I have Chris Johnson on my fantasy football team this year. Yeah, that Chris Johnson that is averaging something like 1.37 feet per carry, and $675,000 per carry. It's outrageous and was a terrible mistake. If I recall right, I drafted him in the first round of this league and had mild expectations for him. It wasn't a pick that you're stoked about because you swooped in late and nabbed a guy. No, picking Chris Johnson in fantasy football this year was a resigned pick, one you felt awkward about as soon as you made the selection, but then tried to talk yourself into its benefits. Well, those benefits have clearly not appeared, and I am pretty much ready to mail him white power for every week he scores less than 8 fantasy points. It has been a disaster and, quite frankly (with Stephen A. Smith), I am beyond flustered that my team is still sitting at 3-1 with this cock boy on my roster.
Some guys have all the luck. But let's look at who didn't in this week's Fantasy Football Recap. Check out our public league view here.
Week Results: Just like in most NFL divisions at this time of the year, our fantasy divisions are starting to separate themselves a bit. We only have two teams in the league right now who are sitting at 3-1, probably because of some sexual favors they offered to Roger Goodell. Mixed in with that are some 2-2 teams, which really isn't a bad position. Even in this upcoming week, you win one game and BOOM! you're back in this race like Mittens Romney. So don't get too down on yourself, folks! Your American dream is just around the corner! Other notes from last week:
– Percy Poppin' and Very Tight Buttholes put on a West Virginia/Baylor show this last weekend. It's like we just threw our heads back and started gun slinging cum bolts all over the points boards, as we put up 92 and 85 points, respectively. If either of us were playing another team in the league last week, we would have won or tied against all the competition. Basically, we're the sweetest donuts in this league.
– Cheeseheads pulled out a tight game against Legit Roethlisberger, dropping LR to 1-3 on the season. Both guys had stellar quarterback play, and LR even had the 49ers defense drop like a billion points, but to no avail. He still came up 1 point short, which should be too strange to for him. I'm talking about penis size, here.
– Feisty Fingers was the other top scorer of the week with 85 (tied for second best) and her total "points for" and "points against" are starting to even out as I thought they would. She's put up a league high 276 points this season, yet only sits at 2-2. It's like she's living under an Obama Presidency where her wins are taken from her and given to other teams less fortunate, like Victorious Secret. Lay off, I just watched the debates.
– Bring the Weeden manage an amazing 44 points this week. They were some lofty, hard fought points though, thanks to Tom Brady's 30 point day. So think about that. The rest of his team managed a total of 14. That is awful, man, just awful. Like a Brad Childress coached offense. Get out.
Weekly Worst: Surprisingly, no one screwed the coach super bad this week by leaving a plethora of points on the bench. Peyton's Robot Neck left Greg Jennings' six points on his bench in favor of Calvin Johnson against the Vikings defense, but who can blame him for that? And it's not like that would have helped him get the win this week anyway. I mean, come on! His team is horrible!! Haha! And it was similar cases throughout all the teams. I guess I am still perplexed as to why Cheesehead has like eight QBs on his roster, leaving tons of points (including RGIII's) on his bench each week. You know this isn't a keeper league, right? And that ties are split by bench points (apparently)? OK, just checking. Now trade one already.
Medal of the Week: This week's Medal of .. The … Week … Goes to Cheeseheads, who likely secured the queerest looking medal this side of Minneapolis. Or that side of Minneapolis … Or West of Madison? I don't know. Anyway, it's the "Venza Head Turner" award, which – according to the image – is a nickname given to Ferris Bueller when he's checking out male fantasy football owners. According to the text, it's actually because he won a game in week four by the slimmest of margins. Of course, the description here uses the words "squeaked by," but that is largely unacceptable.
Story Note of the Week: Dropping a league high point total for the week, I figured there were like to be some story gems in my game recap against Very Tight Buttholes. Frankly, I didn't have to get very far, because "Very Tight Butthole" provided some laughable opportunities in the recap. Here is the favorite that I found:
Percy Poppin' Rallies to Beat Very Tight Butthole to Grab First Place
– Percy Poppin' (3-1, 263 points) got the highest point total this season, taking down Very Tight Butthole (3-1, 260 points) 92 – 85.
Oh, you bet your taut ass that I beat a very tight butthole this week. Shit, I do that every night! That, my friends, is how you use a fantasy football team name! Nice work, weirdo.
Looking Ahead: Each week I will continue predicting an upcoming game. It usually pans out that the person I pick to win usually loses, so yes, this is essentially a kiss of death. If you want to try to buy my favor to NOT choose you throughout the season, you certainly can try. I am currently accepting payment of unicorn tears and assassination of Ellen Pompeo. I don't know why, but I hate her. Currently, my prediction record is 1-1-1, which kind of blows my mind. How I correctly guessed a game is completely unknown, but I wouldn't rely on it. This week, I'm watching the Cheeseheads and Peyton's Robot Neck game. It's a big game for PRN, as he's starting to turn the corner in this league and becoming a respectable opponent this year. If he beats Cheese, he'll end up with a winning record in I don't know how long. Since the last time I wasn't in playoff contention, which has been never, labias. Can he do it? It'll be a tough task. A lot of his best players are on bye this week, while Cheese comes in fully stocked, like Aaron Rodgers to a frat party (homo stuff). Unfortunately, I have to pick Cheese winning this one.
Good luck to everyone this week, but not really. Remember to set your line ups by Thursday night every week now, since the NFL is being a bitch about Thursday night games. If I missed anything big, let the rest of the league know about it in the comments. Give us your favorite recap part, talk some trash, set your line up, and have fun.