I just love this DOGE meme so much, I don't care. SUCH KINK! Just like the Vikings offense, right?

benriach heart of speyside

Scotch of the Week

Here's a "recommendation" for you this week. I randomly bought a bottle of BenRiach "Heart of Speyside" recently. It was relatively cheap, and from Speyside, so I figured I would drink the hell out of it and get wasted. That did KIND of happen, but it's not actually that great. It's fine, don't get me wrong, it's just not very complex. Meaning, it's fairly light and "fresh" so to speak, with easy nose notes like honey, hay, and a bit of spice. It will taste pretty smooth, and fairly Lady Marmalade. There is a veeerrrrryy simple layer of peat somewhere in there, more earthy than smoky, but it won't knock you out by any means. It also finishes pretty light and fast, without lingering too much, and personally, makes me feel like I'm missing out on something. I like my scotch to moreso tell me "OH HELL YEAH, YOU JUST DRANK ME" and stick around for a bit. You can sip it better that way. This "Heart of Speyside"? Not so much. But, if you're looking to get into a scotch that's cheap and drinkable, you could do a lot worse.

Shirtless Harrison Smith

Shirtless Viking of the Week

I think we can all agree that the only thing that would make this weekend better would be if Harrison Smith emerged from the tunnel in a cloud of smoke, sans shirt, and played defense LIKE A BOSS for the Vikings. Look at his forearms. How does that even happen? That's just weird. Popeye or some shit. And why is he working out in a Dolphin's gym? Harrison, you are such a mystery man.

Adrian Peterson Ravens

Bold and Sassy Predictions

Well, if we knew what was good for us, we'd lose this game without question. However, I'm concerned that the team is turning things around a little bit, and may put up a pretty decent fight. Now, when I say "turn things around" I mean the team may start playing poorly instead of "War Time Disaster" style. We're still a bad team this year, and not much can change that. But holy crap, the Ravens pretty much suck butt too. I see things going down only one of two ways:

1. Joe Flacco comes out and looks like his Super Bowl winning self, finding his mojo for one game and pimp slapping the Vikings because we have a tendency to make garbage quarterbacks look very good. Offense can't get much going until late because Musgrave can't call plays.


2. Flacco is 2013 Flacco, defense actually plays middling, offense has nice balance and surprises Ravens strong run defense by throwing to set up the run early, and we go back and forth all game, either winning close or losing close.

Clearly, I'm hoping for number one for draft positioning, but I will freely admit that scenario number two will be pretty damn entertaining. Either way, we'll see the Vikings screw something up, I'm sure, and then continue to count down the days until Chris Cook is off the team. BRILLIANT!

Enjoy the game folks.


About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.