EVERYONE IS DYING: Is it just me or does it feel like every NFL player is dying this season? RGIII has a concussion and couldn't play a full game. Ahmad Bradshaw played like he had trench foot to start the season then explodes on my bench (in a different league) because I'm like, "Eh, he's still hurt, right?!" I saw like 14 other NFL running backs that went on IR this week alone because of injuries. Because of this, I had to look at what was available for me to pick up and plug in on the waiver wire at running back. Do you have any idea what's left in a typical 10 team league? Things like Peyton Hillis, Shane Vereen, Felix Jones, White Running Backs. I mean come on … I might as well just leave that roster spot open. At least I won't be penalized with potential lost fumbles. It's disgusting.
But not as disgusting as my loss this week! On to PJD's Fantasy Football League week 5 recap. It gets bloody from here on out.
Week Results: In no short order, the two different divisions (Harvin's Swisher Sweets and Ponder's Absent Shirts) have really separated themselves. In short, Harvin's division kind of sucks. That's the division that holds the two 1-4 teams (Parole Models and Legit Roethlisberger) and a best record of 3-2 (Percy Poppin' and Peyton's Robot Neck). The other league has a worst record of 2-3 (Cheeseheads) and a league best of 4-1 (Very Tight Buttholes). It's clearly dominant and TIGHT. Butthole tight. Anyway, here are some weekly notes:
– Bring the Weeden dropped a slutty 35 points on the week. Nasty, yo! Legit wasn't far behind though with 37 points. On the plus side, if these two played each other every week I bet it would be pretty exciting. Like watching to fat chicks hold a pole dancing contest. FEED ME YOUR ADORATION!!
– Collinsworth's Girth dropped an applaud worthy 82 points this week. This has to be an anomaly, largely because he has Phillip Rivers and Cedric Benson on his team. LASER FACE! I hate that penis pusher. Also, his point total is only best for 6th in the league, so it's middle of the pack, by definition in a 10 team league, instead of BEST in the league. STOP OVER ACHIEVING!!
– Speaking of point totals, I warned all of you to watch out for Feisty Fingers. She finger blasted me this past week, and now has a point total of 348 on the year. Um, the next closest is 333, and that guy (Tight Butthole) is first in the league. Yeah, she's gunnin' fo' dat azz.
Weekly Worst: GOD DAMMIT CHEESEHEADS. I am furious at him for STILL having 4 (four!!!!) quarterbacks on his roster. What a waste of space! It's like VHS porn in your cabinet! Just trade someone already, god dammit! Or at the very least, start a wide receiver who scores 14 points (Reggie Wayne) over a wide receiver who scores zero points (Mike Wallace) ESPECIALLY when they are going against an overrated Packers defense. I guess the ties really DO bind. I mean, must have bound your fingers together and prevented you from being a good fantasy team owner. Ohhh, zinger!
Medal of the Week: This week's medal goes to Victorious Secrets, who was awarded the TUNDRA … Uh, something … Pick of the Week? Because he owns a player that is on Yahoo! Sports player of the week lists, or something. Which, I mean, considering that he won this week, must mean something good. And hey, trucks and shit. That's awesome, right? You can pretend you're mudding and things, which sounds like butt sex in the wrong circles, which is always cool too. BUTT SEX!! As you were.
Story Note of the Week: I don't remember the game between myself and Feisty being ALL that interesting, but upon reading the story notes I found this little nugget that makes it sound like we were just in a sexy, urban fist fight all weekend long (which we may or may not have been in real life):
|Feisty Fingers (3-2, 348 points) got the win over Percy Poppin' (3-2, 314 points) 72 – 51 in a matchup with four lead changes. They also put up the second-highest point total in the league this week. Percy Poppin' scored first and went into Sunday in front 1 – 0. They lost that advantage after the early Sunday games and trailed 27 – 23. After the late Sunday games, the lead went back the other way 45 – 36. However, Feisty Fingers came out of the Sunday night game ahead by 15.|
There are so many solid nuggets in here. First, ZOMG! Leading 1-0 after a Thursday night game?! Way to get a jump start on the opponent, PJD! Also, I like that "Feisty Fingers came out" Sunday night. Came out of what? Her shell? The closet? By behind? She rocks the strap-on, you know it. Either way, if she "comes out" every week, I wouldn't mind losing to her each week either. RAWR!!
Looking Ahead: Last week, I picked Cheeseheads to win his game. Naturally, he didn't because my picks are horrible. Now, I am 1-2-1 on the year. Yeah, how I got a win I'll never know. This week, we're looking at the Parole Models and Legit Roethlisberger match up, as it's the game which will determine the new, definitive, worst team in the league. Frankly, I don't like either of these teams' potential, but if I had to pick one I'd go with Parole, because I think Flacco is stupid, but good at football, and Lesean McCoy is kind of a beast. Good luck to her, do me proud, even though you're now screwed because I picked you. Oops!
Good luck to everyone this week, but not really. Remember to set your line ups by Thursday night every week now, since the NFL is being a bitch about Thursday night games. If I missed anything big, let the rest of the league know about it in the comments. Give us your favorite recap part, talk some trash, set your line up, and have fun.