The day is finally here, Minnesota Vikings fans! The day you get to spend ogling young men do athletic events for you in tight shorts with rippling muscles! SO MASCULINE!
But really, it's the NFL Draft tonight, and as ridiculous as the event typically is, and as little as I know about any actually prospects this year, it's still the closest thing we're all going to be getting to any football action for the next four months. So savor it. Savor it like it's a fine scotch you have been saving to buy. It's worth every penny.
Most websites are digging deep into draft prospect data, mining minute pieces of information to try and place each player with a team in their mock drafts that always end up looking worse than my NCAA Tournament bracket. I think those people are stupid, and mock drafts are stupid. So I'm not going to sit here today and LIE to you, telling you who I think the Vikings are going to pick, or which sack of meat is going to fit best in a Cover-2 defense and other garbage like that. No sir. Instead, I'm just going to make some straight up predictions on things that simply WILL or WILL NOT happen for the Vikings during this year's draft. Straight forward, cut through the shit, and get you your answers so we can all go to bed and quit talking about it.
Welcome to the Purple Jesus Diaries 2013 NFL Draft-or-Bust Off.
Things That Will Happen
Pretty simple. Here's a list of things that I am like a trillion percent sure WILL happen during the draft this year. Place your bets now, and take home the bank's entire vault. I will not do you wrong:
– Manti Te'o is ending up on this team. Accept this now, weep your tears early, and then when you watch the draft with others you'll have no more moisture to embarrass yourself with.
– Rick Spielman will inevitably pass on an awesome looking prospect because he maybe once peed on his girlfriend in the shower during college or something. Spielman only wants boring, character guys on this team! No one with a personality!
– The Vikings NFL Draft Hat – and all Draft Hats for that matter – will look like hats made of human feces, and they'll try to sell you one on TV. Don't fall for that trap!
– Todd McShay will make me want to punch him in the face at least 37 times throughout the weekend.
– Toby Gerhart will get traded to help us move up in the second round to grab another potentially awesome receiver, and then we'll also draft Rex Burkhead from Nebraska and my boner will put a hole in the roof.
Things That Won't Happen
Likewise, here's a handful of items that I promise you WILL NOT happen at tonight, or throughout the draft. Guaranteed. The writing is on the wall, kids, and it's written in blood and semen:
– Tyrann Mathieu, aka, "The Honey Badger" will definitely not be picked by the Vikings. Do you seriously think otherwise? The guy is a bigger head case than Percy Harvin. We just traded Percy for a bag of Funyons. Now you think they're going to draft Mathieu? Good luck, moron
– The Vikings will not draft a new punter during this draft, because if they do that, I'll have to shut this blog down and create a new one that is full of death threats, and that seems like a poor idea for everyone involved.
– Despite the best laid plans, VIKTOR the VIKING will not get to anally penetrate Roger Goodell on stage while he calls out the Vikings first draft pick. VIKTOR missed his plane, otherwise this totally would have happened.
– The Vikings won't be drafting the wide receiver we want them too, because they never make things easy on themselves. They'll probably go defense-defense in the first round, or even trade up with both picks for another defensive player. It's infuriating.
Things to Drink During the Draft (aka, Scotch of the Week)
Surprise, it's scotch! Since the season ended, I picked up a bottle of Balvenie Caribbean Cask, and it is erotic. It's like sipping on the sweet tunes of Justin Timberlake and D'Angelo, taking each other's shirts off. The scotch is aged for 14 years in a Caribbean rum cask, giving it a bit more of a sweeter, smoother flavor profile. And the Balvenie bottles always look so cool, with a scripted label, weird glass shape, and fancy casing that I seem both rich and like a pirate when I drink it. Totally worth it. Go grab a bottle for yourself.
Things to Look at During the Draft
Tits. You can look at tits. Specifically, the above pair of tits that are wearing an old version of the Minnesota Vikings jersey. UM, LADY, HAVEN'T YOU HEARD?! The Vikings have a new jersey out! Women, am I right?!
Things to Listen to During the Draft (Instead of Chris Berman's Fat Face)
If you haven't been listening to the new Daft Punk song, "Get Lucky" on repeat for the last week, I want to fight your and all your children in a "Losers Die" battle royale. Get your shit together and listen to this.
Things to Do During the Draft
Keep coming back to PJD throughout the weekend for live chats in the comments and player reviews that probably actually won't get posted until Monday, because like hell if I'm going to work over the weekend. We'll have a draft thread up around 6:00 PM tonight and first round analysis on Friday. Come join the fun, and let's just hope we don't re-draft Troy Williamson!
Enjoy the draft, everybody.