Listen up you NERDS, you better get your shit together because it’s about to get POPPIN’ down in the 221 this Fourth of July weekend! That’s right, the former University of Southern Florida and current unsigned but probably will make the team Minnesota Viking safety Mistral Raymond is bringing Palmetto, Florida’s FIRST EVER foam party! On a Sunday night! With porn stars!
Whoa, what? Let’s read this again from Mistral Raymond’s twitter account:
S/O my gurl @RoxyReynolds for comin’ down to kick it w/ me in my city for the 1st ever Foam Party n Palmetto!
Now, I’m no youth-friendly language code decipher by any means (although I do often speak in internet meme) but I think what that translates to is “Shout out to my female platonic companion Roxxanne Reynolds for traveling to my general location to spend some quality time with me at the first and likely last foam party in Palmetto, Florida!” Oh, and Roxy Reynolds? Apparently she’s a porn star? And a rapper? With a heck of a behind, I might add. I’m not tracking any of her videos down for you, but I’m sure you can “come” across her rather quickly if you tried to. Tried to search, I mean.
And to be fair, Raymond didn’t send out that tweet advertising it as “MISTRAL RAYMOND OF THE MINNESOTA VIKINGS, YOU KNOW, THE METRODOME AND SHIT” but he DID put the Vikings logo and a picture of a purple jersey with his name on it right on the invitation. Rather, he’s identified as the NFL’s Mistral Raymond, so as to not draw any unwanted comparison’s between the Vikings, porn stars, and foam parties, anymore than they already have been THANKS MCKINNIE. But either way, I’m sure if the NFL were to bother looking into this instead of slap fighting over $700 Billion they’d be like “Hey, take that shit off dude.”
Several questions remain. Are foam parties really that enjoyable? Is Mistral Raymond really of the NFL yet? Where the hell is Palmetto? Was Brett Favre invited? How closely does Mistral work with Frank Walker? What is it with Vikings players who go to Florida schools and hanging out with strippers/porn stars? In what country is it an OK idea to send out Tweets advertising your work with strippers and your employer? Unless you work at the Vu or something, of course.
Finally … so uh, who wants to go? I’m pretty wide open then, so …. just sayin’, just sayin’ ….