Rick FUCKING Spielman met with the Minnesota Vikings media reporters yesterday (And I wasn’t invited? FOR SHAME!) to talk all things offseason with the football team that we kind of enjoy, I guess. He touched on the possibility of using the franchise tag for certain players, why the quarterback position is so crucial this offseason and then let Vikings Vice President Lester Bagley (is he funny?) make this seemingly out of nowhere comment:
Whoa, Delmon Young in left field! I didn’t know you were throwing that comment out there! Playing at TCF Bank Stadium for THREE YEARS while they try to build the Vikings a new joint somewhere? That’s outrageous. There wouldn’t be any booze for me or precious heated coils for the players! But don’t take it from my mouth. Let’s ask the two biggest nouns influenced by this decision; the Metrodome and TCF Bank Stadium itself, in this edition of Point/Counterpoint!
“You know, I don’t get why the Vikings think they need to play in a newer stadium anyway, whether it’s at TCF Bank or build a brand new one as it is. I’m fine just the way I am! I’m not a jealous woman, unlike that bitch Lambeau in Green Bay. You can barely put make-up on that whore to spice her up without her getting all uppity. No, I know what I look like and I am PROUD to be the stable to such a thoroughbred horse like the Vikings. I mean, God gives you certain things to work with, and the people who are SUCCESSFUL in this world can still bring the men home, ANY day of the week with what they got!
“Hey, we all have things about ourselves we don’t really like, like tight arteries (or concourses, if you will), no room for tailgaiting (if you catch my euphemism), and a huge Nazi tattoo that we thought we had hid pretty well. Some people obsess about hiding or changing those things. Others, like myself, embrace them and make them part of our charm, while still OTHERS like to whore themselves out with new fake boobs to attract already spoken for men. When Shiancoe said last year to those pussy Cowboys that they had to come play in a ghetto stadium in Zygi’s Hood, I was flattered! Really! It was a term of endearment, and I appreciated it. It’s how I stand out, you know, through CHARACTER, something that TCF Bank Stadium lacks. I mean, that slut will let ANYONE walk through her doors and dominate her turf, if you catch my drift. It’s garbage, and it makes all stadiums look bad.
“Take it from me. This stadium is FFOOOIIIINNN and ready to host more footall for years to come. If anything, just slap a little rouge on me, spiff up my exterior with a little paint, and we’ll be good to go. That bratty TCF Bank can go to hell.”
TCF BANK STADIUM:
“So did you go talk to that MetroDUMP already about if she thought the Vikings should play in my innards for a couple years? Well, she’s god damn delusional. You know when the team played that ONE, only ONE, game here last year she sat outside of my gates cleaning a knife like she was going to shank me afterwards??! Seriously! And it’s not like I was sitting there begging and calling the Vikings to come over to my place. I was closed up for the winter. I hadn’t shaved my legs in months, had put on all my winter weight, and then with like a week’s notice they practically begged me to get all dolled up so they could play a local game on national TV. And I did! Because I’m a good person, unlike that hoe bag over west.
“I’ll be honest though. The thought of having the Vikings play here for three years while they find something more permanent, more serious, is kind of exciting. You know … as a young stadium you’re always looking for an older tenant to kind of show you the ropes of how things are done, to really take you to places you just haven’t been yet, that younger tenants just aren’t mature enough to understand. I mean, the Gophers play here often, and they and their fans are always just BOOM-BOOM, quick in and out without any regard to my needs of being appreciated. It’s like I’m treated as a piece of brick, just here for them to look at and use, then lock me up when their season is over. If the Vikings were to play I’d have a chance of seeing a winning team for once (maybe …) AND get to experience the warmth of a tenant in the winter time. Maybe we’ll have a nice fireplace or something and I can smuggle some wine on campus without the president knowing …
“But don’t tell this to that bitch Metrodome. That haggard old bag has her face falling off, seriously. Maybe I should just openly flirt with the Vikings just to piss her off. Although … I can still see her eyeing me in the distance from downtown every now and then …”