Welcome to Purple Jesus Diaries’ Point/Counterpoint, where we interview two experts on a hotly contested topic of interest for Minnesota Vikings fans. This week, we talked with two Vikings fans who hold radically different political opinions on whether or not President Obama is a better potential quarterback than current starter Christian Ponder.The results may surprise you …
Liberal Hippy Vikings Fan Who Called His Representatives to Vote Against Funding for a New Stadium:
“Guys, let’s be serious here. Yes, what we have is an inspiring photo of the first African American President of the United States of America, President Obama, throwing a football with perfect form. Yes, his arm is cocked back at such an angle that it appears he’s going to rocket the pigskin 75-yards downfield, his right foot is planted and aimed perfectly forward, directing his pass with deftness and sincerity, much like his political positioning. But he simply cannot be the quarterback of the future for the Minnesota Vikings over Christian Ponder.
“For one, he’s too old. The Vikings have already tried to convince an elderstatesmen to come play QB for the team and – while the results were impressive for a single season – the mass consumerism and blatant abuse of the sacred NFL system was akin to molestation of the tax law. Frankly, I would not be able to support a quarterback like that again, especially when so many families are living in poverty and when our public school system is so broken. Obama simply isn’t the answer.
“If you need to, look at it from a system perspective. Obama would probably be a fine quarterback in a system like the Raiders, or Bengals, or Patriots, or other teams who like to cheat to win, who symbolize greed and Wall Street fat cats, who like to throw the ball down field and actually score points, but that’s just not who the Vikings are. No, we are calculated, careful, and like to put our money towards archaic positions on the field which have seen their golden age in years past. Invest money in an intelligent quarterback with a rocket arm? It makes no sense! It’s not the Vikings way! And, then what would we do with Kalil? Obama is throwing left handed, which means Loadholt would have to guard his blindside.
“Obama at quarterback would simply be a poor investment. That is why I am voting NO on this issue. Call your representative to do likewise!”
Racist Country Vikings Fan Who Never Cheered for Daunte Culpepper:
“Nahw, nawh, ah know whatcher all thinkin, ya’ll thinkin Imma come in here and be all, ‘Naw, that there Obama-man can’t be no kutterback for my Vikings team, cuz he black!’ But nope, ah ain’t fallin fer yer trap here, ya liberal hippy nerd. Nope, no way. Ah know a gud kutterback when ah see one, and that there Obamah guy looks like he can sling a rock wid the best uf em. So why not sign him up? He got all da qualities of a nice QB fer the team, and ahll ah wanna do is see a dad-gum Super Bowl win before mah teeth rot out from gnawin wood chips durin the summa.
“Ah mean, it seems ta be all the rage now in the NFL these days, rightum? Black kutterbacks who can run and throw and score and win. Loogit that Mr. Teef down in Carolina. He be a dad-gum solid play maker. I’d take him in purple, all night long, and maybe in the hay barn, too. Same thing wid mister dog hunta, Vick. Shoot, ain’t nuttin so bad about dog huntin. That’s what men do, dammit. And since we bein all politically corrected, why not branch out and get are very own diverse kutterback on the team? That Ponder kid is too manly, with his bare chest and all. Ah definitely do not like that. But if the Packas already have them their homosex kutterback over there, maybe we shud get a black on here so the country can loogit our state and we can say, ‘la-di-da, NFL, we all diverse too, don’t we deserve a Champship?’
“So sign me up. Imma call my representative, Frank who sets up down atta post office in town, and tell him, ‘You vote here fer dat Obama guy to be a kutterback for the Vikings and Imma buy you a High Life. Ya deserve it.’ So as mah momma say, vote ‘YIPPER’ on the old, black kutterback!”
*Pssst! Quotes and fan pictures not real. This be that political satire!