It's Halloween! Once, that meant something to me. Now, I go home and … What, it's Wednesday? I guess I check the waiver wire for fantasy football, read Game of Thrones, maybe watch some Modern Family, and drink some warm milk before going to bed at 9:30 PM. Wonderful night!
But there was a time when it meant something different, meant something FRIGHTENING!! It meant dressing up like scary ghosts and goblins, frights of the night, ghoulish spirits that would threaten to tear you limb from limb, or ruin your Sunday like Spergeon Wynn or Wasswa Serwanga! Now THAT is really scary.
So continue to the spirit of Halloween, Purple Jesus Diaries has decided to give you a different kind of feeling of terror … This isn't a spook behind a door or a zombie hoard attacking you, this is mental terror. These are facts about your Minnesota Vikings that are so frightening you're likely to stop breathing, turn white with horror, weep uncontrollably, and maybe even wet your pants in fear! You wouldn't be the first person.
So read on, my little demons, as we prepare to provide FRIGHTENING VIKINGS FACTS!
Now don't' say we didn't warn you. We have verified with card-carrying Spook-ologists who have acknowledged that these tales are 100% factual. Are those the hairs on your neck starting to rise already? GOOD! Because after reading these facts, you are like to not fall asleep until the sun rises again:
– YOUR LIFE SAVINGS ARE AT RISK, at least if you bet on the Vikings to continue winning this year based on their current record of 5-3. NFL Betting Odds (click here to view) have the Seahawks as at -5 right now, which to a non-money losing person I think means that they are favored to brutalize us by at least five points this weekend. Yes, Vegas is expecting midget rookie Russell Wilson to beat us by plus a field goal. Pack it up folks, season's over.
– Current tackle leader in the NFL for the 2012 season? WHITE GHOST CHAD GREENWAY!!! Gaahhh!! Who would have thought?! His 81 tackles puts him with the highest tackles in the league this year, two ahead of Jerod Mayo from New England.
– The Man with One Leg, aka, Adrian Peterson, aka, Purple Jesus, aka, Your Starting Running Back Returned From the Dead, currently leads the league in total rushing yards with 775! WHAT DEVILRY IS THIS?! How can one man, with one leg, defy all odds and be the best rusher in the NFL?! … Oh, right, he's Purple Jesus.
– Your league leader in receptions on this young, innocent, season? NONE OTHER THAN RAGE FILLED PERCY HARVIN, AAAHHHH!!! And Wes Welker. But, Percy Harvin too, both of them have 60 receptions on the year, a league best, tied with each other, but whatever. The little goblin's have taken over the league!
– AN ALBINO MUMMY COACHES THE TEAM'S OFFENSE!! Run in fear!!
– FEAR THE NUMBERS 8, 5, AND 8!! No, this is not the true number of the beat, rather, it's the current quarterback rating number of the SHIRTLESS. Yes, Shirtless Christian Ponder carries a season quarterback rating of 85.8, which puts him smack in between … Ryan Fitzpatrick and … Carson Palmer. ………… That is not good.
– LOOK OUT for none of our receivers, apparently. Outside of Percy Harvin and his 667 receiving yards (best for 5th in the NFL this year!), the next best receiver on the team yardage wise is … Michael Jenkins? And his 287 yards? That's good for 72nd (SEVENTY SECOND) highest in the league. Which isn't impressive, I should point out. So essentially, cover Percy Harvin and let the other fart goblins toot around the field, it won't hurt you, visiting team!
– JARED ALLEN IS THE WALKING DEAD!! In comparison to last year, at least. In 2012, he has seven total sacks, a morbid comparison to last year's near-record pace. Instead, Allen seemingly has passed his still-beating heart to the Texans JJ Watt who leads the league with 9.5 sacks. In second place? The scariest woman of all, Clay Matthews!!
– BEWARE THE BODYSNATCHER!! This horrible beast, this gruesome werewolf of the North Woods (that probably wears a fanny pack) is the chosen symbol to represent YOU and all of the state of Minnesota! Can you think of nothing more terrible?!
– ENTER THE TWILIGHT ZONE when you look at who holds the record this season thus far for most assisted tackles. YUP, none other than White Ghost Greenway, which is ironic, since he is also credited with highest total number of overall tackles, too. Could it be that his numbers are *gasp* deceiving?! Could he not be a real force on the defense, but a witches broom, cleaning up the mess?! GHASTLY!
– GAPE AS HANDS GROPE YOU FROM THE MIST or at least appear out of nowhere to bat down balls, like all four feet and 700 years of Antoine Winfield is doing this year. He's been credited with nine passes defended, which is good for sixth in the league. He's like Dracula, never aging and appearing out of nowhere to disrupt your evening plans.
THE HORROR!!! If you can move a muscle in your body after reading these brain killers, feel free to offer any we missed in the comments. And of course, enjoy your evening and be safe! And if you're a slutty girl who dressed up like a naughty R2-D2, definitely send pictures. That's a good girl.
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