Yesterday, the Minnesota Vikings organization released a letter to all season ticket holders calming fears about the organizations role in the NFL lock-out, and to encourage these fans to keep spending money on them. Amazingly, PJD was digging through their trash looking for used condoms from Zygi Wilf to corner a DNA sample so we could clone our own heir to the fortune when we came across this first draft of the letter. What the original letter was meant to say is … TELLING. Read on for further details, and a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to gaze into the workings of an NFL franchise. The original parts are normal font, with the unedited parts in BOLD, because they are bold in thinking and intent …
Dear Vikings Season Ticket Owners and Occasional Poor People We Give Free Tickets to so We Can Avoid a Blackout [Mark, should we take that part out? – Zygi],
Due to the expiration of the NFL’s Collective Bargaining Agreement and the breakdown in mediated negotiations between the National Football League, the Devil, and the players, it is the sincere commitment of the Minnesota Vikings to keep our most important stakeholders in this franchise, our Season Ticket Owners and local business and corporations … you know, the ones who actually have money to spend instead of just borrow and go into debt, as informed as possible throughout the process. We wanted to write to you today just to say “how’s it hanging?” and in an effort to keep you informed on how the expiration of the NFL’s Collective Bargaining Agreement may impact the 2011 NFL season. The short answer is that it won’t, because the season would have been a failure anyway, but we understand some of you have narcissistic qualities and like watching the Vikings lose. This really is more for you, so read on, I guess. Mark is going to go smoke some weed, instead.
The NFL isn’t working hard to reach a new agreement with the players’ union, and we hope the negotiation process does not disrupt the 2011 season more than it already has by forcing you to watch hockey and basketball instead of focusing on free agency. In the event any games are cancelled, we want to remind you of the Vikings Season Ticket Owner refund policy for your 2011 season tickets. The basics are we keep your money, buy yachts, rent hookers, and do blow out of their rectums. The specifics of the policy, if you want to read that instead, are as follows:
1. We will provide you with a full refund of convenient store candy in similar cash value for any cancelled preseason or regular-season home games. I’d load up on preseason games, for sure, because you probably weren’t going to go to those anyway, and now you’ll end up instead with a lot of candy to feed your wife’s pie hole.
2. You may choose to receive your refund either in the form that you paid for your tickets (e.g., cash, credit card, blood diamonds, blow jobs) or in the form of credits toward future games with this credit applied to your season ticket account which we will conveniently forget about come 2012.
3. Simple interest, calculated at an annual rate of 1%, will be paid on refunds. Interest will be calculated for the period beginning on the date that a game is cancelled through the date that the refund is processed. You will be entitled to interest only if you have paid for your season tickets in full by the final season ticket payment deadline of May 23, 2011. We don’t really know what this means either, but we just made it sound like you’re somehow getting paid to not go to games, so we’re sure to win over a few of you suckers.
4. For any cancelled games, refunds will be paid no later than 30 days after final determination of how many games will be played during the 2011 season. This decision will be dragged out long enough for us to charge your account and force you to play in hand jobs. Spielman LOVES hand jobs.
5. You may also click here to review the Vikings Season Ticket Owner refund policy that accompanied your 2011 invoice. You held on to the original invoice, right? You didn’t? … Uh, yeah, this is the exact same one, trust us.
The Vikings ownership group, coaches and front office staff are working extremely hard this offseason by scouting Adam Webber to return the Minnesota Vikings to the top of the NFC North and compete for a Super Bowl in forty years, as well as build upon the pride and passion you have for this organization. We greatly appreciate your support of the Minnesota Vikings and will continue to keep you informed of our plans for the 2011 season. If you have any questions about the refund policy, or any other matter, please feel free to contact the Vikings Ticket Office at (612) 33-VIKES and ask them if their refrigerator is running. I always love that one. Also, please feel free to read a letter sent last night from NFL Commissioner Goodell to all NFL fans about how his poor soul had to take a $9 million pay cut in order to still live at vikings.com or follow the latest on the NFL labor situation at NFLLabor.com. Unfortunately, it’s actual about working, bargaining, labor talks, not labor like women giving birth. That would be so hot.
Thank you for your patience and understanding, even though we know you babies are going to come back and suck at the teat in no time. We look forward to helping the Minnesota Vikings return to the top of the NFC North (Ha! Bitch, you just got Rick Roll’d!) and then achieving our ultimate goal of winning a Super Bowl. And when I say Super Bowl I mean banging out to Asian chicks at once in a hot tub.
Zygi and Mark Wilf
In case you are really stupid, this of course is not a real letter. I have to say that so people don’t get their butt cracks all sandy.