I've seen all the numbers from this week about how that replacement referee debacle has led to all sorts of delicious mayhem. Betting sites are giving the old "oopsie!" and refunding people money, the NFL is looking like the biggest dick noses you could ever imagine, and I'm sure someone, somewhere lost a whole lot of Week Three fantasy football bragging rights because the Seahawks didn't kick an extra point, or the Packers defense wasn't awarded an interception point, or some shit like that. Luckily for me (and I guess all of the other nerds in this PJD Fantasy League), no one had a game come down to something that close. All I know that, is that if I did? The things, all of them, they would be burning. I would light up the roads between Minneapolis and New York with diarrhea fire until I got to Roger Goodell's office, shit fire poop all over his leather bound office chair and DEMAND through tears and vomit that he reverse his decision and allow this most important week three fantasy win to be official.
Thankfully it didn't come to that, because I don't know how much fire feces my brown spider could handle. It just gets super raw, you know? Don't like it. Regardless, there was still a bunch of silly noise that happened in this week's fantasy match ups, so let's jump into it. Remember, if you're oddly interested, you can always follow along at our live public league link. See you there!
Week Results: If you thought the league was starting to sort itself out last week, you were wrong. I WAS WRONG! The whole thing looks like a disgusting dumpster fire, a retard orgy, or a J. J. Abrams script. Everyone has 2-1 records, or 1-2, or 1-1-1, or some other binary code that says what their REAL record is. I can't make sense of any of it, and it's making me mad. I want someone to run away with the league already! Preferably me, though. Anyway, here are some weekly highlights:
– I … IMPRESSIVELY … managed to score 39 points this last week. That, in fact, was a week low, and depressingly a season worst among any team in the league. Should I probably just kill myself? I think I should probably just kill myself. I'm blaming Chris Johnson for everything this season. What a whore.
– We had a tie this week between Collinsworth's Girth and Victorious Secrets. Normally, I break ties by going to bench points to see who has the most. However, I am inclined to let this tie slide because in recent years I've found ties to be hilarious and funny. Inevitably, one of these assholes will sneak into the playoffs thanks to their tie record, and it's going to piss off a bunch of other people. Should be a great time.
– Parole Models is getting abused worse than that carnival teddy bear did when you first learned how to hump things. So far, she's only scored 152 points on the year (league worst!) while also having 211 points scored against her (league best!). It must feel like she's playing as a Minnesota Viking herself, which has to be super depressing.
– Amazingly, if you go to the league home page where they show the current standings and then go to "Projections," Yahoo! is currently expecting Parole Models to go 8-3-2, which would be a god damn amazing turn around. My team, the "Percy Whipped's", is also projected to finish 3-9-1, technically the worst in the league. I don't think I like that.
Weekly Worst: But maybe it'll be true, because – as far as weekly worst goes – you can't get much worse than what I did this week. 39 points? In a league that is BOTH touchdown and yardage heavy? What a joke. But what should I have expected? I purposely drafted Eli Manning (DUMB), thought Chris Johnson would be a steal (GAY), and even took a flyer on Desean Jackson (MURDER). Oh, and my bench? Totally solid, bro. I'll just fall back to Jonathan Stewart, Alshon Jeffery, and something named Ryan Williams. While I'm at it, I heard leaving Kyle Rudolph and Matt Schaub on your bench are also savvy, veteran management moves. Do I get points for that somehow? /stabsownurethra
Medal of the Week: This week's medal goes to Very Tight Butthole for winning the "RAV4 Golden Touch." The medal screen says it's awarded to the team that picks up a new player for the week who ends up scoring a touchdown. That's all well and good, but I don't think anyone is buying that explanation. What it REALLY looks like is that VTB is taking his finger and plunging it deep into Feisty Fingers brown flower with such force that her anus turns into a star. That's vicious, bro. I know you're all excited about your 3-0 record, but I don't think it warranted the second knuckle, ya know?
Story Note of the Week: After having my manhood stripped by a man who sends in his own shirtless pictures to a blog about professional athletes, I decided to go through my game recap and see what the most emasculating, computer generated comments would be about my loss. BOY WAS I NOT DISAPPOINT!
Percy Poppin' Regret Tracker
– Missed an opportunity by leaving Matt Schaub on the bench. He scored 28 points, the second-highest score in the league this week.
– Left Kyle Rudolph on the bench, where he scored 13 points to beat his scoring projection by 577.1%, the second-highest percentage in the league.
Yeah, I'd say leaving 577% scoring projection and the second-highest scoring player during the week on the bench will usually do you in. Yikes.
Looking Ahead: Each week I will continue predicting an upcoming game. It usually pans out that the person I pick to win usually loses, so yes, this is essentially a kiss of death. If you want to try to buy my favor to NOT choose you throughout the season, you certainly can try. I am currently accepting payment of nude photos of Amy Adams and Purple Jesus smiles. Currently, my prediction record is 0-1-1, since I was picking the Collinsworth vs. Victorious game that ended in a tie from last week. Still never have been correct, though! The streak continues! This week, I have my eye on the Parole Model and Collinsworth game. Two great storylines here. First, can Parole finally get a win? If her season end projections are to come true, the turn around needs to begin this week. Secondly, it's a closely projected game, with Collinsworth currently projected to win right now, but only because Parole doesn't have a defense in. Some roster juggling from both of these buffoons is needed before the games start, but in the end I think Parole comes out "on top" (like usual) and finally snags that elusive win on the season. Good luck!
Good luck to everyone this week, but not really. Remember to set your line ups by Thursday night every week now, since the NFL is being a bitch about Thursday night games. If I missed anything big, let the rest of the league know about it in the comments. Give us your favorite recap part, talk some trash, set your line up, and have fun.