It has been, admittedly, a while since we last caught up with everyone's favorite Sulk Faced NFC North quarterback, Jay Cutler. And that's probably for good reason. He's still a male crotch fighter, has more chins than Kristie Alley after the holidays, and I still can't figure out if he's a good quarterback or not. I don't think he is. I think Brian Urlacher was right when he called Jay Jay a pussy. But that's neither here nor there. What IS here are couple of golden stories about Jay Cutler and his new baby Momma Kristin Cavallari.
As a refresher, the Cutlerari's just had a baby boy, which they named Camden Jack. Related to Jack Sparrow, a fictional character? MAYBE. Also in the news is that Kristin's ex-ugly bumper Nick Lachey had a baby with his now-slam piece Vanessa Minnilo (I really don't ever want to write these names again), naming their baby Camden John. From Warming Glow:
Kristin Cavallari (Lachey’s ex) tweeted “Apparently Camden is a popular name!” … Cavallari followed up her initial tweet with a clarification, saying “By the way that wasn’t a bitchy tweet at all. I obviously love the name and I’m glad other people do too,” which was totally unnecessary because the only people who have any right to be angry about anything in this situation are the poor babies who are stuck with the name Camden.
The amount of things wrong with this entire scenario are many, so let's break them down after the jump, and also share with you a priceless Jay Cutler story:
If there's one thing that REALLY sucks about not just white people, but RICH white people (and there's a TON, like also how our voices all sound nasally, and our foods are all basically hot dishes, and how the guys' penises are all super small ), is that they name their kids some really stupid names. REALLY stupid names. Like Apple, and Tagg, and Pilot Inspektor, and CAMDEN. God dammit, people, you should have just gone with the middle name; Jack. That's a perfectly reasonable name. Strong, one syllable, handsome name. You're weird and I hate you all.
Also, yeah, despite the fact that Cavallari definitely looks like a pregnant lady I would enjoy giving the throat spear to, she does come off kind of sounding like a jealous B-Word here. No escaping that. No wonder Cutler-fusker is moping all the time. But I'd be moping too if I knew that the woman who just gave birth to my child also had NICK LACHEY'S PENIS inside of her once, pretty much in all of the same holes that I've placed my own penis, where he has equally left her dripping like a faucet from them. Sick. I'd just shoot myself, man, it's over. I always thought Lachey was La-Gay, if you know what I mean, so that's an especially big blow (no pun intended) to Cutler's confidence.
And speaking of Neck-Neck, Kissing Suzy Kolber had this shared incident of a reader who ran into Cutler at a bathroom bar recently. No Legitimate Roethlisberger complaints have been filed, as far as we know:
He goes to the bathroom and sees Jay Cutler, hat on backwards, taking a piss at the urinal. So the guy starts going to the bathroom and says, “Hey, I’m a huge fan, also went to Vanderbilt… ”
Jay throws his head back, still pissing, eyes half-closed because he’s drunk, interrupts him with, “DOOOONNNNTTTTTT CAAAAAARRRREEEEEE.”
I'd like to get all indignant about this and be mad, shake my fists, and call him a huge asshole, but … I mean, that's pretty much exactly what you thought Jay Cutler would do, right? It is for me. And I don't know if that makes me extremely proud or frustrated. Probably both.
Here's hoping at least this season we can do our best to put another layer of frown on at least one half of America's Sulkiest Family.