It’s been pretty rough trying to be a Vikings fan recently between having to cheer for a man who can instigate abortions just by sending texts, a bald guy who runs a football team like a Nazi, and always having to worry about the roof caving in on your head, crushing your soul. On top of this, both the Chicago Bears and the Green Bay Packers, hated rivals from shitty cities with fans that somehow end up being twice as fat as we are (I’m very svelte, so I mean twice as fat as YOU are), end up playing in the most important game in the NFC with the Packers then winning the Super Bowl. Christ … will we ever get a chance to laugh at someone else instead of everyone laughing at us?
Well, yes. We can throw the Titans in the mix after they’re looking to hire Mike Tice to be their offensive coordinator.
Now, let’s back up just for a minute. When Mike Tice was the head coach of the Vikings (which is just as weird to write as it is for you to remember) the team had some respectable moments. They made the playoffs (barely, I might add) in 2004 with an 8-8 record and then went in to Green Bay and mooned the crowd. They also had the number one ranked offense in yards per game in 2003 with Randy Moss, Daunte Getcharollon, and Moe Williams leading the team in rushing. That was when the team went off on their 6-0 start before going full retard down the stretch and losing to the Cardinals (NOOOOO!) in the last game of the season to miss out on the playoffs. So the Mike Tice era wasn’t all terrible (no worse than the Childress era, mind you), but it wasn’t great either.
And let’s not kid ourselves. Tice was never hired because he was the upcoming Josh McDaniels of the day. He was hired after Denny Green got canned because he wasn’t asking for millions of dollars. If I remember right and pretend to do research here, Tice was the lowest paid head coach in the NFL during his tenure. This is of course all thanks to Red McCombs for being a tight ass without actually having a tight ass … which would be weird, because I don’t want to think of old men having tight asses. Blech. Regardless, Tice made due with what he had available to him, which wasn’t much.
Since being a head coach, he’s bounced around. I think he was in Jacksonville as the offensive line coach and then last year in Chicago for a similar role. Of course, his track record looks terrible, because I always remember David Garrard running for his life after the offensive line would break down in coverage, and we all know how big of a pussy Jay Cutler is, largely because he’d end up on his back more than his girlfirend/fiance would when a $10 bill is dropped. So why would anyone now be looking at Tice as an offensive coordinator?
I’m not entirely sure. I think the thing that people always enjoyed about Tice was that he was a buffoon. He was clearly a players coach, and I would venture to say he didn’t do too many X’s and O’s when game planning, or adjusting mid-game for that matter, and would let the inmates run the show. If Randy wanted the ball, Randy would get it. If Daunte called an audible, Tice could voice his displeasure, but really, what was he going to do? Come up with something better?GTFO. As such, I don’t think Tice ever had an offensive scheme to work under (Pass heavy, West Coast, Spread Offense, etc.) and largely just relied on player talent to keep him around a .500 record.
And I would guess that’s what’s going to end up happening with the Titans, if they hire him. They have a new coach, I guess, and I don’t really care who it is because it’s the Titans. Maybe he has more of an offensive scheme to work under, and Tice would just end up as the OLine coach again. Whatever. The point being that after keeping an eye on this guy’s career for some twisted reason, Vikings fans finally have an opportunity to be a bunch of prudish dicks and turn our nose up at another team’s ill-advised move. GOOD DAY SIRS, ENJOY YOUR “UH-HUH-HUHS” FROM YOUR NEW OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR.
Also, I don’t really know if Tennessee is a tough guy town or not. Just an FYI.