The post-draft sex glow is all about us as we move into the doldrums of the NFL off-season, but there's still much to talk about with the Vikings 2013 NFL Draft picks. In Purple Jesus Diaries' NFL Draft-or-Bust Off, we review each pick in turn and provide some further amateur insight for you. Previously we looked at Sharrif Floyd, Xavier Rhodes, Cordarrelle Patterson, and Gerald Hodges, and today, we continue with the Vikings fifth round pick, Punter out of UCLA, Jeff Locke …
JEFF LOCKE IS THAT SON OF A BITCH THAT MADE CHRIS KLUWE SIGN WITH THE RAIDERS!
OK, not really. That's Rick Spielman's fault. Jeff Locke is just a punter from UCLA, a basketball school. Of course, everyone's favorite punter Chris Kluwe also came from UCLA, so maybe that means he has good pedigree. Usually, this is the area where I also give you information about a player's measurables. You know, how tall a receiver is, how much weight a linebacker put up, how short Sharrif Floyd's arms are … That sort of thing. But I'm not sure what measurements they use at the combine that give us any insight into punters. Are tall punters better? Does it matter how fast they are? What if they can't jump? I don't know either. Locke kicks footballs, so let's just assume he's decent at that.
I guess he punts left footed. So that's something.
I feel like we have some good options here for Jeff Locke. Personally, I'm leaning towards "Locke and Loaded" right now, but I could also go with "The Philosopher" after the great John Locke, "Locke and Key" which I don't know how that relates to punting, but does include a pun, or "Locke You Like a Hurricane" which is both largely inappropriate after Katrina still, and obviously too long for a nickname. Could potentially be used in a pinch, however. I'll take your suggestions in the comments.
I know nothing about Jeff Locke because, punters. But here's what his CBSSports.com profile said about him leading into the draft:
|Possessing a legitimate NFL frame for the position and a booming leg, Locke certainly looks the part. He's consistently been able to flip the field for the Bruins as a punter, ranking among national leaders in net punting throughout his entire career. The leg strength is perhaps even more noticeable on kickoffs, as he has had 55 touchbacks over his career.|
Um … He kind of looks funny? That's seriously the only thing I can come up with. No one said anything bad, because why were they wasting their time evaluating a punter before the draft? Either he could kick a football or he couldn't. Locke apparently can, so let's roll.
Maybe this is also the best place to add this in. But people will inevitably come out and say stuff like, "Hey! He's a left footed punter! Boy, when left footed punters kick the ball, the spin is so much different than what they're use to, it really creates a moment of pause and puts the punt return team at a disadvantage because weather and aerodynamics and left footedness and …" shut up whore mouth. Many people have gone on record saying (essentially), "It doesn't matter, bird brains. It's still a god damn ball dropping out of the heavens that you're supposed to catch. I don't give two shits which way it's rotating." So this perceived benefit that Locke is bringing by being left footed is dumb, and you should feel bad.
The So What!
OK, first and most obvious, god dammit that we cut Chris Kluwe. And for what? Like a million dollars? What are we even going to do with that money? Sign our 7th round pick that will never play? Exciting! Kluwe was the only entertaining and cheer-worthy player left on this team after Percy and Winfield were let go, and Jared Allen doesn't count because of his reps. Purple Jesus, obviously, but you can't consider a GOD to be your friend. Kluwe totally was, a friend to ALL humans, and a nerd, so that made him one of us. And now the shit face Raiders have him. GOD DAMMIT.
Ahem … In a football sense, whatever, looks like Locke will be sweet. That should be exciting. But read above. The guy has an enormous leg that will make a significant impact on long field goal tries, kickoffs, AND punts. That's great news, since we need help with our kicking game! … Except, oh shit that's right, the Vikings also draft a kicker with a golden leg LAST year, and so Locke will only ever need to be used on actual punts. Meaning, his talents are going to waste and the Vikings now have the most depth at any position on their team at the KICKING positions.
This team sometimes, I swear to God.