healess adrian peterson meme

Adrian Peterson – Blowing Minds, Including His Own

After Adrian Peterson defied space and time on Sunday and face punched the Rams rushing defense for 212 yards on 24 carries, I've heard some pretty stupid things flying around. Most of them are along the lines of not exactly disrespecting Adrian Peterson's accomplishments this season (you know, the guy who has come off a torn ACL to closely setting the single season total yardage rushing record?), but have either been unconsciously slighting them or have been outright, flamboyant nonsense.

And frankly, in a season in which even if this team falls short of the playoffs with an 8-8 record, the most qualified MVP candidate in the league taking pot shots from a bunch of dildo heads is completely unacceptable, and I am willing to use irrational anger and a potty mouth to defend him. Right now.

First and foremost, in reference to the unconscious slight leveled at Peterson since Sunday, comes Jon Gruden in the booth on Monday Night Football, handing out ridiculous comments about Chris Johnson after he ran a 94 yard touchdown. Here is his quote:

"Nobody hits a home run like Chris Johnson" – Jon Gruden after CJ's 94-yd TD run

Oh really, Mr. Gruden? The Chris Johnson who has sucked floppy donkey boner for the better part of three years now after having approximately one good season? THIS is the piece of corn shit that is going to get your bowl cut greased? This flash in the pan Lil' John is the guy that deserves all of your accolades? You're not even going to preface it by saying something like, "Hey, I know Adrian Peterson is the best running back in THE NFL, but THIS GUY is pretty good too!" Can't do that, huh? You ass. A Chris Johnson homerun is as noteworthy only because it never happens anymore, and if it's not for a "home run" once every two years (I know he's had like three 80+ yard runs this season, but shut up), Johnson's 24 yards on 25 carries every week is PREEETTTTYYY unimpressive. Trust me, I've had him in fantasy. I know all too well.

Adrian Peterson What?

The other quote that really prickles my leg pears is the following from Yahoo! Sports Jason Cole, who I didn't know anything about until he opened his maggot maw and typed this fart noise out:

Peterson is the BEST RB, but he doesn't get nasty yards like Lynch or Gore.

EL-OH-EL WUT. What the hell does that even mean? NASTY yards? Are you talking nasty like five yard gains when there is absolutely no hole to run through? Or nasty like when you stiff arm a defender's neck like a bamboo stick? Because yeah bro, totally, I have never seen Adrian Peterson do that. Marshawn Lynch and Frank Gore are SO much better at that. And Chris Johnson at those homerun rushes, you know? Let's throw that in there too. God dammit, people, what is wrong with you.

Listen, I'm not saying these other running backs are shit. They're all perfectly fine to pair with a quarterback who can throw the ball if need be. Except for maybe Chris Johnson, but whatever, he really ISN'T that great anymore. Point being, every other running back in the LEAGUE gets to have a quarterback who can throw for more than 100 yards a game. Except for Peterson of course. And what does he do with that kind of support? OH JUST (probably) BREAKS THE RUSHING RECORD THIS SEASON AFTER TEARING AN ACL. Get your other comments on a bus into a flaming volcano. I don't want to hear them. Ridiculous. Outrageous. Shut your brown holes.

Adrian Peterson has 1,812 yards rushing this season on 289 attempts. He is averaging 6.27 yards PER ATTEMPT and has 11 touchdowns this season. All while rehabbing from a torn ACL. If this guy is not only the best running back in the NFL now and maybe in the history of the league, he is also this year's Comeback Player of the Years and the league MVP EASILY (Kill your neck if you think of stealing another MVP candidate from us this year Peyton Manning, you asshole). If voters decide differently it will be a very, very, dark day. I promise you people that.

So shut up. Everyone. Just sit back and watch history happen before your eyes. This shit is legit. Enjoy it.


About PJD

I once saw Paul Edinger kick a 56-yard field goal for the Minnesota Vikings against the Green Bay Packers to win a game in the Metrodome. It was exhilarating.