Hey there, randy readers. Thanks for stopping by to get your shaft wet this Valentine's Day. If you purposefully choose to visit Purple Jesus Diaries today because you knew you had to perform later tonight and needed your mojo in high order for the midnight hour, well … You're in luck. We're bringing out the anal beads for this special occasion, and are glad you stopped by.
Today's theme is simple: Hop on to a recent Twitter hashtag meme (#CandyHeartRejects) and turn it around to some Minnesota Vikings player fun. While 4 year old Percy Harvin and I certainly wish you a happy Valentine's Day today, we also want to remind you that it's not all romance and roses. Don't forget to pull some hair, bite a nipple, lick a butthole, all the usual stuff. Show someone you REALLY love them, you know? By zip tying her wrists together.
Anyway, let's have some fun today and talk about dirty stuff. Join us in the comments with your ideas about rejected candy hearts from Vikings players, and we'll get you started with some of our own here, after the jump:
For the purpose of this exercise, we present to you TOTALLY REAL (*fake) submissions to the Candy Heart Company (is that an LLC?) that were made by Vikings players who were hoping to do something unique for their Valentine. As you can see, all of these were rejected, but that doesn't mean some of them weren't smart as hell. If we missed any, let us know in the comments:
Adrian Peterson: IMMACULATE CONCEPTION?
Percy Harvin: UR SMOKIN'
Toby Gerhart: DO SEX NOW?
Christian Ponder: TAKE IT OFF
Chris Cook: DON'T MAKE ME
Harrison Smith: BUMPIN UGLIES
Leslie Frazier: MISSIONARY AUDIBLE
Jared Allen: INTO BONDAGE
Everson Griffen: LETS GET MAGICAL
Chad Greenway: WHITE SEX
Mistral Raymond: FOAM PARTY?
Bill Musgrave: FOURTH & LONG
Blair Walsh: LITTLE BIG 3RD LEG
Chris Kluwe: CROTCH PUNTS
VIKTOR the VIKING: <3 U MORE THAN COKE
Ragnar: HOBO NUZZLES
Zygi: A SINGLE ROSE
Brett Favre: DICK PICS?
John David Booty: U GET ME HIGH
Let us know if we missed any in the comments. Have a great day, folks. Pleasure yourself, or pleasure someone else, or do both at the same time. Let's win this day. Now I leave you with a reminder that I'm going to hell:
Happy Valentine's Day!