Eric Dickerson. Jim Brown. Barry Sanders. Earl Campbell. Edgerrin James. Before Sunday, this was the collection of youngest NFL players to rush for 8,000 yards in their career. That's pretty good company. REAL damn good company. Green Bay couldn't even have a wet dream to an NFL running back like that. But you know what? The Vikings could, and the Vikings can, thanks to another magic trick by Adrian Peterson. In the game the Vikings played against the Packers on Sunday, Peterson ran 21 times for 210 yards, averaged 10 yards per carry, scored one touchdown, recorded his career long NFL rush with an 82 yard scamper where he broke out to the right, ripped through two or three tackles, told the Packers to eat a bag of feces, and rumbled in for a score to put the Vikings up 14-10, AND he set the Vikings' team record of six straight games of rushing for 100 yards or more. And, by the end of the day, you were able to add Adrian Peterson's name along with Dickerson, Brown, Sanders, Campbell, and James. AND THE VIKINGS STILL MANAGED TO LOSE THE F*CKING GAME.
I hate it. I hate this team so god damn much. I hate that the only way the team can get within a mummer's fart of winning is to have Peterson rush for over 200 yards, and even then it's not good enough. I hate that this stupid god damn team makes Peterson sit back in retrospect afterwards and say, on the record, that he should have done more to try and win the game. ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW. THE BEST RUNNING BACK IN THE NFL, POSSIBLY EVER, IS SAYING HE SHOULD HAVE DONE MORE BECAUSE OUR SHIT STAIN OF A TEAM AND QUARTERBACK COULD ONLY MANAGE 149 OTHER YARDS DESPITE HAVING THE BEST FOOTBALL PLAYER, LIKE EVER, DRAWING ATTENTION AWAY FROM YOU.
I'm done. Fire everyone. Move the team to LA. Or keep everyone and trade Peterson. I can't watch this crucifixion all over again. He deserves better, even if we don't.
Mushroom Stamp of Disapproval:
Welp, Christian Ponder, I am officially done with your stupid ass. Your huge brain must be filled with Master's Degree knowledge, because you sure as hell aren't retaining anything remotely close to football information in that diarrhea bowl on your neck. Your stupid f*cking interceptions every single game, your inability to stand in a pocket and read through your progressions, and your sissy scrambling are enough to make me want to glue a shirt to your chest hair permanently. I don't give two flying f*cks if you do have the worst receiving core in the league. Peyton Manning and Tom Brady have thrown to WHITE receivers their whole careers, and you can't find a single player on your roster open? You want to throw across your body in the red zone? You want to keep throwing three yards out? FUCK YOU. You don't deserve any of this. You have receivers out on the field where a defender is limp wristing his hand towards them because he KNOWS you can't hit him, and then just looking for wherever the running back is, and you STILL can't do shit with it. Get out. You're done. I hope you get hemorrhoids. Honestly. I hope they suck, too, and make your ass bleed every time you wipe, and then they break out while you're wearing white pants in a game and bleed through and you get embarrassed, and the blondie girlfriend from ESPN dumps your ass because you have a bleeding asshole. You deserve it. Throw a f*cking completion, you dick.
I AM JUST SO MAD I CAN'T EVEN DO TOPIC HEADINGS:
Honestly, there is so much about this game that makes me mad, and the general state of the Vikings, that I can't even form coherent thoughts right now, so I'm just going to cop out and bullet-point my way to the end of this thing, and hope I don't finish with an "I HATE ALL OF YOU AND HOPE YOU SL;DKFJAS;HF;ASKJDFK!!"
– I think Kyle Rudolph gets it. We can keep him around. Anyone who does a Lambeau Leap in Lambeau from the opposing team, or faux-moons the Green Bay crowd, is OK in my book.
– Who's the defensive line coach? Fire him and hire a garage door laser sensor. It would do the same good. If ANY one of you crosses the line one more god damn time before a snap of the ball, you lose your testicles. No question. Run to the sideline, guillotine set up, boom, done. Solder the wound and get your piece of shit face back out there and don't do it again.
– If I ever hear a Packer fan complain about the refs I will rip their entrails out with my mouth and strangle them with the remains. Some of those calls were such bullshit that even Joe Buck and Troy Aikman were flabbergasted. And with as big of a prude and company man as Joe Buck is, when he gets upset by some ridiculous shit, you know you FUBARed big time.
– Would you ever would have thought that the Minnesota Timberwolves were the only hope to prevent the Wisconsin Winnings Sports Trifecta this weekend? They beat the Bucks on Friday night while the Badgers prison pumped Nebraska, and the Packers bitch slapped the Vikings. Without the Timberwolves, things would be looking even uglier, and that should be a frightening thought to everyone.
– I'm over Jared Allen, as well. I don't care if he had an injury or not. When did it happen? Last year? When you almost had a sack record? So what's your excuse now? Get out.
– If Leslie Frazier isn't fired this year, along with his entire coaching staff, there is no hope for this team ever. For some odd reason, I'd be willing to keep Spielman around though. His drafting has been … Acceptable?
– Would Percy Harvin had made a difference? Doubt it. He may have kept it closer, but at what cost? Another ankle injury? Put him on IR. Honestly. It's a wasted season now. We're terrible. Save him for when we can bring Alex Smith or someone in next year. And honestly, the fact that I'm mentioning Alex Smith or even fantasizing about Sage Rosenfels leading this team (because I am) makes me so very sad inside my heart.
– AJ Jefferson … There's one of these guys every year, isn't there? Christ.
– Honestly, I didn't even watch the game because I was flying back from Florida from a short weekend get away. It was nice. Weather was awesome, like 80 and sunny with just enough of a breeze to keep from getting super hot. I enjoy it a lot. I even finished A Storm of Swords on the plane ride home. Great book. Some real interesting twists in the final 150 pages or so, even the last 80. Can't wait for season three of Game of Thrones to see all, or most, of it. Then, I got home and ate some Pizza Luce, and then watched the mid-season finale of The Walking Dead, which was super bad ass. I can't believe I have to wait until February for new episodes to come back. What a crock. If you can't tell, I'm doing everything I can to try to make us all forget about this piece of turd log football game that was on Sunday. It's not working.
"Oh no, Everson!
You totally sacked me, man!
We best just snuggle."
Yeah, season's over. Maybe the Vikings aren't "mathematically" eliminated from the playoffs yet, but you'd have to drink moonshine on the reg to think the team had any sort of chance to do anything even if they DID make the playoffs. At this point, I'm looking at draft picks, and prepping for another anal insertion from the Bears next week. What a great time to be alive! I hate everything.