Cover Your Eyes, Children! Here's what you would be doing if you loved your children this Sunday. Instead of sitting them down in front of the San Francisco 49ers and Minnesota Vikings football game, you would instead tell them that you love them, that you care for them, and that you want them to live a better life than what you have lived. That life includes transgender strippers, killing a man during a hit and run, and being a Vikings fan. More than anything, you don't want him to suffer through these atrocities and scaring life moments like you have, ESPECIALLY the 0-4 Super Bowl record. So you'll take him to the Mall of America, maybe, and let them go crazy on some rides. Or take the morning and afternoon at that kooky Renaissance Festival, and have them ride an elephant, buy them a wooden sword and shield, and stuff their little face with corn on the cob and a piping hot funnel cake. Or think small! Take them out to that playground that's been neglected in the back yard and listen to the warming laughter from a child as you push them higher and higher in a swing. It will be glorious! There will be no cares in the world!
And best of all, you won't have to let your children know what it's like to see a grown man cry after the 49ers firmly place their gold digging picks straight into the Vikings' brown spiders. Keeping them from seeing that is probably the greatest gift a parent can give. But we all know that's not going to happen, so grab your tissues and baby wipes, because things are about to get messy.
Thanks to Ya Think from Rube Chat for another, and the season's first, great game preview graphic!
Damn, the 49ers Be Good: Guys, I hate to break it to you, but this team is really good. I mean, they're like really good. They were really good last year when they donkey punched the Saints and put up a hell of a game against the eventual Super Bowl champs, New York Giants. Jim Harbaugh is a total badass, and it really pisses my pants that the 49ers get him and he turns around that crap hole team in one season, while we are paddling upstream with a hole in our boat and Leslie Frazier with the map. JESUS CHRIST. Patrick Willis is pretty much the scariest person on this planet outside of Rosie O'Donnell, Alex Smith is a shit face but ends up being a pretty good redemption story, and Vernon Davis likely has a bigger dong than Shiancoe. Think about that for a second. Also, their unis are sweet (ours aren't), they've beaten more NFC North opponents this year than we have in the past two, and they aren't coming to screw around. Even though their 2012 offensive and defensive ranking numbers appear pretty close to the Vikings' numbers on paper, don't kid yourself. They are going to punch our stomachs so hard that he shit internal organs for a week. And there's pretty much nothing we can do about it.
Get Your 84 Jersey's Out: In case you haven't heard, Super Bowl Homeboy is coming back home this week. Randy Moss is of course a 49er this season, and after his disastrous run as a Vikings again in 2010 thanks to Brad Childress being a control freakout dick nose, the Prodigal Son once again will return. In preparation for his return, many reporters have been scouring Moss for some type of quote that they can add to his infamous collection. Thus far though, he's been pretty tight lipped. In interviews done with Bay Area reporters and filtered over at the Star Tribune, Moss has pretty much only talked about how highly he holds Percy Harvin in his respects, and how much he'll always be thankful for Dennis Green and Minnesota for taking a chance on him, but that's all history and it's onto the future now. And as much as I want him to look me straight in the eye and say, "Don't worry, home boy, I'll always be a Viking in my heart, and I'll kiss you on the neck, too," I know that's not realistic anymore. And I'm OK with that now. I'll still cheer his ass super loudly when he faux-moons the crowd this weekend (fingers crossed!) and will be cheering for him to get a Super Bowl ring this year.
Can We Expect Some Favre Dong Magic? You know you're secretly hoping for it. But just to quell any early excitement, no, no Favre is not coming back and dong slinging a game winning touchdown as time expires this weekend. Nor is Christian Ponder, for that matter. Oh, sure, he may finally throw a pass further than 20 yards down-field, which would KIND of be like some dong magic, but this'll only happen if his receivers get open. Which they won't. Also, the Vikings would actually need to be in a position at the end of the game where a touchdown would be enough points to beat the 49ers, and I think we can all agree that having that happen sounds like a pretty laughable occurrence. But maybe we can conjure up some other magic? With the White Walkers and Dragons around, it's pretty clear that magic is returning to the world, so maybe it'll happen. Maybe some shirtless magic? Or some greenery magic? Or some "Chris Returning from the Dead" type magic? Not miracle, magic. Get it straight. We'll probably need ALL of this magic to return this weekend if we want a fighting chance to win, so keep stirring your cauldron of baby heads. A little extra wishing can't hurt.
Dolan of the Week: To my surprise, there was some distant rumbling of people who were saddened by not seeing a Dolan comic last week. I know, my friends, I was too. But don't worry, because it's not like there wasn't a Dolan comic last week. Truth is, accualy iz Dolan. Dolan is always around you, even when you think he's not. He's a creep and piece of shit like that. As an aside, I read Matt Ufford's (KSK creator, use to write for Warming Glow, now at SB Nation) AMA over on Reddit this week, and he talked about how his favorite meme right now iz also Dolan. I mean, Ufford's a reasonably intelligent man and a good writer, so I figure I'm doing something right.
Scotch of the Week: Seriously, have any of you even bothered to purchase a bottle of scotch that I've recommended? Not that it matters, but I'm just wondering. I could probably talk about the same bottle every week and you would never know the difference, because you never go out and buy one. Doesn't matter. This week though, we're going to take a look at the Cragganmore – Distiller's Edition. Consider it the Marianne Graves of the scotch world, as it has a nice golden, tawny color to it. The experience of smelling it is the same when you go down on a chick and get too close to her butthole … complex, for sure, because it smells so good and so off putting at the same time, with even hints of candied apples, and cherries. That's probably the perfume she used to cover up the reek of her open crotch soar. It tastes way better than that though, like you're drinking liquid fire, with it sometimes coming across even a bit tough and spongy. Mainly, you'll notice hints of delicious maltiness, well balanced citrus flavors, and even a bit of toffee at the end, like a nice Christmas snack. Overall, it finishes well balanced, but a bit musty, which coincidentally is what your mom's panties smell like.
Shirtless Viking of the Week: We had a great Shirtless Vikings submission this week from reader @Qommie, as she tracked down essentially a portfolio of shots from Minnesota Vikings safety Harrison Smith. The best news of all? You get to see the always elusive Shirtless Back Shot of a player! Look at those rippling shoulder muscles, the curved spine coiling like a viper ready to strike! How homo erotic! Anyway, I added this and another front shot that shows where Smith washes his clothes out (hint: on his steel cut abs) over in the Shirtless Vikings photo gallery that we now have up. If you haven't checked it out yet, do so today, but be sure to lock your office door, because that's a tough one to explain to your boss, on why you're spanking it mid-day to pictures of football players. Or maybe not. I guess I don't know your boss.
Terrified Predictions: My official prediction for this game is nothing pleasant. In fact, when thinking about how this game plays out, several popular memes come to mind, including "YOU GONNA GET RAPED" and "PREPARE YOUR ANUS." Do I want neither of these things to happen? Do I hope that the Vikings win, by cheating their way to the top? Do I want the backups to all play this week so that our favorite players aren't left to slaughter out on the field after the 49ers are done with them? Of course, to all of that. But I have to be realistic here and let you all know that shit is about to go down, and it's going to get pretty offensive. Frankly, I'd cut myself at some point during the game if for no other reason than that the pain will distract you from the emotional turmoil you'll be feeling from the field action. So far, I'm a perfect 2-0 on predicting how badly shit is going to get this season, so I've shown a pretty healthy track record in figuring out how things will turn out. Gotta trust me on this one, guy. In the end, while I honestly do think the team is going to come out and play fairly inspired this week after a bad loss last week and a pep talk from Antoine Winfield, it still won't be enough. The game will likely be closer than an all out bloodletting, but we're still losing a TON of life force this weekend. 49ers win, 34-17.
Best of luck to all of those who watch it this weekend. I will be traveling through the weekend so won't be able to share in your misery. I do have a game thread set to post Sunday morning if anyone wants to wipe their tears in an internet blog thread instead of on their couch pillows. Feel free to join in and share. Otherwise, best of luck, and we'll recap on Monday.