It's almost Christmas time, and if you haven't wasted your money on the Minnesota Vikings fan in your life by purchasing crappy Vikings shirts from the Purple Jesus Diaries' Merchandise Shop, then you're clearly doing it wrong. If you bought one of ours I can guarantee you that it will make an adult human male giggle and prance like a youngling opening up a GI Joe play set during a 1980's Christmas scene. YOUR LOSS, DUDEBRO.
If you ended up buying a DIFFERENT crappy Vikings shirt, I can also promise you that you have ruined Christmas. Flat out ruined it, because there's like a .017% chance that any Vikings related merchandise you probably saw online and purchased looks like a tinfoil dump. I don't know why this is, why NFL merchandising people can't just design cool looking apparel for fans to buy, but it's a fact. You're ruined Christmas, your present to your Vikings' fan will soon become a dishrag, and you should go cry into your mulled wine in the corner.
On the off chance that you haven't bought anything yet and in fact are still looking for some Vikings apparel, outside of our own shirts, I can't actually tell you what looks good. What I can do though is steer you clear of the five worst Vikings shirts we've found this holiday season. Buy anything but these, and you'll have a Merry Christmas. Or at least one without sad tears.
Below are five shirts we've stumbled across that are a blemish on society and an embarrassment not only to Vikings fans but to fans of the NFL anywhere across this great country. In short, DO NOT WANT. It'll be pretty obvious why.
Zebra Allen Vikings Jersey
Know a female Vikings fan who just thinks that Jared Allen is the CUUUTTTest?! Well, this shirt is the you give to her to show her how horrible of a human being she is. The problems with this "shirt" are numerous. Aside from this being designed to look like the Vikings jersey with a name and number on the back, when it CLEARLY doesn't even follow the current ugly jersey layout, it also takes some frightening "artistic liberties" with the Zuba stripes. And grey? Really? Because grey is definitely one of the Vikings primary color schemes? Not like, MAYBE, it's fifth color option back in the 80s? OK. Cool gift, but even worse if you had asked for it. WOMEN, amirite?!
The only thing worse than owning an actual Minnesota Vikings Brett Favre jersey, is having a Favre piece of apparel that shows how much you also hate him. Attention hoodlums like Favre will take either acknowledgement, people, don't you get that? Whether you're adoring him or flipping him the bird, he loves that shit. And unfortunately for McLeod Bethel-Thompson, a purple number four will always be tainted. Unless of course this is a social statement about how flabbergasted you are that Chris Kluwe changed from his original number four jersey to the number five, and you're statement is all "What the F*ck?!" then, totally, great shirt.
I think I have actually seen people wear this type of garbage. When I do, I'm surprisingly not mad at them, more so just curious. Like, is that person OK? Do they need mental help? That's cute that they were let out of the assisted living facility for a little while to visit other humans. That poor mental person has been given homeless bum clothes to wear. So unfortunate. I mean, that's the only story that would make sense why someone would where this shirt that has a Vikings "V" pointing straight to their shriveled dick. You want to draw attention to that thing? OK. Sorry about your life.
There are tons of these shirts now available on the Vikings shopper market now that Mike Morris has been fired from KFAN's The Power Trip Morning Show, but I'm here to tell you to stay clear. First, if they are indeed old Morris shirts, they probably smell horrible. I wouldn't recommend gifting that to someone and then having to aerate your home the next day. Second, this shirt and all other "Affliction" style shirts are grounds for automatic cornholings if seen worn in public. I don't know, maybe your recipient is into that sort of stuff and it'd be the perfect gift for them, but I doubt it. Don't take the risk and just stay clear.
Well, this shirt is actually just kind of cool. It may not be EXACTLY Vikings related, but if you were in a pinch and needed something that said "Vikings" on it for your nephew that for some sad, depressing reasons likes the Minnesota Vikings, you could do worse. The swear words may piss off the parents, but that's why you'll be the COOLEST gifter this season. But really, Vikings, Pirates, or Ninjas … Who do you choose? There's no right answer.
Hopefully this helps to inform you on what to stay away from. If you need to, feel free to pass it along to your family and friends as well, so they know not to buy any of this crap for you, too. If you are someone who ends up with a shitty Vikings present this Christmas, we'd love to eventually see it. And, of course, our apologies in advance.