Your 2012 Minnesota Vikings: My main theme throughout the Titans and Vikings game preview was how, after a quarter of a season worth of play, I wasn't fully prepared to crown the 2012 Minnesota Vikings as a legitimate team. I mean, they squeaked by an awful Jacksonville team, lost to a bad Colts squad, thoroughly handled a great 49ers franchise, and then helped the Lions continue their downward spiral. Now, beating an injured and undisciplined Titans team, 30-7, doesn't exactly mean that this Minnesota team is the real deal, not by any means. But it does say something. It says the Vikings are 4-1 on the year, still tied with the Bears for the division lead. It says that, through no fault of their own, the team has handled their schedule as they were supposed to. It's not like we're Glen Mason, asking North Dakota State to come in here and beat the team. The schedule isn't the team's fault, it's what is given to them. So great, win your games and move on. Some people do, and some people don't. The Vikings? They have, and they've looked fairly impressive doing so. And in completing these tasks, the ability to deny what this team is – possibly a pretty damn good team – is getting less and less. Which can only leave you with one last explanation:
Your 2012 Minnesota Vikings are a pretty good football team. Who would have thought.
Mushroom Stamp of Approval: The turn around this team has show this year has been impressive. From quarterback play, to the divine return of Purple Jesus, to even the coaches not being bags of burning shit at every corner, this team has impressed down the line. Even someone as jaded as I can admit that. Truth is though, despite all of these awesome improvements, no one has still made my jaw drop and tighten my butthole every time they touch the ball like Percy Harvin does. To say that he is maybe becoming the best receiver the Vikings have had since Randy Moss is like saying Aaron Rodgers is maybe gay. I appreciate you holding some reservations, but there's no time left for any of that. Let's get the truth out. I have not been so excited about a football player wearing purple since … Well, since Purple Jesus' rookie year. And he's still really good. But Percy … Holy poop. Do you know that he's had a reception in every game of his career? Every game. He has never faded from the limelight, and will still turn up field and pop your piece of shit defender without looking back. You give him all of the money in the world and worry about fielding a bunch of veterans on a minimum contract later. He is one of the most dynamic players I have ever seen and deserves all the credit he will ever get. For that, you get a Mushroom Stamp of Approval, Percy.
Look Closer at the Defense: Coming into the season, I was actually feeling pretty decent about the offense. I figured Ponder would grow a little bit, we had a couple of weapons, and while we may stall here or there, we'd be in better positions to put up points than we ever were with Donovan McNabb (remember that disaster?). With good reason, the biggest concern was about defense. Could this zombie horde stop ANYone? Even just once. Maybe even just one PERSON once. I think after five games it's safe to say that whatever role Big Leslie is playing in shaping this defense, along with Alan Williams' play calling, they are doing a damn fine job. Honestly. To turn around this squad of jokers into what they are now … They're probably just magicians. There's no other explanation. I mean, everyone is playing well. The two big linebacker question marks are showing up, Everson Griffen has turned into a BEAST, Harrison Smith is easily my favorite white defensive player on the team, probably ever, and even the other rookies that have had to step up have done so, well. It's pretty amazing, and high fives to the coaching staff. I will definitely call you jerks out when the team does something that you have no control over, but I blame you for, so I figure I'll give you some honest credit where you deserve it.
Suck My DDDD Green Bay: Dave Sinykin, the KFAN Packers gash face, had this ridiculous tweet early during the Colts and Packers game, where he basically was ROFLing his dick off that the Vikings lost to the Colts. Well, jokes on you, bald face, because the Packers choked away in the most amazing fashion I have ever seen. The Colts had like a four minute drive at the end of the 4th quarter to seal the deal, going up by three points, with :35 seconds left. The Packers drove down to a 50+ yard field goal for Mason Crosby (who is still an asshole for going to school at Colorado), who shanked the hell out of the kick (it looked blocked, but whatever), and sealed the Packers loss. They are now 2-3 and have to face the Texans next week. EAAAATT MMYYYYY DDIIIICCCCCKKKKK PACKERS! This season is amazing.
The IT List: Depending on whether the team wins or loses, we compile a SHIT or IT list of players (or franchise related people and things) that really affected the team in the last week. Since we won this week, we'll be listing items that made our cotton underoos tight, in no particular order:
– Percy Harvin (Deep catch + Madden Jukes = Boner Overload)
– Shirtless Ponder (Laser throws + bounce back from interceptions = Thumbs Up!)
– Big Leslie (Challenge accepted? Who knew you could win those?!)
– Toby Gerhart (Would have been at the top of the list if his long run turned into a barrel-roll touchdown)
– Harrison Smith (Push as many refs as you want; you've earned it!)
– Josh Robinson (One little man, two big ass tackles in two weeks)
– Antoine Winfield (Catch an interception straight into my heart!)
– Jim Beam (I love drinking you, thanks for helping me through the weekend)
Notes and Nips: There's still more to talk about with this game? YOU BET YOUR FURRY ASS. Let's break down some more notes and nipples:
– On Harrison Smith, I think we have a real safety. Not like a Brian Russell safety, but a real one, one who knows how to spell football, AND play it. First, his hit on the receiver, then him pushing a ref. OUTSTANDING. He should do that every game, if it's a blow out.
– No one freak out, but I saw Jamarca Sanford make a play in coverage. I swear it. Just accept it and move on.
– I'm still confused by Musgrave. As much as I'm starting to really like this team, I don't know if this team really has an offensive identity. Maybe we don't need one. Maybe that's a bit overrated in the NFL. But I thought we were going to feature two tight ends all year, and that's nowhere to be seen. Are we a run first? We came out throwing. Do we pass a lot? No, not really. I'm as confused as a broken hymen.
– Seriously though, John Carlson. Get out. Leave your money here too, Percy needs it.
– Chris Johnson is god damn awful. He has no shake or wiggle anymore. He'll take the ball, run forward or at a 90 degree angle, and then call it a day. What a piece of shit. How dare you think you were ever better than Purple Jesus. Anyone who claimed he was ever better than our running back should have their ability to share their opinion on ANYTHING revoked forever.
– Where did our pass rush come from? Did it hibernate last year? Did they throw their hands up and say "F THIS" because our offense was so putrid? This is amazing. Most of all, Brian Robison, Everson Griffen, and even Kevin Williams are playing like ballers. It's fantastic.
– Josh Robinson has been just a solid get. He's solid in coverage, and has shown he can tackle. I mean, sucks about the broken knee for the Titan and all, but HOLY SHIT WHAT AN AWESOME TACKLE. That's two weeks in a row now, too, after he butt banged that other guy in a suplex. Shit is awesome.
– Remember Care Blair? Yeah, he's still good too. It's nice to have a rookie kicker that's so good you forget that he's a rookie and that you maybe have to wonder if he'll ever miss. Also, suck on that, Mason Crosby.
– Out of all of the NFL teams, I think the Vikings are one of the best in wearing the pink accoutrement with the rest of their normal uniform. The pink and purple kind of go together. The Giants do it pretty well, too, and the Colts. But it looks like shit with the Packers, and I bet the Seahawks make people wish they had cancer when they see that combination. Gross.
Baller Status Haiku:
"FUCK YO COUCH, FUCK YO
COUCH, FUCK YO COUCH, FUCK YO COUCH,
FUCK YOU -SIGNED PERCY."
Fantastic stuff, everyone. Amazingly, we have a chance for another win next week when we face the Redskins in Washington DC. Little known fact, Big Leslie owns those cock suckers, 2-0 in his head coaching career, with only one of those games has he destroyed a running back's leg. With Robert Griffin III possibly having a concussion from today's game, it'll be Purple Jesus' redemption tour, a chance at a 5-1 start, and maybe even a three game lead on the Packers. THIS IS LIKE THE BEST SEASON EVER!! Can't wait for it.