The Book of Revelations: In the elder days, it has been said that a celestial being from above would return to Earth and lead the Minnesota Vikings to victory. Over the past five years, this prophecy has been believable. A blur of light so bright you dare not look at it, a hulk of stone so strong you dare not deny it passage, a touch with hands so gentle you dare not grasp it during a handshake, the mortal wearing #28 on the field in purple had managed to gather quite the group of disciples during his time on Earth. Yet before his Biblical birthday during the Christian year of 2011, it seemed as if his followers were to be punished for their beliefs. He was struck a devastating wound, ripping his knee asunder in more ways than a mere man could sin in a lifetime. The future was bleak, dark, and filled with laughing Wisconsin fans.
Yet those days are no more. On Sunday, September 9, in the 2012 year since his last death by stupid Romans, the Purple Jesus has returned. He once again appeared before us humans as a vision, as he first did five years ago. He then cured all our ailments, pushed back the darkness with one juke move, and made us BELIEVE again. Sure, it was only against the Jacksonville Jaguars – who by rights are terrible – and yes it only led to a 26-23 overtime win, but who cares? I for one thought Purple Jesus would never come back after his injury. I foolishly admit that my faith wavered. BUT NO MORE. He is back, the Vikings win, and football is ON, bitches.
Never forget. Purple Jesus has risen. He is risen indeed, Hallelujah!
Mushroom Stamp of Approval: OK, but really, we wouldn't be singing these praises so high if it wasn't for that son of a bitch Care Blair Walsh and his golden leg that can kick footballs from here to Jupiter. The rookie kicker made four field goals on the day, providing points when our anemic offense decided it was too busy checking out tits in the crowd to actually play. And thank god, otherwise we never would have been in this game. And kudos to the kid. Making your NFL regular season debut is no joke, but doing it in a game where you're called upon to kick a game tying 55-yard field goal at the end of regulation? GTFO. I would have had human waste matter exploding from every orifice on my body if I was in his shoes and Big Leslie asked me to do that. Him? "Sure thing coach, just let me grab my punter to hold the ball for me." OUTSTANDING. Walsh isn't going to have a day like this EVERY game during his career – and not even this year – but I'll take it when I can get it. And for that, he gets STAMPED.
Chris Cook Getting Cooked: On the other side of the ball, I can't say I was as impressed with everyone. I'm still really upset with our defense, pretty much all the time, but I never know if I should blame it on the actual player or the coaching staff. Because really, Alan Williams? Are we serious? Regardless, Chris Cook can't even use that excuse for his boneheaded play that let the Jaguars score the go-ahead touchdown at the time. If he was looking for a redemption game after his offseason of legal trouble where, remember, HE HIT A WOMAN, this game didn't help. I don't particularly care that he made up for it minutely later on, because that TD catch was pretty embarrassing. On the other hand, Josh Robinson looked alright when he was called upon, so it sounds like I can still keep my fingers crossed that our team will have passable cornerbacks sometime in the near future. I look forward to that.
The Shit List: Everything seems well and good right now, but inevitably this team is going to start pissing me off something fierce and I'm going to start getting really upset at football players, as players, not as human beings. Unless they go the aforementioned Chris Cook route. Either way, I'll keep a week to week running tally of who it is from the organization that is moved to my shit list either through craptacular play or because they pissed me off for various reasons. After week one, that list includes (in no particular order):
- Chad Greenway
- Chris Cook
- Bill Musgrave
- Jamarca Sanford
The reasons here should all be pretty obvious, but in a nut shell, Greenway is still our third best linebacker paid like Urlacher, Cook gets cooked, Musgrave called a pretty shitty game, Sanford is a bad safety who I don't trust, and Rangar is the worst faux mascot representation in the league. Pretty simple stuff, really.
NFC North Round Up: Check out this noise – The Vikings are playing above .500 football for the first time since 2009! And do you know what shark tits have a LOSING record? The Green Bay Packers! They lost to the 49ers on Sunday, which was fantastic to see. The best part too is that they don't get much rest to digest this game and come back on the attack, as they have to play the Chicago Bears this upcoming Thursday night. Speaking of, the Bears got past a rocky start and ended up beating the Colts big, thanks to Sad Face Cutler hooking up with his new receiving toy Brandon Marshall a couple of times. That's going to be two shitty games to play, as I'm fairly certain those two catheter bags are going to destroy us. Otherwise, the Lions also won, but did so in unremarkable fashion against St. Louis, which we have no idea how good they may or may not be. I have a feeling the Lions will regress to the mean this year now that everyone has their eyes on them, so maybe we can sneak a game from them. Either way, the standings are as follows:
- Detroit, 1-0
- Chicago, 1-0
- MINNESOTA, 1-0
- Green Bay, 0-1
Looks good, man.
Haiku for Winners:
"Blaine, close your eyes tight,
Tonight, it's surprise butt sex –
I'm going in dry.
Alright, good stuff everyone. I'm trying to not get too excited about being 1-0, because man did that game almost end really horribly, but shit, why not. Purple Jesus came back and looked outstanding against all odds, Percy looked fantastic and pretty much like the only dynamic player on the team, Ponder didn't SUCK but he wasn't great, and maybe the defense has potential? Even not royally dry humping the clock management at the end of regulation to get a field goal out of it showed miniscule improvement by the coaching staff, which is more than I would have credited them with at the start of the year. So there's that. Screw it, let's keep the train rolling. Enjoy the win everyone, and remember this feeling. Who knows when we'll have it again.