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Vikings vs. Texans: PJD’s Masturbatory “Everything’s Bigger” Game Preview

Everything is Bigger in Texas, Like Football Games:

You thought I was talking about something else? Like maybe big cowboy hats? Big old Five Gallon head gear, with the brims and sawdust and everything? Well I wasn't. I was talking about football games, like this big football game that's coming up for the Minnesota Vikings on Sunday. The team is heading to Houston to play the Texans, arguably the best team in the AFC (maybe the league?), and they desperately need a win. While they won't be technically eliminated from playoff contention if they lose Sunday, it will become increasingly difficult. I've done some calculus, researched some academic papers, and mixed highly volatile chemicals and have concluded that, yes, if the Vikings lose on Sunday the result of their playoff hopes goes straight to the OH SHIT meter. But let's not worry about that. Let's worry about whether or not Peterson gets 200 silly yards again. Let's see if the fuzzy sex hand cuffs are finally taken off of Ponder now that he's married and no longer a virgin. Let him rip some long balls, ya know? Play with them a little bit, gotta let them breath. It'll be good for him. And hopefully, in the end, will produce a win. I think that would be an early Christmas present none of us would mind opening early.

Thanks to Lksuperiorwhaler from Rube Chat for another great game day preview graphic!

Houston Texas

Can We Nickname Houston "America's Chode"?

That works, right? Since it's kind of hidden away on the under-taint of the continental US? And because it is all kind of hot and humid, sweaty and damp, smelly and sprawling just like that chodal region on a dude? I think it's a perfect fit. I know Adrian Peterson is pretty excited about heading back down to Texas to play in front of close family and friends from the area, but my god … I'm glad I'm not making the trip to that area. And honestly, I'm a little surprised Purple Jesus is excited to get back to Houston anyway, since the last time he was there he "allegedly" punched a security officer or some other LIE. The only thing worse than Houston though would be if this team had to go to West Texas for some reason. Pretend a hovel of human society lived in that desolation for some reason, and imagine a visiting football team had to go there once a week. It'd be terrible. It'd be like … Why, traveling to Green Bay, I would guess. ZINGER!

All Adrian Peterson

It's All About Adrian Peterson From Here on Out:

As much as I want the Vikings to win this game, win next week, watch the Bears and Cowboys and Redskins all lose out, make the playoffs, go on a run where they end up in the Super Bowl, beat the Texans again for our first Super Bowl, cry on my floor because I don't know what's happening in the world, skip work to attend the downtown parade in freezing cold weather, none of that REALLY takes precedence over simply watching Adrian Peterson make history. Also, this amazing season for him is a billion times more likely to have a happy ending than a Vikings playoff run, so of course I'm sticking with the one that won't break my heart. But there is still a little bit of doubt. The Texans have a good run defense, and the Packers may be a stickler during the last game of the year. But, so did the Rams team he just beat to death last week on the road no less. So a great amount of yardage for him may be accomplished on Sunday. In front of his family and friends, in his home state, with playoffs on the line, and the end so near in site, I get the feeling he's going to be a man possessed. And I can't wait.

Dolan Comic

Dolan Comic of the Week:

With families across the country making plans to gather around the Christmas fires this weekend, singing lullabies or Christmas songs about a fat man that breaks into your house, roasted chest nuts, marshmallows, or mulled wine, why wouldn't we welcome the Dolan family to the fire as well? Let Uncle Dolan bring his family, let them warm their feathers by the flames, let them burn a child in effigy among the coals to keep all of us warm for even longer … It's the gift that keep son giving from Mr. Dolan. He's such a gentleman, and is only thinking of all of us, putting laughs ahead of family with the burning of a child. Such a sweet Christmas message.

Eradour 10 year

Scotch of the Week:

Today we're keeping it light for all you holiday drinkers out there. Pairing a nice, easy going scotch that has some sweet notes to it like this week's does will like pair best with your gorging on Christmas cookies of any variety. So we're highlighting the Eradour 10 year scotch, a Highland scotch that comes in unassuming, like a brunette in a group full of blonds with boobs. Yet the Eradour may be just what the doctor ordered this season. It's light in color and feel, not hitting the mouth to obnoxiously or heavy. You'll notice lots of fruit flavor, ranging from raisins to prunes and even hints of butterscotch (because it's scotch, you see). It definitely taste like alcohol, having that bite and punch to it right when it hits your tongue, but then it fades pretty quickly without a lot of complexity. But that's kind of the beauty in the pairing this week, because you want to mix cookies and alcohol to get drunk as soon as possible, but without ruining the purpose of either – The cookies to taste like sugar and get you fat, and the booze to taste like something and get you drunk. Well, this definitely tastes like something, so it fits the bill.

Shirtless Blair Walsh

Shirtless Viking of the Week:

Head's up dudes and dudes! We got a gem this week. Reader @Qommie sent us a shot of a Shirtless Blair Walsh, rookie Vikings kicker, that had been hidden in image files to the internet for probably months. But not anymore! The rookie sensation has only continued to impress, including becoming the leading scorer in a year for a rookie after he kicked like a dozen field goals against the Rams, beating out Randy Moss' old record. I would also just like to take this opportunity to say that I think fans who continue to use the nickname "The Blair Walsh Project" or "Legatron" are terrible fans, unoriginal, and should be ashamed. Blair Walsh will forever be known as "LITTLE BIG LEG" around these parts, or I will ban your ass so fast, I swear to Purple Christ. But either way, there he is, shirtless. Enjoy.

Adrian Peterson Texans

Make or Break Predictions:

There is really only two ways that this game plays out, and I don't just mean we win or we lose (although that would be a true statement). What I really mean is that I only see the Vikings either getting completely slaughtered by a Texans team that still has their head in the game, or the Vikings playing like they have been in recent weeks and the somehow manage to sneak out a win. Problem is I just don't know what Texans team shows up. They just beat the Colts to clinch the division last week, so they may be due for an emotional let down. However, they do still have to play and fight for that first round bye in the playoffs, so on paper at least, they do still have some motivation to still play hard. But will they? I could kind of see them being like "Oh thank god, it's been a tough year, Christmas is in two days, let's just take a breather game against this overachieving Vikings team, get our one seed, and move on." The Vikings need that kind of attitude out of them to have any chance in this game.

There's also been a lot of talk this week about the need to "unleash" Christian Ponder on the Texans if we want to have any chance of winning. Granted, this talk has been coming from current mental case and former Vikings quarterback Fran Tarkenton, but he may have a point. While I don't think you back off running Peterson down the Texans butt chunnel all game long (I swear to god if you jeopardize his chance at breaking records …), I do think you – in a sense- go all in with these last two games and just pull the old Sexy Rexy "F*ck it, I'm going deep" attitude and see what happens. Would you rather have Ponder throw for 100 yards, 1 pick, 0 touchdowns and have us lose or 300 yards, 3 picks, 2 touchdowns and have us lose? I know my answer. I WANT TO SEE SOME FIREWORKS, BABY!

And so that's also why I'm throwing caution to the wind and saying, f*ck it, Vikings win this one on Sunday. I'll be so drunk or distracted by Christmas presents that I won't give a shit either way, but dammit, it'd be sweet for them to win. Adrian Peterson is possessed right now, and I'm not going to vote against him. 

God speed Norseman. You'll need it. Check in with us on Sunday to get away from the in-laws as we'll put up a game thread, and enjoy the weekend and games, everyone. We'll have some type of recap sometime Monday, a short message Tuesday, and then back to regular posts Wednesday. We'll also probably have some jokey stuff up on our Facebook page over the weekend, so make sure to like us there. See you all then.


About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.