PAYBACK TIME, RED BACKS: IT IS ON NOW YOU CELLULITE DIABETES FACES. I have been waiting silently, like a dog ready to murder-screw a bitch in heat, to once again face the racist Washington PIGS in our nations capitol for what they did to the only HOPE this ENTIRE COUNTRY has for success. Last Christmas Eve, when you basically shit in Santa's hat and cut the throat of the Christmas Story by knifing through Purple Jesus' ACL, you put a target on your back for the rest of your franchise's existence SO LARGE that not even a Joe Webb thrown deep pass could miss it. Your time is now, you bastards, do you understand? Lest not forget what exactly it is that Vikings DO, for a profession, OK? We murder, pillage, rape, steal your lands, defecate in your houses, slap your children, gang bang your stadium, make your transgender HOG FANS CRY SALTY TEARS, and probably will concuss your quarterback again, ruining his career. AND I DON'T GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT THAT. You sealed your fate last year, and you know it. You didn't think it would matter, but you were wrong. We have spent the past eight months obtaining a very specific set of skills, skills which we have honed over that time. Skills that will make the Vikings a nightmare for a pathetic team like yours. If you roll over this weekend, that'll be the end of it. We'll make this quick. But if you don't, we will come to your stadium, we will find your new franchise quarterback, and we will kill him. This I promise you.
Thanks to Randle9311 from Rube Chat for another great game preview graphic!
But Not Really, RGIII is Pretty Awesome: Anyone seen Taken 2 yet? I have not, and reviews have me on the fence. Anyway … Um, I will freely admit I was wrong about Robert Griffin the Third. I watched him at Baylor for a while and, yeah, undeniably, the dude was a talented college quarterback. Clearly. You know who else was a talented college quarterback? Troy Smith. Eric Crouch. Tommie Frazier. Colt McCoy. VINCE YOUNG. You get my point. It doesn't always translate, and the things I heard about RGIII were that the guy was dumber than a Hilton family member. Like, he had three plays his whole time at Baylor that he'd run, with three options in each play, but that was it. I mean, HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A MASTERS DEGREE, LIKE OUR QUARTERBACK DOES, COME ON!! At least I don't think he does. But damn, he's looked good. He throws the ball way better than I ever thought he would, and is obviously dynamic. And while I freely admit that, I do honestly wonder … Is he really a Super Bowl quarterback? Is it racist of me to say I don't know if he's better than Michael Vick was early in his career? You know, being a scrambler and all, but can't lead a team with his arm … Whatever, we'll see. Truth though is that he's a nice guy, he eats at Subway, is an Olympic hurdler, and is going to get his shit kicked in this weekend. TRUTH.
However, Griffining is Worse Than Cock Blisters: I remember after the first week of the season when RGIII had a huge debut, and he threw that long touchdown pass where he was knocked down immediately, and then pointed his fingers in the air. NBD, right? Just, you know, pointing your fingers in the air like people normally do. Brett Favre did that shit all the time when he played, with one hand. The difference? No "World Wide Leader in Sports" at the time was so desperate to become the leaders of a shitastic forced meme that they would name in "Favring." See, that's actually where you take pictures of your cock, fumble with a text message, and … Nevermind. But "Griffining?" If I could burn the toes off of ever ESPN executive who decided to push this shit hole idea, it would still not appease the burning hatred I have for it. YOU DON'T F*CKING CREATE MEMES YOURSELF. THEY HAPPEN NATURALLY IN SOCIETY. MEDIA CONGLOMERATES DO NOT HAVE THAT AUTHORITY. DIE A THOUSAND DEATHS, ALL OF YOU. I am pretty sure I have not hated something as passionately as I hate the idea of ESPN trying to popularize this turd cutter since the Vikings traded Randy Moss, THE FIRST TIME. Think about what fury you've unleashed, ESPN, and then choke on an old, grey cock of rage.
Dolan of the Week: So far with the weekly Dolan comics, I've played it pretty sage. There's Dolan, there's Gooby, maybe there's a Dolan relative, boom, sick joke about sodomy. Everyone laughs. The beauty about the Dolan comics though is that you have the base template of a stroke-victim looking character who touches everyone inappropriately, and you can then substitute in new characters. In this case, like Spider Man (Or rather, "Spoodermin," as is so eloquently typed here). Personally, I really like Spider Man so I find this pretty funny. Spidey, why u shootz da webz? Not webz, Gooby. Fak U, Spoodermin. Wonderful. Classic stuff.
Scotch of the Week: I had a thing go well at work this week, so decided I would celebrate by buying a bottle of scotch. Truthfully, I haven't actually picked up a bottle in months, with the last one I've had being a Bunnahabhain scotch. I wanted to feel old and sea-dirty though, so I went about bought this week's featured Scotch, the Ardberg 10 year from the island of Islay. I've had a kind of Ardberg before, but not sure if it was the 10 year. After I poured a glass, I could only say one thing to people thinking about trying it: grab some cocks boys and lady-boys, because this scotch will scorch the hair off your nuts. It's rather unassuming, because it's light in color and smells and feels a bit weak on the tongue, as far as the weight of it goes. But the taste. MY GOD. It hits your tongue like a sea serpent (that's not a dick joke), spitting salt water, bonfire, and astringent into your face as you almost drown. Yet it's also somehow a bit sweet on it's notes somewhere, too. I wouldn't say it's "pleasant" to drink on at night, but it was kind of perfect for the mood I was in. That mood is best described as CLINT EASTWOOD. Go get some.
Shirtless Viking of the Week: No "NEW" new Shirtless Viking picture this week, but instead I found this photo of Visanthe Shiancoe from a ways back. I have no idea what it was for, but I had a couple of other shirtless picks of him from this picture shoot, and some of them were down right creepy. Like this one of Shiancoe holding some shoes and smiling lustfully after you. Arousing? Possibly. Weird? YUP. But I'll allow it. Of course, you can check out all of the Shirtless Vikings in our picture gallery.
Fist Pumping Predictions: Alright, deep breaths everyone. Let's get this out of the way right now … I am officially 4-1 in my predictions on year, which makes me kind of like a Jesus person or something. Anyone want some wine? I'll get it to you. I call it toilet merlot. It comes out of my penis. All I know is I have an uncanny sense to determine how the Vikings will do each week, and I'll admit right now that I have an odd sense of calm about me this week. I don't think I should, because the team has a slew of injuries screwing with the roster (Purple Jesus has a gimpy ankle, Ponder's hip, Simpson's leg thing, Harrison Smith's badassness, etc.), and I never like our odds playing outside on real grass, but … I don't know. I think position for position we match up well with the Redskins. Only Pierre Garcon scares me for them a receiver, but he probably shouldn't. He's French. RGIII is always an unknown, but now is the time our defense should step up and teach a rookie a lesson. Offensively, Percy is on a tear, Purple Jesus is going to be PISSED, and the entire team is going to play mad for Everson Griffen's mother, who passed away Thursday. Top that off with Leslie Frazier's 2-0 record against the Redskins, IN THEIR STADIUM, and the fact that the Indians are starting Madieu Williams at safety and playing Cedric Griffin's two broke knees? Yes, I like the Vikings winning this game, something like 27-20.
Enjoy the game, everyone. We'll get a game thread up around noon, since this is a 3:15 late game on Sunday. In the meantime, think happy thoughts, and we'll see you with a game recap on Monday.