If you ask any Vikings fan, all they want for Christmas is a Vikings playoff push. Unfortunately, they're more likely to get a helmet full of 2009 NFC Championship losses, or the entire 2011 Vikings season on grainy DVD. We've all been very bad fans.
But just because you're not going to get EXACTLY what you want on Christmas (or Chanukah … They have like 12 Christmases, right?) doesn't mean you shouldn't be in the holiday spirit. Just take a look at the following Vikings players, for example. They've known for WEEKS that they weren't going to make the playoffs, but that hasn't prevented them from sharing with Purple Jesus Diaries their most favorite Christmas songs of all time.
So read on as we highlight five Vikings players and their (most likely) selection for favorite Christmas songs. Did we make this all up? Maybe! But it makes so much sense I don't see how they can't be true.
Toby Gerhart Likes … "White Christmas" by Bing Crosby
This is probably an easy suggestion. When you think of classic, Anglo-Saxon, white person Christmas music, what comes to mind? Bing Crosby, first of all, and of course the classic movie AND song "White Christmas." And who better to adopt this as their Christmas song of choice than the whitest person on the team in Toby Gerhart? It makes too much sense. Clearly, he sings this one in the shower on Christmas day, and also plays it in the background of his home while he and his family open presents while wearing Christmas sweaters and eating Spritz cookies. … I mean, Spritz cookies are the shit, but still, you get the picture. Also, this song is super slow, just like Toby's foot and brain speed.
Christian Ponder Likes … "All I Want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey
Christian Ponder and Mariah Carey? She's a little bit too much of a harpy for his Bible-thumping tastes, isn't she? Probably! But this selection has more to do with content than anything. Assuming Ponder has no idea who Mariah Carey is anyway, I would guess that as soon as her lyrics hit the sound waves they struck a chord with Pondaris Jackson. You know what he wants for Christmas? Percy Harvin. And another real receiver. And a real offensive coordinator. And Samantha Steele to say YES (one for four!). And for Vikings fans to stop booing him, but Santa told him not to get greedy, so he had to settle for the hot lady. OH WELL, THAT'LL DO FOR ONE CHRISTMAS.
Leslie Frazier Likes … "Run Rudolph Run" by Chuck Berry
Frazier is a laid back guy, as is obvious by his catatonic state upon the sidelines during a game. But being laid back and chill and being dead is a pretty fine line, and Frazier knows how to cross that line. How? By rocking out to Chuck Barry! … Yeah, that's all he's got. But why this song? Obviously, it's because without his own little Rudolph running, Frazier would be in the unemployment line already, instead of (hopefully!) at the end of the year. Adrian Peterson has helped deliver Frazier's present of job security for the season, so this song makes perfect sense. What a pal.
Percy Harvin Likes … "Christmas Vacation" by Katie Campbell
Bet you thought I was going to go with "Christmas in Hollis" didn't you? Well, I really wanted to, but I thought Christmas Vacation was a better fit, considering the circumstances. The title song to the classic Christmas movie also reflects Percy's current status; a leading man surrounding by bumbling fools who certainly try hard, but just don't get it. And like Clark Griswold, Percy gets to spend the holidays on vacation instead of playing football since he was put on injured reserved. Enjoy the down time, Percy! I hope Santa "stuffs" your "stocking" full of "trees." Get it? I hope you get a ton of weed in your bong. There.
Geoff Schwartz Likes … "The Chanukah Song" by Adam Sandler
Is that racist? Yes? Good.
BONUS! Audie Cole Likes … The Entire NSync Christmas Album
Straight from the ever pleasant Miss Michelle Rosplock, lady friend to Vikings linebacker Audie Cole, Mr. Cole's favorite Christmas music is apparently the entire NSync Christmas Album. BUT OF COURSE! … I mean, well, I don't know. Personally, I was hoping for Wham!
Did we miss one? Let us know in the comments. Or hell, just drop your favorite Christmas song in the comments anyway. Cheer up, Vikings fans! You'll get your present of a new quarterback soon enough!