The NFL Offseason is long enough. Plug in the fact that this year we have a stupid, smelly, dumb lock-out which has deprived us all of anything at all football related since the NFL Draft and I’m straight ready to put my fist through the face of a widow.
To pass the time, the NFL Network has apparently started running a totally pointless series this offseason called “The Top 100 NFL Players of 2010 Voted on by NFL Players” or something like that. While these lists always prove pointless (and wrong, as you’ll see in a minute) they are helpful in that they randomly provide excuses for anyone to watch highlights of football games from years past and remember just how awesome the game is … when it’s actually played. For our purposes, we now get to watch clips of Purple Jesus beating the shit out of people on the football field after he was named the Third best player on this list. Third? GTFO, NFL players. Idiots.
More importantly however, this opportunity reminds us just how god damn badass Purple Jesus is by watching a beautifully constructed highlight video.
I’d embed the video that the NFL Network played to commemorate Purple Jesus as the third best player, but the NFL is clearly full of a bunch of Nazi’s and don’t want people sharing their free content. Backwards, right? Regardless, these screen caps scattered throughout the post give you an idea of what kind of talent we are dealing with here, and sometimes forget about.
There are a lot of things to like and remember about this video and Purple Jesus. For instance, by time stamp:
0:20 – Are you shitting me with that run against the Lions? First, the guy is tackled like eight yards behind the line of scrimmage thanks to our shitty offensive line. Big surprise. Then … wait … Wat? Did he just … Oh, just ducks his head and a guy whiffs on him, then completely cuts back the other way and SCORCHES by seriously four Lions defenders. One moment he’s surrounded by four Lions, the next they are all sucking wind like they just got out of a Nicole Kidman gang bang. Unbelievable. And he just does that, oh, all the time.
0:36 – That run against the Steelers gives me a pants tent, every single time.
0:53 – I don’t care what Packer player that is that gets his shit packed in, but you can tell from a mile away that the guy is bracing for this impact. His mind is just racing, “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck … AAAGGGHH!!! NOOOO!!!” Dead.
1:25 – This Browns run is one of the favorites as well. It has it all. Broken tackles, ban hammers, speed bursts past two more defenders. Fucking Browns.
1:50 – “What are you anyways man, a machine? Oh my god.” Or, “Are you a wizard?” SASSER!
2:27 – “Too bad we ain’t got no pads on.” Haha, I wish we had PJ mic’d up more. You know he’s good for a quote or seven. I also really like Big Leslie in this sequence during training camp. He knows what a football player is supposed to be playing like. Why do I say this? Because Childress saw that exact same shit and apparently ended up saying “No, no, can’t put him out there right now. We need him to be a back-up to Chester Taylor. I don’t see anything in this kid as a rookie in training camp which suggests he should be a number one running back.” God I hate that man.
3:24 – “Tackle that guy! What the hell do you think you’re out there for?!” I imagine that conversation has gone back and forth a lot of times between coaches and players since PJ has been in the league. The thing they don’t show you is the player looking to his teammate and saying, after the coaches leave, “Is this guy serious? I’m not tackling that Mack truck. I need to leave here with my testicles today.”
4:00 – Oh, remember how this guy has the single game rushing record? Yeah, I mean, you almost forget about that. BEHIND A VIKINGS OFFENSIVE LINE, TOO! Amazing. I actually missed this game. I was on vacation. I had a buddy who went to the game. I mean, he went to it, but he apparently was so blackout drunk by the first quarter that he doesn’t remember any of it. Pretty sure they were thrown out by halftime. What a shame.
4:53 – You are now witness to the worst pep talk in the history of pro sports. “Hey, you’re pretty good. Did anyone ever tell you that? Well let me be the first. You’re so good, people think you play football professionally. Go get ’em, kid.” That asshole. I’m full of rage again just seeing that smarmy fuck in purple.
5:34 – WHOA. Bienemy? Did you just yell at Purple Jesus? SIT YOUR ASS DOWN. YOU ARE FIRED. GET OFF THE TEAM YOU BASTARD.
5:59 – “You’re my boys favorite player. You see them? Sitting in the front row right now. I told them I’d do anything for your autograph. Suck your dick even! Maybe we can meet up after the game? Hit some clubs later, lose our inhibitions? Hahaha, have a great game!” White people talking to black people is just brutal.
6:12 – Holy shit. I forgot about that run. I mean, the game was terrible so that’s probably why, but wow.
6:18 – Best ankle break ever. Who’s number 26 on the Lions? Dude should just retire. Years ago. It’s over, buddy. Game over.
Some final thoughts:
– I love Big Leslie. The guy is going to be good for this team. While I’m skeptical of his eye for talent, I’m not skeptical of his coaching abilities and of him engaging the players, two things that are critical to have and balance. His clips in this video reinforced a lot of the confidence I already had in him.
– The top two players listed were PeyPey Manning (#2) and Tom Brady (#1). I guess they’re both good, but come on … neither are really men, you know>
– Aaron Rodgers placed number 11 in the official NFL voting. Fans placed him at number 2. I had no idea that Wisconsin people knew how to access the internet, let alone stuff a ballot. I’m almost proud of those neanderthals.
– The next best running back was Chris Johnson. At 13. Get out of here with that shit, CJ. After him? Arian Foster at 25. Well, now this poll just looks stupid.
Frankly, now I’m just more angry than I was before. Right about now I could be getting excited for training camp a couple of weeks away. As it is, I’m pretty certain the lockout is going to continue for another two months, because why not. Greedy people gonna greed. And all of this means I have to wait LONGER than I had planned to watch more Purple Jesus ass kicking, and for that, I hate every single one of the money grubbing taints responsible for this lockout.
Get it over with and return to me Purple Jesus. I want more highlight videos.