“Just take the picture and go back to your Appaloosa’s, you animals!” – Quote from kidnapped Vikings fan asked to dress up like a Packers fan against her will.
Welcome to a special edition of “Acting Cordial,” where we preview the upcoming game by talking with another blog (Somehow Wisconsin fans got access to the internet?) in an attempt to DIG DEEP in the minds of the enemy. Usually we’re friendly when we do this. With Packer fans? Hide your kids, hide your sheep, because we’re tearing these rug humpers a new one.
The drunk from Total Packers is back this week to answer our questions. They’ll have my Q&A session with them up over on their Geocities page on Monday, but I thought the smart people would get a head start on shit talking by posting this over the weekend. In this juvenile back and forth, we touch base on why their team sucks so bad that the Vikings almost beat them last time, why their defense is starting to look weaker than a Sandusky rape victim, what their chances of repeating as Super Bowl champs are, and much more. As a reminder, here is the type of shit show you’re dealing with, per their own introduction:
Total Packers was built out of pure hatred. Sure, we love the Green Bay Packers, beer, whiskey, women and other things of that nature. We’re good-natured drunks for the most part, but we really hate one thing — Minnesota Vikings fans. You’re a bunch of insufferable pricks with an inferiority complex. Every time you have a decent team we have to listen to your incessant, ignorant blather about how the fucking Queens are the greatest team ever and how you’re going to win it all. Well, guess what? Ah, f*ck it… I’m going to go polish our Lombardi Trophies.
Yup. Still using the ol’ trophy joke. So read on, get your wits ready, and let’s dive mangina first into soome Packer Week shit talking:
Purple Jesus Diaries: After you Packer fans begged and pleaded that I return in all my glorious manliness, I decided to bother my plans and grace you with my presence to ask you a couple more questions about your shitty team. What, you only have 8 wins so far? What, couldn’t find an extra “W” over your bye week? Get over yourselves. You’re not all that great. Speaking of not being very good, you guys must have felt like shit by only barely eking out a win against a rookie in his first start last time we played, huh? What’d you think of the game overall (short answer; we were WAY better than you thought and are now frightened for the next 15 years of Pondexter)?
Total Packers: Yeah, it was closer than it should have been. Yeah, Ponder played pretty well. Both him and the Vikings can kiss our asses, though. Our secondary is terrible. I could throw for 300 yards against them. Hell, you could probably throw for at least 79. As long as Aaron Rodgers isn’t in a wheelchair, the Packers will be 30-0 against the Vikings in the next 15 years. If he is in a wheelchair, we’ll still roll him out there and get at least 28 wins over that span.
PJD: As I’ve driven on the highway near Wisconsin, I’ve heard rumblings among the sheep and their herders about the Packer’s defense showing some signs of weakness. All bullshitting aside, are there any? In the past few weeks both the Vikings and Chargers have been able to get things close, and neither team is that great. What’s going on with that?
TP: Like I said, the secondary is playing pretty terrible football — almost New England Patriots bad. It’s mostly miscommunication on the back end. Not having Nick Collins calling out the coverages is the biggest problem. Charlie Peprah will make a play here and there, but he can’t quarterback the defense like Collins. It also hurts not having a pass rush. Not re-signing Cullen Jenkins looks like a mistake. Clay Matthews is the only consistent pass rusher, but there’s only occasional pressure coming from the other side of the field. Hopefully, the return of Mike Neal will remedy that. That is, of course, until he gets injured again after playing three series. I’d almost take a big dumb hillbilly like Jared Allen right now if I didn’t fear for the safety of our sheep.
PJD: Did you know that the first thing one of your imbecile readers did when last we traded spars was head to our blog and correct grammar, but spelled grammar wrong? Tell your juvenile, diabetes riddled, butt buddy followers to bring their A-game when they’re commenting on a sports blog that involves a team from a major city of academics. When we move to LA it’s not going to get any easy for you backwater jokers to mentally spar with Vikings fans, so do your best now.
TP: Hahahahahahaha… holy shit! A major city of academics? That’s funny stuff! I heard when the Vikings move to L.A. you’re all going to try to become Packers fans. I saw that stupid promo video from Vikings.com. Well let me make this clear right now, we don’t want you. Get your f*cking stadium situation solved already! I’d tell you to sell stock in the team or something, but I know most of your fans work at McDonald’s and can’t afford it.
PJD: Realistically, do you think you have a shot at repeating as Super Bowl champs? I wouldn’t have thought it possible even 15 minutes ago, but the Giants are looking good and the 49ers might be just stupid enough to give you a run for your money. What other team – or rather, road bumps – are you anticipating, seeing, wary of, expecting, for the remainder of the season?
TP: Of course we can repeat. As bad as our defense has been playing as a unit, they still have playmakers. They consistently create turnovers, which have won more than one game this season. More importantly, the Packers offense is historically good, at least through eight games. There’s no reason that should change. As far as other teams, the Giants can suck a dick. They lost to Seattle at home and Eli will never win another Super Bowl. The 49ers? Yeah, where the hell did they come from? I guess it helps not to have a f*cking buffoon as a coach. They’re not pretty, but I like the 49ers. They run the ball and play defense. That’s the perfect recipe for beating the Packers — keep Aaron Rodgers off the field and eliminate quick strikes when he’s on it. I know they lost to the Ravens last week, but I wouldn’t count Pittsburgh out either. They’re well coached and they can bring a ton of defensive pressure when they’re healthy. More importantly, Joe Flacco isn’t their quarterback. Yeah, he won the game last week, but you and I both know he isn’t winning shit in the playoffs. Other than that, the last team I want to see in the playoffs is New Orleans. Drew Brees is an assassin and that’s the last guy you want to see in a one-loss-and-done situation. Fortunately, all these assholes from the NFC will have to come to Lambeau in January and beat us there. Good f*cking luck with that!
PJD: Purple Jesus ran for 175 and a TD against you guys a few weeks ago. That’s a bit of a chink in the armor, eh? Think he can repeat it? Does the better performance have anything to do with a quarterback who isn’t playing like a QWOP runner? If we just had one receiver, we’d make your cornerbacks look like school girl (I mean, more so than they already do with their long ass hair and all).
TP: Hey, I told you before, as much as I hate the Vikings, I can’t hate on AP. That motherf*cker can probably run for 300 yards on us or anyone else under the right circumstances. You’re right. If you had any decent receivers your offense would probably be pretty good. It’s honestly too bad AP is going to be on the wrong side of 30 before you have a chance to compete for anything other than third place in the NFC North.
PJD: EXTRA POINT! Game prediction? Let’s hear it.
TP: Shit. Since we’re in Lambeau and don’t have to listen to that idiotic f*cking horn, I’m going to say 75-3.
That outrageous prediction worked out so well for him last time, too. Remember that one? 170-3? This time he dropped almost 100 points from his prediction. He must be afraid of our defense. Clearly, we’ll win … another moral victory.
Sic ’em, boys!