An Ode to Chris Kluwe

In an attempt to rid the team of every player I care about (Run, Purple Jesus, get away while you can!), the Minnesota Vikings released Chris Kluwe, the 31 year old punter that was heading into his ninth year, who transcended what football to live among the clouds of AWESOME. Maybe it's a good thing he's cut from the team. The Vikings are turning into such a boring group of cold potatoes that Kluwe's "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" references are wasted on our backwoods denizen fans, and the soulless, faceless entity now in front of you more accurately represents the franchise, the NFL, and the bland brand of sport they offer. Exciting stuff!

Also, anyone who bothers to get up in arms to go OUT OF THEIR WAY, and make sure everyone knows Kluwe was TOTALLY RELEASED because of football reasons, which are PERFECTLY LEGITIMATE, is pretty much just confirming the elephant in the room and are being lustful cock monsters. Just like Frank Fitts in American Beauty.

Anyway. The Vikings are going through a youth movement, blah blah, they wanted a cheaper kicker, words go here, go fuck yourself Vikings, you've successfully rid yourself of the last remaining players I want to cheer for (outside of your heavenly running back, obviously). Hopefully Kluwe signs with Seattle so my team allegiance switch will go smoothly!

So we bid adieu, sweet prince, and write you a parting ode via haiku:

Chris Kluwe Charm Spell

With erotic flowing locks,
You brought sunshine north.

Ball management skills,
Evident from rookie year,
On field work good too.

With purple and gold,
Your kicks would bring sweet justice,
To sucky offense.

Rode oft to battle,
Fought Bears, Lions, and Packers,
Devin Hester won.

But not a battle,
Will win a war, said some guy,
Who never punted.

From video games,
Rock bands, to comedy shows,
Your brand knew no bound.

Your fight for the gays,
Was just and proud – Made us all,
A little bit gay?

From Gangnam Style Dance,
To ice cream bets – You're still it …
Best Shirtless Viking.

Adieu Chris, my prince,
May your Warcraft guy be strong,
And thanks for the fish.

RIP Chris Kluwe Vikings


About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.